February 5, 2011

Troy Polamalu and Clay Matthews Make a Hair-Razing Super Bowl Wager

Super Bowl XLV Brings Side Competition

ARLINGTON, TX - (The Comedy News) As Super Bowl XLV approaches, players on both sides of the ball are psyching themselves up in a variety of ways. The Green Bay Packers’ quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, studies Pittsburgh defense film; the Pittsburgh Steelers’ wide receiver, Hines Ward, practices blocking.

Meanwhile, Packers outside linebacker Clay Matthews III and Steelers strong safety Troy Polamalu have prepared for the big game by making a side bet. The deal is that whoever is on the losing team must shave off their hair and make it into a trophy for the winning player. Both players cherish their precious locks, and to lose their pride and joy would emasculate them.

“I haven’t had my hair shorter than a foot since middle school,” whined Pro Bowler Clay Matthews. “The ladies love it. To be bald would reduce my sex appeal. I can’t lose that.”

Polamalu could not be reached for comment, but Steelers’ head coach, Mike Tomlin, offered, “That slacker refused to cut his hair. Day in and day out, I threaten to fine him to get rid of his mane. But it would be sweet to see Matthews shave. That hairdo is an embarrassment to the league.”

The Packers inside linebacker A.J. Hawk begged to get into this deal, but Polamalu and Matthews ignored his requests. B.J. Raji offered his two cents. “It’s bad enough that he starts. That journeyman doesn’t belong on the same field as us,” says the 2nd year 350 pound defensive tackle. “I’d rather have (punter) Masthay at his position. He is a far better athlete than that washed up Buckeye ever was.”

NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, approved this deal and agreed to make this spectacle into an award. He promised to provide the electric razor, and get the Wahl Clipper company to be the sponsor. Goodell e-mailed, “This will be a new tradition. The Hairy Mane Trophy will be a hit with the fans. It’s a better gimmick than the XFL.”

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