February 1, 2013

Trashy Toothless Truck Driver to Be Nominated as New Secretary of Transportation

BENTONVILLE, AR - (@The Comedy News) - Riley McCooter, a 15-year veteran of Wal-Mart's truck-driving fleet, has been nominated to be the next Secretary of Transportation.

"I'm a fixin to be the bes damn sec of no jo transvestation of here der land godblessmerca," McCooter attempted to tell reporters from a Detox facility in Birmingham, Alabama.

McCooter is a graduate of West Knox Middle School where he majored in detention and was a straight-A student in gym class. 

Colleagues said that McCooter is neither a democrat nor a republican, and that one of his top priorities will be the decriminalization of driving while intoxicated. He voted for neither Mitt Romney or Barack Obama in the latest election, rather, was a staunch Rick Santorum supporter.

In his free time, McCooter enjoys domestic violence, shooting neighbors' pets, shooting neighbors, and supervising his 19-year-old son Elmer's meth lab.  

When asked why a boor such as McCooter was nominated to be Secretary of Transportation, President Obama said it was "to prove a point that Senate republicans will identify with McCooter and blindly support his agenda of making America a much less safe place to live."

As expected, McCooter's nomination was rejected with 55 democratic votes against, and 45 republican votes to confirm.