January 30, 2013

Mass. Gov. Deval Patrick Names MIT Janitor Will Hunting to Interim U.S. Senate Seat

Foul-Mouth Genius with Criminal Record Will Succeed former Senator John Kerry

BOSTON, MA  - (@The Comedy News) - Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick has named Democrat Will Hunting the next Senator from Massachusetts. 

Hunting, a political newcomer, is not without controversy.  He has been arrested dozens of times for driving under the influence, disorderly conduct, assault and battery, and was expelled from several orphanages as child.  Republicans are concerned that Hunting is also friends with liberal Hollywood filmmaker, Benjamin Affleck.

Despite his genius IQ of 189, he was most recently employed as a custodian at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.  He was fired, though, for forcibly attempting to teach a calculus class himself.  Despite the standing ovation from the grateful students, MIT security tased Hunting. 

Hunting is expected to drop almost as many f-bombs on the Senate floor as former Vice-President Dick Cheney did frequently during his time as President of the U.S. Senate.

Hunting has already declared that he will be running in the special election in June, with the campaign slogan, "How Do Ya Like Them Apples?"

Senator-Designate Will Hunting has already planned an ambitious docket of legislation for his brief Senate term:
  • Legislation to eliminate the letter "R" from the alphabet.  
  • Getting baseball player Carleton Fisk the Congressional Medal of Freedom as consolation for never winning a World Series.
  • A pardon for Coach Bill Belichik, exonerating him from all illegal video-taping allegations.
  • A memo to the Federal Bureau of Investigation to add former Red Sox first baseman Bill Buckner to the FBI's Ten Most Wanted List.   

The 42-year also old told a crowd of inebriated constituents at 9:00 AM this morning at a south Boston Irish pub that he will seek a law to criminalize the manufacturing, sale, and distribution of Manhattan Clam Chowder.  [Editor's note, Senator-Designate Hunting referred to the cuisine as "Yankee Blood Soup"]

Hunting has expressed reservations about taking on the task of becoming a member of the most exclusive club in the land.  To keep his sanity, each week, Senator-Designate Hunting will be making an 84-hour round trip drive to see his on-again, off-again British girlfriend, Skylar Driver, Esquire in Palo Alto, California.

After meeting constituents who were complaining about how they lost their jobs as hot dog vendors at Fenway park, Senator-Designate Hunting gave them all 20-minute hugs each and repeatedly told them, "it's not your fault," until they cried.  At that point, he moved on to the next unemployed constituent and repeated his hypnotic hugging exercise.

Senator-Designate Hunting has already appointed Dr. Sean Maguire, a professor of psychology at Bunker Hill Community College to be his Chief of Staff.