“There Is No Doubt That I’m The Biggest Douchebag In America ”
CONCORD, NH – (The Comedy News) – Just hours after President Barack Obama released a certified copy of his birth certificate, billionaire Donald Trump unveiled his offiical credentials certifying himself as one of the largest douchebags alive today.
“There have been egregious doubts that I am an enormous douchebag that bulldozes the poor and marries any bipedal blond dame just for publicity,” announced Trump at a press conference in New Hampshire. “Today, we silence those doubts. I might just be the biggest douchebag in America.”
The Douchebags Incorporated Conglomerate Klub Society, otherwise known as the D.I.C.K.S., released the parchment certification this afternoon, mostly to suppress rumors that Trump may be an altruistic individual that is a viable candidate for public office. The parchment was made from the skin of a laborador retriever puppy, and is encrusted with diamonds and written with ink from a live Octopus.
According to the D.I.C.K.S. communications director, Trump’s level of douchebaggery was in question following his purported run for the Oval Office in 2012.
“People have always said Donald’s a douche. That’s expected---he’s a dumb celebrity feigning to be a real estate genius, and has been for many years,” defended the D.I.C.K.S. communications director, Sylvester Stallone-Gibson. “But there have been doubts over the years that maybe putting up homes and vacation spots shows a congenial, altruistic man behind the rancid combover. And the D.I.C.K.S.’ mission is to certify these douchebags of society so they can be accepted into various organizations that require a douchebag certification clearance. ”
The organizations that require a douchebag certification clearance include Goldman Sachs, the Masters Golf Club, the roadies for the Artist formerly known as “Prince”, BMW of North America, and the University of Southern California athletic department.
Career politicians are typically not eligible to get official douchebag certification from the D.I.C.K.S. since they are already guaranteed the “douchebag” label from roughly half of their constituents. Trump’s foray into politics recently has forced the D.I.C.K.S. to make clear that if Trump does become an official Presidential candidate, he always will be the certified douchebag that he has been for his entire life.
Other members of the Douchebags Incorporated Conglomerate Klub Society include Benjamin Franklin, Henry Paulson (former Goldman Sachs CEO), Jack Valenti (MPAA founder), “comedian” Andrew Dice Clay, Dallas Mavricks owner Mark Cuban, Michael Lohan (father of Academy Award repellant Lindsey Lohan), and reality TV star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.
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