July 2, 2013

Media Demands Edward Snowden Provide New Photo Without Hideous Hairy Mole Growing From Neck


MOSCOW, RUSSIA (@The Comedy News) - The international news media have asked fugitive NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden release a new file photograph without the hideous hairy mole growing from the left side of his neck.

"I damn near vomited when I saw that festering cockroach emerging from Snowden's neck," said Odette O'Brien of the the Irish Associated Press.  "Our news service tends to publish high-definition photos, especially headshots of psychopaths, murderers, terrorists, and other bastions of high television ratings.  But we knew that a picture of Snowden with his nasty mole photobombing would be too graphic and too grotesque for our readers."

The hideous hairy mole on Snowden's neck has also turned several non-Extradition Treaty countries against Snowden's pleas for asylum.

"The great people of the Republic of Ecuador are hesitant to welcome into our country what just might be the most photographed smarmy mole of the twenty-first century," the Prime Minister of Ecuador said in a written statement. 

Some pro-mole advocates have come to Snowden's defense, saying that his 4-centimeter hairy bulging pustule mole makes the disgraced Booz Allen Hamilton contractor beautiful in the same way as Marilyn Monroe and Cindy Crawford. 

Still, news outlets from all seven continents have united in opposition and signed onto a letter urging Edward Snowden to provide a new file photograph sans mole:

Dear Mr. Snowden,

We, the undersigned media representatives from all SEVEN continents of the World are happy to continue reporting fair and impartial news reports about your recent ordeal. 
 However, in order to satisfy the nausea limits of our readers and viewers, you must provide a new file photograph without that nasty mole on your neck.  It is huge.  It reminds us of approaching a public toilet and finding someone else's shit caked on the side.
Already, one reporter had a stroke after he claimed your hideous mole winked at him.  Get rid of it.  In the words of Uncle Buck, "Go downtown, and have a rat naw that thing off your face."
Good day to you,

Associated Press of North America
Brazil News International
Al Jazzera Antarctica
Kim Jong-uNews
Kangaroo Times
The Daily European Weekly
Pride Rock Sun Times