UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - (
@TheComedyNews) - It is that time of year where the patriotic Americans come out in droves to celebrate their country's independence from Great Britain in 1776.
And the only thing more Patriotic than watching high-budget patriotic films is making a top ten list about them.
Honorable Mentions
Braveheart (1995)- It is not the Americans winning independence, but nonetheless it is a depiction of a group of oppressed rebels kicking some British Royal ass.
Super Size Me (2004)- Big Macs are basically synonymous with America. What can be more patriotic than eating copious amounts of McDonald's for a month?
Almost Heroes (1998)- A big fat American, Chris Farley, beats the British (and Lewis and Clark) in a race to the Pacific Ocean in 1803. His public relations team is not that good, so Lewis and Clark end up taking all of the credit. This helps to set up precedent for the great American tradition of backstabbing and lying for fame and fortune.
Glory (1989)- America's favorite truant student grows mutton chops and leads America's first all-black military regiment against the land of Dixie.
Top Gun (1986)- Unnecessarily glorifying Tom Cruise is pretty damn American.
Armageddon (1998)- Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler ruined a truly patriotic film.
Ghostbusters 2 (1989)- Lady Liberty took a stroll in Manhattan.
Miracle (2004)- Kurt Russell shows the world that a bunch of college boys can whip the Soviets in their bread and butter, ice hockey.
Top 10 Most Patriotic American Films Since 1776:
10)
True Lies (1994)-Arnold Schwarzenegger prevents Miami from becoming the next Hiroshima. The film was also used by the Bush Administration as evidence for the need of certain enhanced screening regulations by the TSA.
9)
Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay (2008)- The sequel to the greatest road trip film of all time features the line, "Is it freedom o'clock?"
8)
The Patriot (2000)- This is the only film on this list that actually depicts the Revolutionary War. Mel Gibson defeats the Redcoats and helps America win Independence.
7)
South Park Movie: Bigger, Longer And Uncut (1999)- America fights Canada to let them know who is the boss of the New World. And when you can't decide on a good villain to unite against, always be sure to default to Saddam Hussein. After all, it worked for George W. Bush.
6)
Saving Private Ryan (1998)- If films could fight a war, the Steven Spielberg World War II film would duke it out with
Shakespeare In Love (1998) for the Academy Award for Best Picture...and then lose.
5)
Beerfest (2006)- Benjamin Franklin once said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." This film is the epitome of what it is to be a drunk American--- chugging obnoxious amounts of beer to prove is the coolest kid in high school.
4)
Die Hard I-IV (1988-2007)- Bruce Willis defeats the Germans twice and puts down two rebellions in America. Yippee-ki-yay [Mister Falcon].
3)
Independence Day (1996)- Bill Pullman as a President is a joke (like Eugene Debs), however the combination of the Fresh Prince's witty one-liners, the annoying bastard
from
Jurassic Parks I and
II, and Randy Quaid destroying a 9 mile in diameter ship dramatizes America's ability to fend off an alien invasion. In the immortal words of Captain Steven Hillard, "Welcome to Earth!".
2)
National Treasure (2004)/
The Rock (1996)/
Con Air (1997)- Nicholas Cage is what every American jockstrap bonehead aspires to be: explosive, awesome, and a buried in a pile of box office cash and rotten tomatoes. These films include fire, car chases, convicts, lots of guns, and Disney-like happy endings.
1)
Rocky IV (1984)- The perennial underdog, Rocky Balboa, battles Communist Russia's top boxer---a steroid receptacle named Ivan Drago. While behind enemy lines in the U.S.S.R., Rocky wins the Cold War without a nuclear bomb. Ivan Drago, on the other hand, goes on to serve as the inspiration for Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Hulk Hogan, and other patriotic American heroes/role models
