February 23, 2012

Filet-o-Matzah, Big Matzah Mac to Debut At McDonalds For One Week this Spring

BOROUGH PARK, NY (@The Comedy News) - To coincide with the Jewish holiday of Passover, McDonalds is introducing two special burgers for one week only.

The Filet-O-Matzah and the Big Matzah Mac will debut at sundown on the first night of Passover.

The main feature of the new temporary burgers will be the buns made from matzah---an unleavened, crunchy flatbrad made solely from water and flour.

For the Big Matzah Mac, the matzah buns will be in lieu of the traditional Big Mac sesame seed buns that are forbidden by Jewish law for the week-long holiday celebrating the Jews' freedom from bondage in Egypt 5,000 years ago.

Since the traditional Special Sauce on the Big Mac will be unkosher for Passover, the Big Matzah Mac will feature a "Schpecial Schmear" between the two all-beef patties, along with cheese, lettuce, pickles and onion. 

"We are proud to introduce our latest line of kosher-for-Passover burgers that will ensure that McDonalds' devout Jewish customers can still enjoy their favorite McDonalds meal during their holidays," announced a McDonalds spokesman.  "From sundown April 6 through sundown April 14, McDonalds at select locations in New York, Miami, Los Angeles, and Boston will be ditching the chametz and pitching some matzah burgers."

The second McDonalds Passover burger, the Filet-O-Matzah, will feature a hunk of raw matzah dough flanked by two matzah flatbread slices.  

During the week of Passover, McDonalds will also be promoting the "happykomen".  The happykomen is a McDonalds version of the traditional Passover game "afikomen".  For the price of $3.99, children will be encouraged search for traces of the pink slime goo paste that has been forbidden from McDonalds food since late 2011.  The first child to find a trace of the pink slime goo paste gets their choice of a free Big Matzah Mac or a Fliet-O-Matzah.  All participating children will get a free dreidel. 

The official celebrity spokesman for McDonalds' new kosher-for-Passover slogan, "Ditch the Chametz, Pitch some Matzah Burgers", will be the reclusive Baseball Hall of Famer Sandy Koufax.

February 16, 2012

World's First Hipster Astronaut Orbits the Earth

World's first hipster astronaut posing.
Hipster Astronaut Drinks the First Pabst Blue Ribbon in Space

BROOKLYN, NY - (@The Comedy News) - This morning, NASA hit its latest major milestone in space exploration when they launched the world's first hipster astronaut into orbit.

Twenty-seven-year old Brad Mills of Lewiston, Maine became the first hipster to be launched into space.

"Yeah that's right, I orbited the Earth, and it's a really obscure thing to do, that's for sure," remarked Mills from 250 miles above the Earth's surface.  "Honestly, how many people actually know what it's like to be an astronaut?  500?  Half of which are either dead or too old, so they're all like lame and on Earth with the rest of the slaves to gravity.  Going to space is as indie as it gets." 

Astronaut Mills' solo journey aboard the Space Shuttle Williamsburg will last 36 months.  His first mission is to orbit the Earth 55 times and verbally ridicule all of mankind for not resisting the trendy, draconian effects of Earth's gravitational pull.  From there, Mills will travel 2.8 billion miles to visit the 8th rock from the Sun. 

When asked about why NASA wants to send the first hipster in space to visit Neptune, Mills got short with reporters.

"Why send a hipster to Neptune?"  Mills snapped.  "Because no one ever talks about Neptune.  Neptune's obscure.  And frankly, it's better than all the other planets, and no one else knows that.  Mars is the closest to Earth.  Lame.  Jupiter is the largest.  All the trendy jocks like Uranus for obvious reasons.  Saturn thinks it's all hot stuff because it's perpetually hula-hooping.  Mercury?  Too conservative.  And Venus, it's all gassy and lactose intolerant.  And then Pluto---Pluto's just, whatever."

Being the first hipster astronaut entails adding numerous changes to the old trendy NASA spacesuits of yesteryear.  Astronaut Mills personally redesigned the once nerdy, military-style space suit into full hipster astronaut getup.  Additions to the spacesuit include a gray cabbie-hat to go underneath the air-tight helmet.  The front of the helmet also now has a white silhouette of a handle-bar mustache---a fashion trend that, according to Mills, is "highly obscure and alienating to all who see it."  In addition, Mills affixed patches of some of his favorite things to his outfit, including a Nintendo NES game-controller, a 'I heart Indie' patch, and Mills' favorite, a Pabst Blue Ribbon patch on his front oxygen tank.

For the official pre-launch photograph, Mills refused to have any background image other than argyle. 

Mills expects to become the first human to drink a PBR in space. 

"I packed a 12-pack of PBR in my brown messenger bag.  See?  Here it is, with a strap across my chest," Mills explained while brandishing a messenger bag across his astronaut suit.  "I'm not a typical astronaut.  So, I'm not drinking tang.  Way too conformist.  I'll be drinking PBR and writing novellas from here all the way to Neptune."

February 11, 2012

Burt Reynolds Spends Entire Birthday Trying to Quote His Own Movies Onto A Tape Recorder

LOS ANGELES, CA - (@The Comedy News) - Hollywood legend Burt Reynolds celebrated his 76th birthday today by attempting to quote his old movies. 

Clutching a Talkboy tape recorder he purchased as a birthday gift to himself using his Amazon Prime account, Reynolds tried to recall quotes from his eclectic resume of film roles.

"Heh, what comes after 'L'?  Bow!  Get it?  Elbow!  Heh heh," Reynolds recited into his tape recorder, a quote from his role as detective Nick McKenna in the children's buddy-cop film, Cop and a Half.

As Reynolds attempted to recall quotes from one of his most famous films, Deliverance, all he could seem to remember was the dueling banjo theme.

"Dah na na na na na na na...booda booda booda booda boo, ba dum dum dum dum dum, dum dum dum," he sang into his tape recorder, standing up and attempting to drum on his knee and dance around his studio apartment in downtown Los Angeles.

Later on, Reynolds took a moment to have some birthday cake which he had delivered to his apartment.  At that moment he made a discovery that was so astonishing to himself, he recorded it on his tape recorder.

"Heh heh, this is my birthday cake, and I'm uhh, taking a break from quoting my movies.  It's my birthday cake break.  Hah!  It rhymes.  Birthday cake, and break.  Birthday cake break," the Academy Award-nominated actor laughed to himself.  After eating a few slices by himself, Reynolds wrapped some of the leftover cake in plastic wrap, which he also found amusing.

"Reynolds Rap.  Heh, it's plastic, and uh, keeps my cake moist and fresh," he chuckled to himself, with the tape recorder recording.  "But it's my cake and my plastic wrap, see, Reynolds wrap.  I'm Burt Reynolds, and this is Reynolds wrap.  Muah ha heh!"

Following his birthday cake break, Reynolds took a seat in his recliner and turned on what he thought was his television, but was really his microwave.

Eventually, Reynolds found his actual TV and flipped through the channels.  Upon first settling on watching The Simpsons, Reynolds began a melancholy rant of regrets into his tape recorder.

"Gosh, I've been divorced so damn much.   I wish I could have married Marge Simpson.  I'd change my name to Burt Simpson.  Mah hah!  Like Bart but Burt.  That's funny.  Don't have some cow, man!  Ha ha!"

After his laughter subsided, Reynolds changed the channel to TBS, where he began to watch the Tom Sellick film, Three Men and a Baby.

As he sat watching the film, Reynolds spoke into his tape recorder again.  "Ah, bully.  This three guys and a baby movie was so much fun to make.  Really proud of this.  I don't know why I didn't get an Oscar nod for my lead role.  Lousy lame Grammy Oscar Academy." 

Reynolds relaxed a bit as he watched the rest of Three Men and a Baby.  But his relaxation turned into confused fury as the end credits began to roll.

"Uhh they spelled my name wrong.  Yup they spelled my name wrong, T-O-M is not how you spell Burt.  And Reynolds is not spelled S-E-L-L-E-C-K either," Reynolds screamed into his tape recorder, not realizing that he was once again confusing another 1980s mega-mustached actor, Tom Selleck, with himself.  In a huff, Reynolds picked up his telephone and dialed 9-1-1, where he recorded his side of the conversation.

"Ah yes operator.  This is Burt Reynolds, I am watching one of my movies on TV and the end credits spelled my name wrong.  I think, uhh, all the letters are wrong.....Yes, this really is Burt Reynolds....  No no no, Turd Ferguson is not my name.  That was just a bit on Saturday Night Fever.....  Yeah, that Chris Farley sure did a great impression of me....okay I'll hold, but not too long, the movie credits are almost done and I'm running out of cassette tapes."

February 7, 2012

Scientists Discover Planet That Is Just as Miserable as Earth

TOP:  Nep Tun Massacre;  Pluto McDonald.   BOT: Pluto Springer Show;  Protests at Plutonian Funeral;  Pluto Fashion

CHARON, PLUTO - (@The Comedy News) - Scientists on Earth have discovered that Pluto and its moon, Charon, house a population of beings that are remarkably just as miserable as humans on Earth.  

"We have photographic proof that finally can confirm that yes, there is life out there beyond Earth, and it is just as miserable as life here on Earth," announced a professor at the Search for Extra Terrestrial Misery (SETM) in New Jersey.  

SETM has been in the business of searching the universe for life as miseable as that on Earth since 1989, when the world's first miserable reality-television show premiered, "Cops".  Since then, the growing amounts of misery and shame on Earth have motivated researchers at SETM to discover miserable life on another planet.  

Pluto is the furthest planet from Earth within our solar system at 4.4 billion kilometers away.  Still, there are many miserable facets of life that native Plutonians can empathize with that on Earth. 

After documenting many Plutonians in their daily miserable lives, Earthlings can now have a grasp of just how miserable life is on the other side of the universe. 

First, the Plutonians are just as prone to engage in war between each other as humans are.  In a civil war in North Nep Tun, a platoon of militants got drunk on space beer and decided it would be fun to massacre innocent Plutonians.  The militants involved claimed it was their superiors that ordered the intergalactic travesty.  (PICTURED ABOVE)

Also, Plutonains also relish the freedom of speech.  And just like Earth, beings with the freedom to say whatever they want can have their miscreants.  One splinter sect of Plutonians openly pray for the death of soldiers in the Plutonian army--some holding up signs that read, "Pray for More Dead on Pluto."

For miserable entertainment, Plutonians enjoy watching interviews of fellow Plutonians confess their misdeeds to a wide audience in a talk show format similar to Jerry Springer or Oprah Winfrey.   They also enjoy film festivals where they futilly dream of dressing as elegant as the famous Plutonians on television, including Natalie Plutortman, and Tony Danza.   

Pluto also boasts its most miserable, yet plentiful supply of nourishment:  McDonalds.

Scientists on Earth have discovered have video proof that former disgraced Enron chairman, Kenneth Lay, who has been presumed dead since 2006, was been discovered alive and miserable on planet Pluto.

February 1, 2012

Patriots Placekicker Suspected of Steroids After Kicking 109-Yard Field Goal

FOXBOROUGH, MA - (@The Comedy News) -   After their gargantuan placekicker kicked an unprecedented 109-yard field goal, the New England Patriots will be forced to play Super Bowl XLVI without one of their top starters. 

von Ulf stands at 6-foot eleven inches and weighs 410 pounds
Otto von Ulf, a German-born soccer-style kicker has been indefinitely suspended by the National Football League after suspicions of his excessive steroid use have arisen.  

"The NFL is concerned that Mr. von Ulf's recent shattering of the field goal record is due to illicit muscle-enhancers," an NFL Competition Committee spokesman announced today. 

With less than a week until Super Bowl XLVI, the New England Patriots are without their starting placekicker.

Murmurs throughout the NFL have started to swarm around von Ulf, particularly his physical girth.  Last season, von Ulf was on the practice squad---standing only six-foot six inches tall, 160 pounds---which earned him the nickname, "Noodle Nazi".  By December of 2011, he swelled to six-foot eleven-inches tall, 410 pounds. 

Doctors are puzzled by von Ulf's physique.  Dr. Marvin Nicholas of Boston General Hospital said that, "a gain of 250 pounds of muscle and five inches of height in little over a year is not only unhealthy, but it's damn near impossible.  He's 27 years old and he looks like a tree."

von Ulf's suspected steroid use has likely made him the most powerful player in NFL history.  Already, seventeen fans have been killed by von Ulf's extra-point kicks zooming into the stands after touchdowns. Due to liabilty releases on the back of game tickets, no fans were allowed to sue the NFL for wrongful death.  However, the NFL became suspicious in December when von Ulf kicked a 109-yard field goal in a game at Gillette Stadium---destroying the previous field goal record of 63 yards. 

A Culture of Cheating in New England?

Patriots Coach Bill Belichick and his team are not new to suspicion of cheating and unsportsmanlike conduct.  A few years ago, the team came under fire for illegally videotaping opposing team practices.  And during his team's loss in Super Bowl XLII, Coach Belichick walked off the field like an asshole without congratulating the winning coach.

When local Massachusetts journalists asked the coach about whether he and von Ulf are cheaters, Belichick replied, "Cheetahs?  You think we're cheetahs in New England?  Cheetahs live in the jungle.   This here is New England, and in New England, we play Patriots football."  The coach appeared to be mocking the Massachusetts press corps for their inability to pronounce the letter "-R" in "cheater" in an effort to elude the question.

von Ulf was questioned as to whether Coach Belichick coaxed him into taking steriods.  Due to his limited abilities in the English language, von Ulf could only respond by dejectedly saying, "my uniforms is too tight".