February 23, 2013

21 People You Meet at a Jewish Singles Happy Hour

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The Serial J-Daters:
Dressed in their bar/bat mitzvah best.  They haven't seen your profile before, so they approach you and refuse to walk away until they find something in common so they can turn it into a date.  For example: "Oh so you're drinking beer?  I like to drink beer, I know a great place where I can take you for a beer."

The Harem of Girls Who Stand at the Bar in a Circle and Refuse to Mingle:
You know the group of girls who all go out together to meet guys, yet just complain amongst their friends about how they never meet any guys?  Yeah, its because theyre at the bar talking to each other with their arms crossed and their attitude full throttle.   Save the drama for your momma, and mingle with something single.  

The Gaggle of Dudes Who Stand by the Bar and Refuse to Mingle:  
Sour grapes who are certain that there is no one of quality to hit on at the bar.  After about two hours of this, they end up at an Irish Bar with the dudes they showed up with. 

The Matchmaker:  
Matchmaker, matchmaker, we just met, but you're quite intent on setting me up with someone:  "Oh my god, I have a friend who would be perfect for you.  He/she is single, and Jewish, and their dad and my dad were room mates at Brandeis!  Small world!  Just Facebook him/her, oh, and just be yourself."

The Shark:
Doesn't talk to anyone, just walks in circles and stalks his would-be prey like a balding Jaws in Gap khakis.  Harmless.   

The "You Should Come Over To Shabbos" Guy:  
World record holder for pushiness.  Just to throw him off, ask him if Shabbos is this Wednesday or next Tuesday. 

The State School Booster:
Go team go!  Newsflash pal, being a devoted college football fan is not a major.  And how do you know so many people here tonight?

The Private School Elitist:
It takes four questions to find out where this un-humble snot went to college.  
"What was your major?"
"I studied economics."
"Oh where?
"Boston." 
"What part?"
"Cambridge."
"Oh really?  Which school?"
"Harvard.
"Never heard of it."

The AEPi Recent Alumnus:  
Drinks?  Drinks?  Anyone want a drink?  He is actually more interested in getting drunk than hitting on you tonight, so you've been warned.  For an interesting conversation, ask him about the brand of dogfood he had to eat during hell week.   At least he won't give you a dead-fish handshake. 

The AEPhi/SDT/Alphabet Soup Sorority Alumnus:  
"Well on MY campus, your sorority is blah blah blah blah fat chicks and coke!"

Join my Kickball/Softball/Bocce Ball Guy:
"I think they're hitting on me...wait no, they actually are serious about getting me to join their recreational sports team."

The Jewish Geographer: 
All of the matches end in one of three ways:   I hate them, I haven't seen them in 10 years, or endless drivel about some innocuous Bar Mitzvah/summer camp/shiva story.

The Consultant:
They work for Accenture/Booz Allen/Deloitte.  They can't explain in less than five paragraphs what it is they do by day.  They swear they never go on Facebook because it's blocked at work, yet post endless pictures from every vacation they won't shut up about.  And you have got to be kidding.  You're 22 and you are a consultant?  You are only qualified to audit my deliverables in the beer pong department. 

The Hill Rat:
Works for a Senator.  Works for a Representative.   You know this because they mentioned it to you before formally introducing themselves.   To find out whether they're a Democrat or a Republican, just say "Obama" and see if they scowl or start skipping.  

The Intern:  
Don't worry, if they're in the bar, they're not under 21.  But they certainly don't act like it.  They are likely not being compensated at work, so buy 'em a drink.  Consider letting them crash on your futon.

The First-Year-Out-Of-Law School Lawyer:
Ah yes, what would be a Jewish singles event without a nice Jewish lawyer? Acts as if the two greatest pick-up lines in the world are, "I have so little time these days" and "I hate my job." 

The Offensive New Yorker:
They act as if there is something seriously wrong with you if you are a Jew that did not grow up in Manhattan.  Likely complaining that there is no decent place in Washington, DC to get a perfect bagel and pastrami sandwich. 

The West Coast Jew:
If you run out of things to say to them, just mention In-N-Out.  That'll get them swooning.

Jersey Jew:
Not nearly as awful as MTV would like you to think. 

The Just Back from Birthrighters:  
Inside jokes galore.  Be on the look-out for grievances about hiking Masada, Discotheque, Bombas, Schwarma, and trysts with furloughed IDF soldiers.  

Your Bashert:  
Somewhere in the list above.

February 20, 2013

Fiddler in the Vatican: Cardinals Select First Jewish Pope

VATICAN CITY - (@The Comedy News) - One-hundred-and-fifteen Cardinals have gathered in the Vatican City and selected the first Jewish Pope in the  two-thousand year history of Catholicism.

Woody Allen, a Jewish filmmaker from New York City, has been appointed the replacement for His Holiness Emeritus, Benedict XVI.

Although this is an unprecedented move by the Vatican, the first Pope, St. Peter, had a fairly positive relationship with the Jewish people during his reign, according to primary sources.

The world's first Jewish Pope has selected his "Pope name", which will be Pope Portnoy IX.  

Pope Portnoy IX could not be reached for comment, because he was deeply engaged in a conversation with his Mother: 

"For the last time, Ma, I'm not going to be a doctor," Pope Portnoy IX screamed into his white iPhone 4S.  "No, Ma.  I'm sure she is a nice girl, but there's no point in you introducing me.  Well, this new gig I got has some rules, goddammit."

Pope Portnoy IX's assistants have released a list of changes that he will embark upon for the remainder of his lifetime appointment as the first Jewish Pope:

--Midnight Christmas Mass will be relocated from the Vatican to Katz's Deli.  This will be followed by an early morning Christmas Day Chinese buffet lunch with the local Cardinals, and a Papal Mission to the nearest Regal Cinema.  

--Christmas will now focus less on Jesus' birth, but rather, more on his Bar Mitzvah, twenty years before his death at age 33. 

--Pope Portnoy IX will donate his elaborate white outfit to charity, and instead wear a 20-year-old suit that spouts a plume of dust whenever a colleague pats him on the shoulder.

--The trademark over-sized hat will be retired and replaced with a red over-sized Kippah full time.
 --In an Easter/Passover hybrid, the Afikomen will involve having bunnies find a hidden slice of Matzah. 

--The Communion cracker will come with lox and shmear. 

--All sex scandals will now involve Shiksas (18 and older) with tattoos. 

--The Pope Mobile upgraded to something safer, like a Volvo.

Song-Clapping at Shabbat Services All Over the Damn Place

BRENTWOOD, CA - (TWITTER: @The Comedy News) - The congregants at Temple Beth Raash (בית רעש) in Brentwood, California have been running into some musical mishaps for the past few Friday nights:  the congregants can't seem to clap at the right moments.

"We have tried in vain to get our audience to clap together and on time," lamented Rabbi Steven Zembrowsky.  "I have had three different Cantors quit on us in the past year.  One even stormed out shouting about how she should have never converted from southern Baptism."

During song sessions, congregants singing along with the Rabbi and Cantor can hardly seem to clap at any of the right moments, rather, are just making lots of white noise that drowns out the amplified service-leaders.  

Typically, the Rabbi will lead the service along with a Cantor strumming a guitar.  These days, however, the Beth Raash song-leaders can barely recruit a Cantor who can mash a tambourine without becoming frustrated with a beat-illiterate audience.  

Temple Beth Raash has brought in consulting firm Booz and Company to study how the songleaders can get congregants to clap at the right moments.

After a three hour study, analysts concluded that the biggest musical gaffes tend to occur towards the end of services, particularly during the chanting of "Oseh Shalom".

"Honestly, they've got a long way to go," notes a senior Booz consultant specializing in Religious Song Cohesion.  "And according to an Apollo Theater-style survey, the only people that really care about this are the Rabbi, the Cantor, and five or six posturing musical has-beens in the audience.  Everyone else is quite jolly clapping off-beat and wrong."

Still, Rabbi Zembrowsky is quite miffed by his congregation's musical malignity.

"These days," scowled the Rabbi, "I can barely do the eye-cover thing during the Shemah.  I just stand with my hands on my hips, head down----embarrassed."

EDITOR'S NOTE:
At the most recent Shabbat Service, Rabbi Zembrowsky stormed-out midway through the service yelling, "Yasher koach, you tone-deaf little shits!"

February 17, 2013

How the 44 Presidents Will Spend Their President's Day...

I will be spending President's day...

Barack Obama:   Drinking Hawaiian Punch and eating macadamia nuts while watching the 1998 Bulls on YouTube.

George W. Bush:  Hooked on Phonics.

Bill Clinton:  Porking a hot coed who is too young and dumb to know who Bill Clinton is.

George H.W. Bush:  Recounting tales of Yale buffoonery and theft of Geronimo's bones.

Ronald Reagan:  Making love to my true loves: Jane Wyman and j elly beans.  And then forgetting about it.

Jimmy Carter:  Mailing peanut care-packages to heads of state in Axis of Evil countries.

Gerald Ford:  Making fun of Ohio State while denying any long-term brain trauma from football-related head injuries while playing for Michigan.

Richard Nixon:  Cheating at something.

John F. Kennedy:  Trying to justify that I married a George Washington University girl.

Dwight D. Eisenhower:  Watching World War II coverage on the History Channel and saying "That's not what happened!"

Harry S. Truman:  Making Missouri relevant.

Franklin D. Roosevelt:  Doing a wheelchair race/5K for polio and homeless New Yorkers.

Herbert Hoover:  Taking anti-Depressants. 

Calvin Coolidge:  Signing petitions to repeal ObamaCare.

Warren G. Harding:  Teaching a corruption seminar at the Wharton School of Business with New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Bellichik.

Woodrow Wilson:  Hitting on nerdy Jersey girls.

William H Taft:  Zumba.

Theodore Roosevelt:  Boxing Floyd Mayweather Jr then wrestling a bear then bull riding then doing cock pushups.

William McKinley:  Raiding Cuba for cigars. 

Grover Cleveland:  Considering coming out of retirement for third time.

Benjamin Harrison:  Convincing publicist that beards are still cool.

Chester A. Arthur:  Competing in the world series of sideburns.

James Garfield:  Trolling University of Michigan blogs with pro-Buckeye vitriol.

Rutherford B. Hayes:  Having lunch at Chik-Fil-A with Supreme Court Justices Scalia and Alito.

Ulysses S. Grant:  Still hungover from seeing a million boobs at Mardi Gras.

Andrew Johnson:  Pardoning OJ Simpson and Bernie Madoff. 

Abraham Lincoln:  Checking out some theatre in the Castro.

James Buchanan:  Chugging bottles of water with Marco Rubio.

Franklin Pierce:  Distancing self from disgraceful descendants, George, George, and Jeb Bush.

Millard Filmore:  Conspiring with NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre to bring back the "Compromise" of 1850.

Zachary Taylor:   Proudly sharing the names of the two heart-throb kids from Home Improvement.

James K. Polk:  Regretting  adamant support for bringing Texas into the union. 

John Tyler:  Watching DW Griffith's Birth of a Nation.

William Henry Harrison:  Anything but hat and coat shopping.

Martin Van Buren:  Toupee shopping.

Andrew Jackson:  Getting kicked out of Knoxville's Neyland Stadium for public belligerence.

John Quincy Adams:  Sleeping and eavesdropping on the old House of Representatives floor. 

James Monroe:  Saying, "I can't believe people still buy into that whole "Manifest Destiny" bullshit!  I made it all up!"

James Madison:  Learning how to play "The Roof is On Fire" on Guitar Hero.

Thomas Jefferson:  Having sex with uncompensated workers.

John Adams:  Still pissed at Jefferson.

George Washington:  Watching Downtown Abbey saying "Americans watch this shit?"

For more information about each President, please visit their home page on Wikipedia:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Presidents_of_the_United_States

February 8, 2013

US Postal Service to Become Shomer Shabbos

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) -  John Goodman's Jewish character in the cult classic film, "The Big Lebowski" refused to go bowling with his pals on Friday nights and Saturdays because he was "shomer [flipping] shabbos".  

Well move over, John Goodman, because the United States Postal Service (USPS) has gone Shomer Shabbos as well. 

As of this week, the USPS has decided that it will no longer deliver mail on Saturdays due to its observance of Shabbat from sundown on Friday through sundown on Saturday. 

"This brings us mailmen and mailwomen so much nachas," announced the Postmaster General.  "Our mail-carriers will finally be able to attend their first Bar and Bat Mitzvahs---after years of suffering the indignity of delivering thousands of obnoxiously large gaudy invitations to these simchas each week---- yet never being able to attend one themselves."

The USPS is clearly excited about this opportunity to observe the sabbath day and sanctify it.  As a side bonus, the USPS hopes that the extra day of rest and unpaid wages will help the United States Government balance their stupid [flipping] budget




February 6, 2013

Organic Gluten-Free Fat-Free Lactose-Free Vegan Noodle Kugel Disgusts 90% of All Shabbat Dinner Attendees

World's Healthiest Noodle Kugel Recipe Bombs at Shabbat Dinner Debut
World's healthiest noodle kugel

BERKELEY, CA - (@The Comedy News) - Julia Yalda spent all of Friday afternoon with her boyfriend Claude preparing to host some friends for a Shabbat dinner.

The cuisine was typical:  challah bread, Manischewitz wine, felafel, and Israeli cucumber salad. The guests---fellow classmates from the University of California-Berkeley---were ready for a Friday night feast. 

And the main dish Julia was most excited about serving was a recipe she concocted on her own:  an organic, gluten-free, fat-free, lactose-free, vegan noodle kugel.

Culinary professors say that the best noodle kugels should be approximately 2,000 calories per serving.  Julia's healthy kugel is about 200 calories per serving.

"Shabattie hotties and shalomie homies! I give you the healthiest noodle kugel the world has ever tasted!"  Julia announced as she plopped square hunks of a wet yellow noodle kugel on her guests' plates.

Unfortunately, none of Julia's nine guests enjoyed the healthy kugel---including her boyfriend. 

At first, the guests were put off by the pungent smell of the kugel as Julia walked from the kitchen-end of her studio apartment to the makeshift dinner table. 

Lauren Sweiren, a friend of Julia's since freshman year, sent a mass text to three other attendees:  "WTF did Jules slaughter a cow in here???!"

After each guest was served a festering pile of Julia's healthy noodle kugel, she sat intently staring with her eyes open, teeth showing, hands clasped on her boyfriend Claude's shoulder.

"Oh Jesus Mary and Joseph!"  Shouted Julia's friend Yoni Rosenblatt as he took his first bite.

Julia cut off Yoni and asked, "I know, right?  Deelish!  And so healthy too!"

Over the next 45 minutes, the nine guests sent a series of under-the-table text messages damning everything about Julia's noodle kugel:

"I thought there's supposed to be raisins in this, not edamame. Ick"
"I'd rather be obease than suffer the indignity of eating this JennyCraigKugelCrap."
"Vom."
":( :( :( "
"I'm breaking up with her, not kidding."
":)))))  JK.  Shld hav eatn taco bell."

One guest, Shana Bloomquist suggested out loud that they all take a bite.  A series of ankle kicks were sent her way from around the table.

Approximately 52 minutes after the first bite of kugel was eaten, all of the guests stood up in unison and left Julia's apartment. 

Not getting a clue at all, Julia wished all of her guests the best and a good shabbos.

Each of the nine guests, including her now ex-boyfriend Claude, went to a local tavern and did tequila shots until they got the taste of the world's healthiest noodle kugel out of their bodies and memories. 


World's Healthiest Noodle Kugel Recipe
  • 4 Vegan soy "egg" whites
  • 16 ounces of fat-free sour cream
  • 16 ounces of fat-free cottage cheese
  • 20 ounces of cooked vegan noodles made by the hippie commune in the alley behind the house---must NOT have FDA approval.
  • 1 cup of Edamame
  • 1 teaspoon of Rosemary
  • 1 teaspoon of Curry powder

1)  Grease 13x 9-inch pan with "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter---Vegan Gluten-Free edition"
2)  Boil vegan noodles.
3)  Combine all contents in pan.
4)  Bake for one hour at 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
5)  Serve with plenty of napkins for spitting, and hair-ties for long-haired friends who are likely to regurgitate shortly after consuming.

February 1, 2013

Trashy Toothless Truck Driver to Be Nominated as New Secretary of Transportation


BENTONVILLE, AR - (@The Comedy News) - Riley McCooter, a 15-year veteran of Wal-Mart's truck-driving fleet, has been nominated to be the next Secretary of Transportation.

"I'm a fixin to be the bes damn sec of no jo transvestation of here der land godblessmerca," McCooter attempted to tell reporters from a Detox facility in Birmingham, Alabama.

McCooter is a graduate of West Knox Middle School where he majored in detention and was a straight-A student in gym class. 

Colleagues said that McCooter is neither a democrat nor a republican, and that one of his top priorities will be the decriminalization of driving while intoxicated. He voted for neither Mitt Romney or Barack Obama in the latest election, rather, was a staunch Rick Santorum supporter.

In his free time, McCooter enjoys domestic violence, shooting neighbors' pets, shooting neighbors, and supervising his 19-year-old son Elmer's meth lab.  

When asked why a boor such as McCooter was nominated to be Secretary of Transportation, President Obama said it was "to prove a point that Senate republicans will identify with McCooter and blindly support his agenda of making America a much less safe place to live."

As expected, McCooter's nomination was rejected with 55 democratic votes against, and 45 republican votes to confirm.