November 8, 2012

POST-ELECTION: Racist Virginia Man Declares Racism in U.S. Has Ended

LYNCHBURG, VA - (@The Comedy News) – Reports out of Lynchburg, Virginia indicate that racism in the United States may finally be over.  Over a family dinner on Wednesday night, Frank Daniels declared that Barack Obama’s reelection signifies that "the United States, which allowed the ownership of slaves for nearly 100 years, has moved beyond race."

Daniels continued his rant while drinking French wine poured by his housekeeper, Virgil.  “We just elected a black man as President for the second time.  How the heck could that happen if there was racism? Are you kidding me? That’s just like those people to complain like that.”

Daniels voted for McCain in 2008 and Romney in 2012.  He has frequently mentioned that he could not vote for Obama because of the candidate’s Kenyan citizenship--- but, still insists that race did not play a factor in his vote. 

“I mean, look at him [Obama].  He just doesn’t seem like he’d be from this country, with a name like that and all.  If he were white, I’d think the same thing.  But I’ve never met a white guy named Barack.  I rest my case.”

Daniels insisted that "blacks, Mexicans, and Jews now have the same opportunities" and receive the same treatment as anyone else in the United States.  He continued, “I really think there’s been a lot of change over the past couple of years. I may even let that dark-skinned boy at the Buy ‘n Save bag my groceries.”

--UPDATE (11/8/2012 - 11:11: AM) --
Daniels was thrown in jail Wednesday morning for indecent exposure at a Buy 'n Save check out line.  The judge has set the bond at $30, of which no members of Daniels' family or known friends have come forward to pay.