June 27, 2011

Quarterback Russell Wilson To Be Named New Chancellor of University of Wisconsin

UW:  "If Bo Jackson Can Play Football and Baseball, Russell Wilson Can Play Football and Chancellor"

MADISON, WI - (@TheComedyNews) - Following the announcement of quarterback Russell Wilson transferring to the University of Wisconsin Badgers football team, the school also announced that the 22-year-old will also be UW-Madison's new chancellor.

"I am truly thrilled at the opportunities I will have this fall in Madison," Wilson wrote in an email while on board a plane enroute from Raleigh to Madison.  "I look forward to being in the starting quarterback position for both the football team, and the school administration.  Haha.  Get it?  'Cuz the chancellor gets to call all the plays for the school too!  No, really, the chancellor gig should be a pretty good time and I am honored that I get to serve the people of this fine university."

Wilson's experience in carrying out the duties of both a football quarterback and university chancellor have been questioned.  About 50% of Wisconsin residents are quite concerned that the next chancellor of their flagship university will have no college degree, while the other 50% think Scott Walker is doing a fantastic job as Governor.

To Wilson's credit, he has completed coursework in communications at North Carolina State University in Raleigh which should serve him well as he tackles UW-Madison's budget woes ---while simultaneously attempting to lead the football team to another trip to Pasadena for the 2012 Rose Bowl.

"What truly sets Russell apart from the rest of his team mates is that he is a multi-tasker," remarked football coach Bret Bielema.  "He has also been of legal drinking age for over 18 months now, and we all know how much of a responsibility that is when you're surrounded by so many young athletes." 

University officials have defended their choice to name Russell Wilson as the new chancellor of the University of Wisconsin by stating that,"if Bo Jackson can play both football and baseball, Chancellor Russell Wilson can play football and chancellor.  After all, everyone knows that the only thing that matters to a college or university is whether their football team can play in a bowl game on New Years Day." 

June 25, 2011

Frankenstein Drafted #1 By Cleveland Cavaliers in NBA Draft

NEWARK, NJ - (@TheComedyNews) - German basketball star Heinrich "Heinie" von Frankenstein was selected first overall by the Cleveland Cavaliers in the 2011 NBA draft .

The 8'3" behemoth from Munich is expected to make an immediate impact with his abilities to block, rebound, and scare the wits out of opposing players and fans alike.

"This man could signal a new era of the league where corpses can play and owners do not have to worry about injuries," commented NBA Commissioner David Stern.  Stern also noted that the league has planned to make rule changes to accommodate corpses including the "The Mike Tyson Rule", no gnawing or eating of human flesh on the court or benches.

Frankenstein immediately signed a contract for 5 years worth $97 million and has endorsement deals with Taco Bell and Volkswagen.  Upon signing with the Cavaliers, Heinie commented, "Me vahhnt braaaains," in a deep drawl.

June 17, 2011

Bob Saget to Play Anthony Weiner in Made-for-TV Movie, "Weinergate"

Biopic Will Show How Job Performance Is Much Less Important Than Personal Life   

QUEENS, NY - (@TheComedyNews) - Actor and comedian Bob Saget has been tapped by Anthony Weiner himself to play the former Congressman in the upcoming made-for-TV movie, "Weinergate".

Saget, known around the comedy scene for his vulgar and graphic stand-up material, is said to not only look like Anthony Weiner when he wears his contact lenses, but also has the tendency to yell similarly to former Congressman Weiner.

"I invited Bob over to my bungalow in Queens this week, we had a good talk," describes Weiner, clad in a Mets sleeveless shirt at a Golds Gym.  "Bob proved to me that not only does he basically look like me and have the propensity to drop f-bombs and impress a lot of ladies, he is also a huge proponent of health care reform."

Weiner also asked Saget to do a health care reform-themed Aristocrats joke at the top of his lungs at some random republican dissidents.  Details of the graphically hilarious partisan rant have not yet been published, but eye-witnesses say some of the topics covered included John Boehner's tanning lotion, a highway rest-stop toilet, and John Stamos moonlighting as a urologist.

At that point, Weiner was sure that Saget was the man to portray him in a made-for-TV movie.

CBS is set to air the made-for-TV movie on labor day weekend.  Principal photography will begin this weekend in a government-operated locker room.

Although the film is set to be titled, "Weinergate", the producers are considering renaming the project something more original:

--"Huma's Cool With It: The Anthony Weiner Story"
--"Congressman Beefcake Goes to the Gym"
--"Cable News Casualties Caught on Tape"
--"No Different Than A Constituent"
--"Life in the I Don't Give A Fuck Lane"
--"Everybody's Done It, So Shut Up"
 --"How to Be Great At Your Job And Get Forced To Resign Over Shit That Is No One's Business But Yours"

June 7, 2011

Steve Jobs Announces black iPhone's Bid for Presidency

Jobs:  America  Is Ready for A Black iPhone to Lead, Change

SAN FRANCISCO, CA  - (@TheComedyNews) - Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced today that the black iPhone will run for President of the United States in 2012.  

"The black iPhone is more popular than ever," announced the 56-year-old Jobs at the keynote speech at the Apple World Wide Developer Conference.  "It is time that we take the American Presidency into the digital age.  So today, I am proud to announce that the black iPhone 4 featuring the iOS Chief Executive 5 operating system will be running for President of the United State of America."

The Apple CEO went on to describe how a series of Apps will be able to handle each and every one of the tasks of the Presidency. 

One such app, called "Bullshit Speech", is an application that has users type in various aspects of an event (location, crowd type, honorees, day, time, weather, local sports team, local unfortunate citizen triumphing over adversity, campaign slogan of the day) to generate a fluffy keynote speech in seconds.
There has been no announcement of whether the white iPhone will be making a bid for President.

Steve Jobs has been tapped as Chief of Staff and Press Secretary for the black iPhone's bid for President---and will be doing all of the work remotely using an iPad.

Jobs has said that the iPad will be not be running for President due to its larger, cumbersome size.  He noted that "now that the iPhone is in the election mix, if iPad runs for President, it will be seen as just the next William Howard Taft --- big fat ass that comes from Ohio."  The iPad is sometimes regarded as an enabler to lazy-ass couch-potatoes since its advertisements always feature someone in socks reclining while using it in front of the TV.  

Apple declined to mention how the black iPhone will fare in battle ground states such as Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Ohio, but Jobs did remark that, "America is ready for a black iPhone to lead, and change America into a better, more intuitive, colorful, touchscreen nation." 

In a written statement for the black iPhone description on Apple's website, it is noted that political parties are obsolete these days.  It's going to be 2012, and republicans and democrats won't be able to compete with the power of the new party, the Apple party.  [The Apple Party] is taking over faster than the Tea Party at a Sarah Palin rally.  The big difference is that the Apple party will thrive on innovation, technology, and facts. 

In a straw poll of people likely to vote on election day in 2012, President Barack Obama still led the field of candidates challenging him for President, with the black iPhone in a close second:

Barack Obama (Democrat):  65%
Black iPhone (Apple):  20%
Bowl of Cheerios (Republican):  9%
Mitt Romney (Republican):  6%
Sarah Palin (Republican):  +/-0%