"I Don't Have A Single Nuke, Only a Large Pencil Named 'Duke'"
TEHRAN, IRAN - (@The Comedy News) - After warning the world for many years, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accomplished his controversial goal of erasing Israel completely from his map and globe collection.
Using a 20-centimeter pencil he won at a ring toss in Dubai on New Years Eve 2003, President Ahmadinejad staggered from room to room in his palace over the weekend, scribbling and erasing Israel from all of his maps.
According to sources, the 55-year-old President has been talking for years about finally using the big novelty pencil to carry out his irrational plans, so he does not have to see renderings of his least favorite regions of the world.
President Ahmadinejad has nicknamed his large novelty pencil "Duke" after the bloodhound dog from his favorite TV show as a kid, The Beverly Hillbillies. Although the political leader has always wanted to have a bloodhound like the one featured on the TV show, he outlawed the possession of household pets in his country several years ago, and did not want to seem like a hypocrite.
So he settled for a big novelty pencil in lieu of a dog. Ahmadinejad defends such a choice as "just following in line with the whole, 'pen is mightier than the sword' cliche."
People around the world have feared that President Ahmadinejad had ambitions of using nuclear weapons ("nukes") to escalate hostilities with rival countries. However, he has now clarified that his possession of the pencil, "Duke", has been mispronounced by the international community and interpreted to be "Nuke". Ahmadinejad calls these errors unforgivable and an "abomination to his freedom to keep, collect, and edit antique maps and globes".