February 17, 2013

How the 44 Presidents Will Spend Their President's Day...

I will be spending President's day...

Barack Obama:   Drinking cocoanut water and eating macadamia nuts while watching the 1998 Bulls on YouTube.

George W. Bush:  Hooked on Phonics.

Bill Clinton:  Hitting on a college coed who is too young to know who Bill Clinton is.

George H.W. Bush:  Recounting tales of Yale buffoonery and theft of Geronimo's bones.

Ronald Reagan:  Making love to my true loves: Jane Wyman and jelly beans—then forgetting about it. Capping off the day by cutting funding to mental health clinics.

Jimmy Carter:  Mailing peanut care-packages to heads of state in Axis of Evil countries.

Gerald Ford:  Making fun of Ohio State while denying any long-term brain trauma from football-related head injuries while playing for Michigan.

Richard Nixon:  Cheating at something.

John F. Kennedy:  Trying to justify that I married a George Washington University girl when all I really wanted was Marilyn.

Dwight D. Eisenhower:  Watching World War II coverage on the History Channel and saying "That's not what happened!"

Harry S. Truman:  Making Missouri relevant.

Franklin D. Roosevelt:  Doing a wheelchair race/5K for polio and homeless New Yorkers.

Herbert Hoover:  Taking anti-Depressants. 

Calvin Coolidge:  Signing petitions to repeal ObamaCare.

Warren G. Harding:  Teaching a corruption seminar at the Wharton School of Business.

Woodrow Wilson:  Hitting on nerdy Jersey girls.

William H Taft:  Zumba.

Theodore Roosevelt:  Boxing Floyd Mayweather Jr then wrestling a bear then bull riding then doing cock pushups.

William McKinley:  Raiding Cuba for cigars. 

Grover Cleveland:  Considering coming out of retirement for third time.

Benjamin Harrison:  Convincing publicist that beards are still cool.

Chester A. Arthur:  Competing in the world series of sideburns.

James Garfield:  Trolling University of Michigan blogs with pro-Buckeye vitriol.

Rutherford B. Hayes:  Having lunch at Chik-Fil-A with Supreme Court Justices Scalia and Alito.

Ulysses S. Grant:  Still hungover from seeing a million boobs at Mardi Gras.

Andrew Johnson:  Pardoning OJ Simpson and Bernie Madoff. 

Abraham Lincoln:  Checking out some theatre in the Castro.

James Buchanan:  Chugging bottles of water with Marco Rubio.

Franklin Pierce:  Distancing self from disgraceful descendants, George, George, and Jeb Bush.

Millard Filmore:  Conspiring with NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre to bring back the "Compromise" of 1850.

Zachary Taylor:   Proudly sharing the names of the two heart-throb kids from Home Improvement.

James K. Polk:  Regretting  adamant support for bringing Texas into the union. 

John Tyler:  Watching DW Griffith's Birth of a Nation.

William Henry Harrison:  Anything but hat and coat shopping.

Martin Van Buren:  Toupee shopping.

Andrew Jackson:  Getting kicked out of Knoxville's Neyland Stadium for public belligerence.

John Quincy Adams:  Sleeping and eavesdropping on the old House of Representatives floor. 

James Monroe:  Saying, "I can't believe people still buy into that whole "Manifest Destiny" bullshit!  I made it all up!"

James Madison:  Learning how to play "The Roof is On Fire" on Guitar Hero.

Thomas Jefferson:  Having sex with uncompensated workers.

John Adams:  Still pissed at Jefferson.

George Washington:  Watching Downtown Abbey saying "Americans watch this shit?"

For more information about each President, please visit their home page on Wikipedia:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Presidents_of_the_United_States