March 27, 2012

Conservative Justices Each Offer Ultimatum to Obama in Exchange for Health Care Reform Support

L to R:  Thomas, Scalia, Alito, Roberts, Kennedy

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - The five most conservative Justices on the United States Supreme Court have set the terms for what could sway them to favor upholding the controversial "Obama Care" law.  Each of the Justices was asked to respond to the following prompt: 

I will vote in favor of the constitutionality of President Obama's Health Care Reform law if....

Chief Justice John Roberts
"...Obama stops blaming me for flubbing his oath of office.  It was his fault." 

Justice Samuel Alito
"...Obama lets me, my wife, and my kids see the pictures of Osama Bin Laden's bloodied dead corpse."

Justice Antonin Scalia
"...Obama promotes me to Chief Justice, instead of that rat bastard Roberts." 

Justice Anthony Kennedy
"...Obama can get the American public to stop assuming that I'm a liberal windsurfing womanizing drunk catholic Masshole chowderhead, just because my last name is Kennedy." 

Justice Clarence Thomas
"...Obama issues an Executive Order to allow Supreme Court Justices to sexually harass their coworkers, as well as decriminalizing the adding of discarded nether region hair to Coke cans if the intent is an all-deliberate malicious prank."

Japan Admits Cherry Blossoms Were Just a Scheme to Flare-up Americans' Allergies

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - Officials in Tokyo, Japan admitted today that the gift of Cherry Blossoms to the city of Washington, DC in 1912 was only a scheme to agitate Americans' allergies. 

"Yes, the gift of 2000 Cherry Blossoms to Washington, DC one-hundred years ago today was only a deceptive trick to make Americans sick and miserable," a Tokyo city official announced.  "We are not saying we are sorry, we're just taking credit for this hilarious Trojan horse you all can't seem to get enough of."

The tree pollen emitted by the Cherry Blossom trees has wreaked havoc on DC inhabitants and the millions of visitors who flock in droves each spring to see the pink cherry blossom trees in bloom. 

For decades, some people have suspected that Japan's "generous gift" of cherry blossoms to the United States in the Spring of 1912 was indeed a deceptive means to make Americans miserable and sick.  Now that those rumors have been confirmed, historians are suspecting that President Harry S. Truman authorized the atomic bomb-dropping on Hiroshima and Nagasaki as payback for Japan's snotty prank.  


March 20, 2012

Tim Tebow Brings His Agent Jesus Christ To Press Conference

DENVER, CO - (@The Comedy News) - Following quarterback Peyton Manning's announcement that he will be joining the Denver Broncos, Tim Tebow held a press conference under the direction of his lord, savior, and agent, Jesus Christ. 

The first question for Christ questioned his judgement, or lack there of as the reporter alluded:  "Hi, Tom White, SI (Sports Illustrated), can you explain the decision to deliver Tim to the Broncos only to have him benched three years later for Peyton?"

The Holy Redeemer paused and bit the left side of his lip before deflecting the question:  "Look guys, this wasn't my decision to bring in Peyton, it was my father's," said Christ.  "I can't really explain it myself, he works in mysterious ways."

Christ appeared to not allow Tebow to speak on his own behalf for the duration of the 8-minute press conference.  However, when Christ indicated that the sermon/press conference was over, Tebow began to kneel on one knee with his head bowed in prayer.  Christ then rolled his eyes and quietly commanded, "come on, kid, let's go" as he nudged his client off the podium.

In a related story, New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady, weighed in on the Peyton-Tebow situation in Denver through his agent, The Devil:  "These Manning brothers are snoozeville.  Wake me up when they get three rings." 

March 19, 2012

Congressional Dick Caucus formed by Senators Durbin, Blumenthal, Burr, Lugar, and Shelby

Congressional Dick Caucus Seal
WASHINGTON, DC (@The Comedy News) -  A bipartisan group of Senators and House of Representatives members has formed a new caucus, the Congressional Dick Caucus.  

The Congressional Dick Caucus is aimed at congregating all of the Richards and Dicks in both the House and Senate into a powerful ensemble that will ensure that members of Congress abide by a strict code to be complete dicks to the American people for generations to come.  

"Americans often wonder, 'how does dick come to be a nickname for Richard?'"  Rhetorically asked by Senator Dick Durbin, founder of the Dick Caucus.  "Well today, Congress recognizes this conundrum, its double-meaning, and will forever work to ensure that not only will Dick remain a synonym for Richard, but that there will be many dicks in Congress for as long as there is a USA on this Earth!  I yield the floor."

Political insiders expect the Congressional Dick Caucus to aim to get some sweeping dick legislation through to the President during the upcoming year.  One piece of legislation is likely to be the "Doing It Can Kill" Act (formally known as the DICK ACT), which places a surtax on all sexual intercourse, by taxpayers and their pets. 

Senate members of the Congressional Dick Caucus include Senator Dick Durbin (D-Il), Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-CT), Senator Richard Burr (R-NC), Senator Richard Lugar (R-IN), and Senator Richard Shelby (R-AL). 

House Members of the Congressional Dick Caucus include Congressman Richard Nugent (R-FL), Congressman Richard Neal (D-MA), Congressman Richard Hannah (R-NY), and Congresswoman Laura Richardson (D-CA).

In all, there are three democrats, and five republicans in the Congressional Dick Caucus.  The Dick caucus also is made up of seven males, and one female. 

The Great Seal of the Congressional Dick Caucus (pictured above) features a left handed middle finger on red white and blue striped background.  Still, the Great Seal of the Dick Caucus has come under scrutiny, for it is very similar to the great seal of the Congressional Fuck You Caucus, chaired by Senator Tom Coburn and Congressman John Boehner.  That seal looks basically the same, but with an unwashed right hand caked in snake oil and pee. 

March 15, 2012

75-Year-Old Curmudgeon Somehow Dominates All of His NCAA Basketball Pools Again

HILL VALLEY, CA - (@The Comedy News) - Casino magnate and Biffco Toxic Waste CEO Biff Tannen has once again dominated each and every one of his NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament pick brackets.  This year marks the 57th straight year that Tannen has predicted each of the winners flawlessly.

"Yeah butthead, that's right, nobody knows sports but me," Tannen told Dick Vitale in an exclusive interview.  "My NCAA Basketball brackets are flawless, and they'll always be flawless.  So you know what, Dick?  Why don't you make like a tree and go gush over some basketball."

This year, Tannen collected another $900 Billion in gambling spoils.  Some experts believe that Tannen may very well be the smartest human of all time.

"There's hardly an explanation to explain Mr. Tannen's success with predicting sporting event outcomes over the last half century," explained Professor Gerald Bearing of Princeton University.  "It's either dumb luck, Biff is a genius, or someone from the future gave Biff a list of all the winners for the last fifty or so years---highly unlikely!  I'm gonna conclude that Biff Tannen is indeed a genius---a modern-day Nostradamus."

Since 1955, Tannen has been the most accurate gambler and predictor of sporting event outcomes that the world has ever seen.  In recent years, he has predicted both of Butler University's championship game berths, the New England Patriots' 18-1 meltdown in 2008, and even the Appalachian State victory over the Michigan Wolverines in 2007. 

Although Tannen claims to have "just a magic touch", his predicting abilities seem to be limited to sporting events only.  Some have chastised Tannen for not using his predicting abilities to foresee tragic events to benefit humanity. 

"All I can say is that there's no money to be made in predicting world events.  So I'm not gonna even try," Tannen sneered at reporters while quickly burying his face into a book he has discreetly been reading since the spring of 1955.  "Yeah even if I could predict the Kennedy Assassination, the Challenger Crash, or 9/11, I wouldn't of (sic) said anything about it... unless of course, I could make some sort of monetary wager with someone saying it won't happen."***

***Editors note:  Tannen was good friends with Former Presidents Lyndon Johnson, Ronald Reagan, and George W. Bush.  

March 8, 2012

Rush Limbaugh Bust to be Modeled After Fat Useless Cow Trophy

Bust Set to be Resemble Pathetic, Irrelevant, Hollow Steer with No Testicles

Artist rendering of Limbaugh Bust
MISSOURI - (@The Comedy News) - A preliminary design for the controversial Rush Limbaugh bust statue for the Missouri Hall of Fame has been modeled after the Big Ten Football Conference's "Heartland Trophy".

The Heartland Trophy, which has only been relevant for about eight years, features a fat useless hollow cow with no testicles, which artists believe will truly capture the essence of Rush Limbaugh.

"I believe the proposed Rush Limbaugh stone bust will be pound-for-pound, the most revered statue in our collection," announced the chief curator of the Missouri Hall of Fame bust committee. 

The model for Limbaugh's bust serves as a trophy for the winner of the kinda-sorta irrelevant Wisconsin-Iowa football game.  The Heartland trophy was created as an artificial means to establish a credible rivalry between the two teams in 2004.  Like Limbaugh, the pseudo-rivalry is small but irritatingly loud and clamoring for attention and relevance. 

When reached for comment, Limbaugh remarked that he "doesn't like trophies because trophies get passed around, and when you're passed around, willy-nilly, you're a slut and a prostitute..."  The 61-year-old venom-spewing disk jockey continued for another minute and then concluded that the Heartland trophy did indeed resemble him quite well.  At that point, he issued the artists an insincere apology, resumed injecting oxycodone into his temple, and proceeded to order a sawed-off shotgun on craigslist.