January 3, 2012

Romney Has Better Things to Do Than Campaign In Iowa

BOSTON, MA - (@The Comedy News) - While most Presidential candidates are scrambling for last minute support from voters, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is comfortably sitting in his Massachusetts mansion.  Romney is reportedly taking a break from drafting his upcoming acceptance speech he anticipates he will be giving at the Republican National Convention in Tampa Bay, Florida, only eight months away. 

Romney declared his ambivalence for the Iowa Caucus via Twitter this morning:
"What's so cool about Iowa?  C'mon, every state has farms and fields.  What makes you so special?  The Field of Dreams? Ain't no Fenway Park.  #45thPresident"
Representative Ron Paul refused to respond to Romney due to Twitter being too 'mainstream' for his intolerably-irritating libertarian supporters.  

Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann only tweeted nonsensical words:
"Me thinks Iwoa are important. Rahmny not smrt. ME get Conserv'tive Putty Nomnation'#PartyGURL)".
And Former Senator Rick Santorum polluted the headlines with his two cents: 
"Continuing my jihad against Birth Control! #makebabiesnotjobs"
Romney is in fact so certain of himself to receive the GOP nomination for President, that he pledged to never step foot in any American town with an average annual income of less than $99,000.  He has also pledged to not touch his campaign donations until after the Republican National Convention, favoring the use of Monopoly money instead.  Finally, Romney's four moderately good-looking sons will be vying to raise money as contestants on the TV game show "The Price Is Right", in lieu of traditional fund raising.