AURORA, CO (@The Comedy News) The United States' gun nuts have already rushed to agree that rockstar Marilyn Manson, video game Doom, and the new Health Care Reform Law were the causes of the tragic movie theatre shooting in Aurora, Colorado.
One gun nut, Jethro Vonboothe, 27, blathered his reasoning: "I don't know much about Marilyn Manson, but I have a hunch he inspired this violence. 'Cuz I read some spooky things about Manson on a blog once."
Vonboothe's cousin/wife, Carrie Mae Vonboothe, 23, blathered that the first-person-shooter video game Doom also has blood on its hands for causing the tragic Dark Knight Rises shooting. "Doom is the most violent video game ever," Mrs. Vonboothe explained. "I know where kids these days learn how to be violent with guns, and it's Doom. That's why I just take my kids to Church and they are only allowed to watch one hour of the History Channel--trying to keep the kids from being exposed to violence and hate."
The new Health Care Reform law has been blamed by some as the reason the awful shooting occurred.
"Having the Government provide health care to all Americans is already causing people to do all sorts of crazy things," blathered Mitchell Randolph, 54 of Tuscon, Arizona. Randolph is an up-and-coming Twitterer, known for his support of voting rights for guns.
Randolph blathered on, "Socialized medicine providing vouchers for mental health counseling? Ha, this is real life, not make-believe, son. There's no such thing as mental health. And we don't need the Government telling parents what to do and don't do with our precious guns. Family history has shown that, parents know exactly how to take care of their kids and guns themselves."
All interviewed parties went on to blather that "If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will own guns." Critics agree that this is great expository poetry, especially to those who have ever gotten goosebumps while listening to the song "Cat Scratch Fever".