President Barack Obama
"Having hot sweaty passionate victory sex with ma belle, Michelle."
Vice President Joe Biden
"Making crude innuendos at the President after intentionally walking in on he and Michelle having hot sweaty passionate victory sex."
"Creating a Monster.com profile so I can go back to work for the first time since 2002."
"Avoiding eye contact with Karl Rove. Man, that white devil's not gonna wanna talk to me for a while."
"Working on writing a trite hit song to inspire the victims of Hurricane Sandy. And by inspire, I of course mean exploit."
"At Home Depot buying a piece of paper, a pen, a foot stool, and some rope."