August 30, 2010

BP PATENTS PHRASE, "MAKING THIS RIGHT"


LONDON, UK - (The Comedy News) - British Petroleum has patented the phrase they have used to defend their negligent management of their Deepwater Horizon oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. "Making This Right" is now recognized as U.S. Patent 9,268,879, to be used as a primary talking point when laying out the steps to large-scale public relations damage control.

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August 29, 2010

28th Amendment Ratified; Wyclef Jean & Arnold Schwartzenegger to Vie for President in 2012

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - Today marks a monumental change in American Government. The Twenty-Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution, which was proposed by Senator Linda McMahon (R-CT), passed through the U.S. Senate and was approved by 3/4ths of the state legislatures. This latest alteration to the charter of freedom comes only two weeks after being introduced under a barrage of scrutiny by every xenophobe American from sea to shining sea.

The text of the Amendment reads:
All persons naturalized in a foreign nation are eligible for the office of the President and Vice President of the United States of America provided that said person renounces citizenship to foreign nations and is a citizen of the United States of America. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.

The Twenty-Eighth Amendment has enabled politicians such as musician Wyclef Jean and actor/government hack Arnold Schwarzenegger to make bids for the Presidency in 2012. It is expected that Wyclef Jean will receive the Democratic nomination any day now with Late Night Talk Show host Conan O’Brien as the front runner for his running mate. The Governator bought the Republican nomination many months ago, and has already hinted that Senator Linda McMahon will be his partner in anticipated crime.

The two Presidential candidates will be the first individuals to appear on a Presidential ballot in America who are not natural-born citizens. Jean was born in 1969 in Croiz-des-Bouquets Haiti, while Schwartzenegger was born in 1947 in Thal, Austria. Their running mates, O'Brien and McMahon, join former Presidents Ronald Reagan and Barack Obama as nominees with much glisten and glamor, yet not a hint of political prowess or leadership experience.

In contrast to the 2008 election when there was approximately 61% voter-turnout, the Presidential election is expected to draw nearly 94% of eligible voters to the polls. The most energized of the of the first time voter demographics include die-hard professional wrestling fans and easy-going party animals.

In a related news story, former Vice President Richard Cheney suffered a fatal heart attack ten minutes after the Twenty-Eighth Amendment to the Constitution was ratified. His last words were, "Awww! F#%K THIS S%#T."

-By High Neesniffer


August 22, 2010

Perverted Man Confesses He Enjoys Being Sober

SEATTLE, WA - (The Comedy News) - After fearing ridicule from drunks for over 25 years, Adam Levanthal has finally come out of the closet out and declared that he hates alcohol consumption and could not be more proud of his sobriety.

"Every time people want to get together and enjoy themselves, they drink alcohol and shamelessly encourage their friends to do so as well. All the while, they have absolutely NO regard for those of us who were born with a natural scorn for intoxication."

The raw statistics about alcohol enthusiasm are as deceiving as the prime-time eye-candy commercials used to market it: approximately 298 million out of the 310 million Americans have not abused alcohol in the past year. The remaining 12 million lushes continue to ruin it for all of the closeted sober ones out there. Levanthal speculates that many of the 298 million are total pushovers and "closeted from being open about their enthusiasm for sobriety".

"The hardest part about this is telling my Dad that I am sober and have been this way my entire life. It's so hard to look him and my community in the eyes and tell that that I can't pretend to be the drunk that he and society expect me to be," Levanthal lamented. "And the drunks always seem to rush defend their soberphobia. The one defense I hate this most is the Ben Franklin quote, 'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy'. Really? That Ivy League long-haired womanizing douche said that? What does he know anyways? Dude would get wasted and fly kites in storms. Sheesh."

Levanthal has plans of moving to South Mercer Island, the up-and-coming sober community in town. He will also be celebrating his upcoming 26th birthday at the same place he had his coming out party--- at Seattle's new sober bar, Nothing On The Rocks.

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August 20, 2010

Coach Joe Paterno Refuses to Comment About Acting Career

STATE COLLEGE, PA - (@The Comedy News) - On the eve of his 45th season as head coach of the Pennsylvania State University Nittany Lions football team, Coach Joe Paterno is keeping his focus on the gridiron. Much to the dismay of national media outlets, Joe Paterno has refused to comment about his role in Academy Award-nominated film Up.

Up follows the journey of Carl Fredricksen (Paterno), an 80-year-old widower on a balloon-powered journey to a baron dreamland called Paradise Falls.

Paterno scoffed at any attempt to get feedback about production, his absence from the Oscar ceremony, and basically any indication from the 83-year-old college football legend that he was indeed a part of the film.

There have also been reports that National Football League Hall of Famer and Penn State alumnus, Franco Harris, brought his granddaughter Tawney to Beaver Stadium recently to get some comments from his former football coach about his recent film role.

"He yelled at me!" Exclaimed 5-year-old Tawney Harris. "I told him that I loved Up and cried in the beginning. He said, 'I'll tell you something about Up, little girl. How about, SHUT THE #$%& UP! You too, Frank. UP YOURS.'"

Penn State athletic department insiders have speculated that Paterno had red shirt freshman place-kicker Elias Noland use nefarious means to delete Up from Paterno's page on the Internet Movie Database.

"Coach wants us to be completely distraction-free. We're out there competing for the National Championship every day, and there is no distraction too small to expunge from the minds of my football team mates," noted the computer science major from Bedford, Ohio.

Noland has had a history of going to extreme lengths to brown-nose his way into Paterno's favor. Noland's Twitter statuses have included "Washing, washing, washing Coach Paterno's back. La dah dah dah dah, la dah dah dah dah, gonna be a football player today!" Most recently, Noland tweeted publicly about his study habits: "I acn gertt goosd gtra3des. iiii haaacked hte shcholarshiship ocmputers G..P.A, plaay footballWE ARE PENNNNNNstdfjte."

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August 18, 2010

KE$HA FORGETS HER AUTO-TUNE IN TAXICAB; CAREER CANCELED

LOS ANGELES, CA - (The Comedy News) - Following a taxicab ride to the Staples Center for her sold-out concert, singer Kesha (Ke$ha) realized that she accidentally left her Antares Inc. Audio Technologies auto-tune device in her city taxicab. Fearing massive public backlash for allowing a Ke$ha concert to feature her authentic singing voice, the music industry opted instead to cancel her career entirely.

The Auto-Tune device is designed to correct the pitch of voices of talentless vocal "artists" whose shallow careers are based primarily on image.

After the fans had all exited the arena, Ke$ha was found alone in a Staples Center dressing room, wiping profuse tears into discarded L.A. Clippers towels. “The auto-tune has always been the real star," she snapped. "I'm manufactured. Beautiful like J-Woww, yet a one-dimensional sham. The press are going to start to call me $hamWoww.”

RCA Records has shattered all plans to make a follow-up album to $hamWoww's debut album, "Animal". The Federal Communications Commission and the Recording Industry Association of America hastily made certain that there are stringent laws on the books to prohibit $hamWoww from performing live or attempting to be creative in the continental United States.

Lou Diamond Stunner, the taxicab driver who drove off into the night with the career life-line device of the artist formerly known as Ke$ha, was given the key to the city by Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. Plans for a bronze statue of Stunner are underway.

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August 8, 2010

FAVRE TO RETURN TO HIGH SCHOOL TEAM FOR UPCOMING SEASON


KILN, MS - (The Comedy News) - Capping off a third straight off-season of coy indecisiveness, Brett Favre announced on Sunday that he will be re-joining the Hancock North Central High School Hawks for the 2010 football season.

Despite being 22-24 years older than most of his team mates, the three-time NFL MVP remarked, "I truly think this will be the most talented team I have ever played on. The maturity, respect, and lack of salary-cap issues with the Hancock squad really will make this an extraordinary experience. Just like me, the Hawks boys just want to play football, drink beer on week nights, and ultimately win that ever-elusive championship."

Favre also noted that he has fired his media-hungry agent, Bus Cook. Taking over the managing duties for Favre's return to high school will be his longtime friend and former Green Bay Packers tight end, Mark Chmura.

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Bristol Palin Annoys America With Another Kid That No One Cares About

JUNEAU, AK - (DoghouseDaily) - Bristol Palin has become pregnant yet again and America could hardly care less. The newbie was conceived in the back of a rusted 1995 Dodge pick-up truck parked in a McDonald's parking lot on the afternoon of June 4th. The father, 19-year-old Kirk Cramerton, is a freelance sea lion breeder and an employee at the McDonalds where his latest blessing was conceived. According to Cramerton, Bristol refused to use contraception during their thirty second miracle session.

"I told her that we should use protection and she threw a fit. Then she went into a tirade about how it would hurt her mother's political image," said Cramerton via closed-circuit radio at the McDonald's drive-thru window.

When asked for comment, the grandmother, Sarah, remarked, "I'm going to have another grandson! Whoopee! Dontcha know, all great Presidential candidates these days should be a grandparent" she said while pointing a cautious finger and making enticing facial contortions."

This boring, played out news piqued the interest of unemployed comedian Conan O'Brien. He dejectedly tweeted from his back patio that he has had it with the Palin family, emphasizing that even jokes about them became trite after 2008. "The Palins are about as entertaining as typos, big chins, and backstabbing automobile enthusiasts with Peppi le Pew hairstyles. Don't even get me started with that Chelsea Clinton and her latest matrimonial publicity stunt."