May 30, 2011

Meteorologists: DC Interns Are the Cause of DC Humidity

Influx of Unpaid, Obnoxious Interns Found to Attract Sweltering Summer Weather 

WASHINGTON, DC - (@TheComedyNews) - Meteorologists at the National Weather Service have released a study finding that the sweltering summer humidity in Washington, DC is due to the influx of unpaid summer interns. 

"We have analyzed data dating back to 1799, when the first summer interns were commissioned to help with the labor of governing the United States," according to Dr. Roger Patrick, the lead meteorologist on the study.  "Interns were originally the children of only Congressmen,  clergymen, and bankers, and their parents wanted them to come to town to learn about running the government before any of the other general public did."  

The study notes that before 1799, the District of Columbia had very mild summers with average temperatures rarely exceeding 75 degrees Fahrenheit, and virtually no humidity at all.

Over the years, as the size of the federal government expanded, more and more interns came to DC to spend their summers working at unpaid jobs---and have thus caused the humidity that engulfs the nation's capital from May until September. 

Today's interns attract more atmospheric moisture than ever.  Interns are seen in droves crowding the Metro train, dancing obnoxiously at the worst bars in town,  boasting about Fraternity and Sorority obligations, and are overheard in the hallways having the most arrogant conversations amongst each other.  When these unfortunate things happen, there is a hormone released when such human smugness reaches astronomic levels.  That hormone, called arrogantimone, is then released into the atmosphere and lingers in the form of humidity for six to eight weeks. 

Even as this article is being composed, two interns exchanged in typical humidity-causing banter:

"Hey Lisa, we need to go to McFaddens tonight, I hear it's a really fancy place so no wearing any of your polarbear Midwestern cardigans."
"Oh you wish you were Midwestern, Brynn.  You don't have college football on your campus."

"Tufts University has football, but no one cares about it.  Also, Tufts is in Boston, that's the same place where Harvard is.  Besides, you're not Midwestern, you're from Miami." 
"I go to Michigan, and Michigan's in the Midwest, so therefore I'm Midwestern.  Michigan also has the largest football stadium in America."

"Well, you work at a non-profit, that's gotta be lame.  My intern coordinator at the House of Representatives says that I get to take a picture with the Congressman at the end of the summer."
"How many more stops until Foggy Bottom/GWU subway station?"
As this conversation went on, the windows of the Metro train began to slightly fog up.  An entire DC Summer interns blog has been set up to document such incidents. 

Some estimates say that the 110,000 or so interns that will come to DC in the summer of 2011 will make this year one of the most humid on record. 

One of the more intriguing findings during the National Weather Service's research of the correlation between unpaid interns and DC summer humidity was the emergence of America's first intern.

George Washington had who is now known as the first intern in the history of the United States.  His name was Jebbediah McMonica and he was a "Generals Apprentice", a civilian servant tasked with drawing copies of maps, making lists, and preparing morning coffee for President Washington. 

According to primary sources, many of these Generals Apprentices often complained of a wet, murky undergarment defect they would get in their clothing after working long unpaid hours.  In the late 1700s, this was known as "Foggy Bottom".  Today, this aliment is now known as "swamp ass".   

May 29, 2011

Lactose-Intolerant Indy 500 Winner Absent from Victory Party

Dan Wheldon Drinks Victory Milk, Misses Post-Race Celebrations
INDIANAPOLIS, IND. - (@TheComedyNews) - In front of a capacity crowd of 257,325 spectators, English driver Dan Wheldon won the Indianapolis 500 car race this afternoon, only to go missing immediately following the race----presumably due to his lactose intolerance.

It has been tradition since 1933 that the winner of the Indianapolis 500 drink a bottle of "victory milk" as they accept the victory trophy.  Although the winners have the option to drink whole, 2%, or skim milk, there has never been any lactose-free milk offered to the winners.

Unfortunately for Dan Wheldon, he joins a short list of lactose-intolerant Indy 500 winners.  

It became apparent that Wheldon was uncomfortable on the victory stage when he started chugging the victory milk and clutching his abdomen.  As he started to writhe in discomfort, Wheldon started dousing himself with the milk, likely in an effort to avoid drinking any more, and to appease the raucous car racing fans watching on TV at home.  

"Yeah, we haven't seen 'em since he was on the victory stage," described 4-time Indy 500 winner AJ Foyt.  "He looked like me when I had just won the race in 1977.  I took two big gulps and then... woosh!  Right to the stomach it went to wreak havoc.  Poor guy."

Wheldon was absent from his victory party, but he did, however, update his Twitter page during his absence:  "Ughhh, crampy.  These weren't the fireworks I was expecting." 

It is rumored that once Wheldon emerges from the bathroom that he will get an offer to be an official spokesman for Lactaid. 

May 15, 2011

Sarah Palin Releases iTunes Library; Proves Taste for Hip Hop

Former Alaska Gov. Enjoys Hip Hop, Comedy, Audiobooks


WASILLA, AK - (@TheComedyNews) - To quell allegations that she does not care for hip hop, Sarah Palin has released a screenshot of a playlist in her iTunes ---showcasing an eclectic variety of interest.  Both her playlists names and a list of songs in a playlist titled, "President Sarah Palin" are listed below: 

A variety of playlists were listed:
--Batshit Brainstorming
--Bristols Dances
--Country-Ass Tunes!
--Hunting Mix
--I'm Not Racist Proof 2
--Line Dancing Class
--President Sarah Palin
--Ronald Reagan Speeches
--Ted Nugent Live
--WWE Entrances
--Country-Ass Tunes 2
--ABCs and 123s
--Angry vMails from RNC
--Audacity of Hope Audiobook
--Comedy Central Roasts
--Karl Rove's Talking Points
--This Old Man/John McCain's old stuff
--Liberal Musicians
--Magazine Reading Zen
--Rosetta Stone - 1A English

Sarah Palin's songs:
--"Highway to Hell" - AC/DC
--"Peace with Inches Speech" - Al Pacino
--"My Humps" - Black Eyed Peas
--"No Woman, No Cry" - Bob Marley
--"The Rising" - Bruce Springsteen
--"Super Bowl Shuffle" - 1985 Chicago Bears
--"Fantastic Voyage" - Coolio
--"Bootylicious" - Destiny's Child
--"Ruff Ryders Anthem" - DMX
--"Gimmie That Nut" - Eazy-E
--"White America" - Eminem
--"Guys Named Todd" - George Carlin
--"Gun Enthusiasts" - George Carlin
--"There Is No God" - George Carlin
--"American Idiot" - Green Day
--"Driving Miss Daisy" - Hans Zimmer
--"The Power of Love" - Huey Lewis and the News
--"Natural Born Killaz" - Ice Cube
--"Living in America" - James Brown
--"Say it Loud, I'm Black and I'm Proud" - James Brown
--"99 Problems" - Jay-Z
--"Jesus Walks" - Kanye West
--"Faith" - Limp Bizkit
--"Mambo Number Five" - Lou Bega
--"Black or White" - Michael Jackson
--"Air Force Ones" - Nelly
--"Party and Bullshit" - Notorious B-I-G
--"Remix to Ignition" - R-Kelly
--"I Can Change"  - Saddam Hussein
--"Push It" - Salt-N-Pepa
--"Truly Madly Deeply" - Savage Garden
--"Gangsta Luv" - Snoop Dogg
--"America, Fuck yeah" - Team America:  World Police

May 9, 2011

Hats To Be Banned at Kentucky Derby Due to Rise in Gang Violence

Rival Gangs Clash at Churchill Downs;  Oversized Garish Hat Was Tip-off 

LOUISVILLE, KY - (@TheComedyNews) - The longstanding tradition of wearing your best, biggest, brightest hat at the Kentucky Derby has been officially prohibited by Derby officials.  

What seemed to be a jovial 2011 running of the Kentucky Derby was marred by debutant√© gang violence on Saturday.  According to witnesses, a gaggle horse breeders called "the Valor gang" traded taunts with a gang of family members of jockeys --- "the Filthy Fillies"--- in an adjacent, lower-tier luxury box. 

"Someone from the Valor gang yelled, "plebeians, your hats are poor, just like your finances", recalled a witness to the incident.  At that point, a Filly gang member spotted some of the Valors, with their hats shaking as they snickered.  From there, a 2-hour physical melee ensued. 

"All that was left was feathers, flowers, bobby-pins, and the injured laying in piles of mint and puddles of bourbon," recalled a horrified onlooker.   

Kentucky Derby officials determined that the glorification of hats "was beyond a reasonable doubt, the primary contributor to the culture of gang violence that has infiltrated Churchill Downs." 

Starting with the 2012 Kentucky Derby race, there will be no hats permitted except for baseball caps and visors with the name of a horse on them.  Officials hope that this will help quell the uprising in gang violence at the race.   More significantly, the new hat policies will likely turn the Kentucky Derby into more of a horse race spectacle, as opposed to the aristocratic hat show it has been for 137 years. 


May 1, 2011

50 Million Young Adults Nationwide Say "America, F!#k Yeah" At Least Once Today

"Fuck Yeah" Tweeted, Facebooked, Shouted, 4.8 Billion Times

SEA TO SHINING SEA - (@TheComedyNews) -  How exactly did Americans react to Osama bin Laden being killed by US Special Forces?   

"AMERICA,  FUCK YEAH."  That's how.   

Immediately following the killing of Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, millions of Americans took to social networking sites to express their profound jubilation---approximately 4.8 billion times as of 9:00 AM Eastern Time. 

The bulk of the users of the "America, Fuck Yeah" phrase are young adults, aged 18-35.  

Young adults throughout the United States have rejoiced at least once today by shouting, tweeting, and facebooking the hottest new patriotic rallying cry.

The origin of the phrase, "America, Fuck Yeah" can be traced to the fall of 2004, when the film, Team America:  World Police was released.  The film, a satire on the War on Terror, was created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone---the masterminds behind the hit TV show, South Park.  A musical anthem played throughout the film featured a song was titled, "America, Fuck Yeah!"--- characterized by jingoist sentiments, and prideful pro-war lyrics. 

Internet traffic websites are confirming that the most repeated phrase of the day today has been "America, Fuck Yeah", with more than 4.8 billion instances of use. 

Ten Ways "America, Fuck Yeah" Has Appeared in Our Dialogue Today

--  "Today, my 4-year-old daughter was sent home from kindergarten for writing "America, Fuck Yeah" in her fingerpaint class to describe what she did over the weekend.  FML."  Vicki, 24, Mequon, Wisconsin.  (fMyLife)

--  "I guess this means I'm next.  Oh well, until then, AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!"  -James Hoffa, 98, East Rutherford, New Jersey  (Twitter)

--  "Fuck You, Osama bin Laden.  May 1st is Officially "Fuck Hitler and Fuck Bin Laden Day".  America, Fuck Yeah!"  -Sister Mary Clarence, 33, Las Vegas, Nevada  (Facebook)

--  "Let's see his old bones.  I want a picture of Osama dead!  No really, I do, it would look great on my wedding invitations.  America, FUCK YEAH!"   Sandra, 20, St. Louis, Missouri  (LinkedIn)

--  "If America can capture Bin Laden, I can perhaps find a nice Jewish boyfriend.  America, Fuck Yeah!  Oy givult."  -Sophia Zembrowski, 23, Brooklyn, New York (JDate)

--  "WINNING!  AMERICA!  WINNING!  FUCK!  WINNING!  YEAH!"  Charles Sheen, 45 Hollywood, California  (Twitter)

--  "Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!  Roma-roma-mamaa!  Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!  America, Fuck Yeah!"  Lady Gaga, 25, New York, New York.  (Facebook)

--  "[310]  He had just taken off my pants when one of his room mates ran into his room and shouted, 'AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!  WE KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN!' and tried to give him a high five with me just laying there in a bra and no underwear."  (Texts From Last Night)

-- "[Shaking President Obama by the shoulders]  Holy shit!  No way!  George W. Bush is probably so salty and drunk right now.  AMERICA!  FUCK YEAH!"  Vice President Joe Biden, 68, Washington, D.C.  (Oval Office

TSA To Keep Up Fight Against Shampoo, Toothpaste

BREAKING NEWS:  In the wake of the CIA's killing of Al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden, the United States Transportation Security Administration has vowed to keep up the fight against the threats posed by shampoo and toothpaste bottles of travelers.

"Now that Osama bin Laden has been killed, Colgate and PertPlus have each moved up a spot in the rankings of the largest threats to national security," an official said. 

No word yet on the future of racially-motivated, irrational, and borderline illegal enhanced physical pat-downs.