February 1, 2012

Patriots Placekicker Suspected of Steroids After Kicking 109-Yard Field Goal

FOXBOROUGH, MA - (@The Comedy News) -   After their gargantuan placekicker kicked an unprecedented 109-yard field goal, the New England Patriots will be forced to play Super Bowl XLVI without one of their top starters. 

von Ulf stands at 6-foot eleven inches and weighs 410 pounds
Otto von Ulf, a German-born soccer-style kicker has been indefinitely suspended by the National Football League after suspicions of his excessive steroid use have arisen.  

"The NFL is concerned that Mr. von Ulf's recent shattering of the field goal record is due to illicit muscle-enhancers," an NFL Competition Committee spokesman announced today. 

With less than a week until Super Bowl XLVI, the New England Patriots are without their starting placekicker.

Murmurs throughout the NFL have started to swarm around von Ulf, particularly his physical girth.  Last season, von Ulf was on the practice squad---standing only six-foot six inches tall, 160 pounds---which earned him the nickname, "Noodle Nazi".  By December of 2011, he swelled to six-foot eleven-inches tall, 410 pounds. 

Doctors are puzzled by von Ulf's physique.  Dr. Marvin Nicholas of Boston General Hospital said that, "a gain of 250 pounds of muscle and five inches of height in little over a year is not only unhealthy, but it's damn near impossible.  He's 27 years old and he looks like a tree."

von Ulf's suspected steroid use has likely made him the most powerful player in NFL history.  Already, seventeen fans have been killed by von Ulf's extra-point kicks zooming into the stands after touchdowns. Due to liabilty releases on the back of game tickets, no fans were allowed to sue the NFL for wrongful death.  However, the NFL became suspicious in December when von Ulf kicked a 109-yard field goal in a game at Gillette Stadium---destroying the previous field goal record of 63 yards. 

A Culture of Cheating in New England?

Patriots Coach Bill Belichick and his team are not new to suspicion of cheating and unsportsmanlike conduct.  A few years ago, the team came under fire for illegally videotaping opposing team practices.  And during his team's loss in Super Bowl XLII, Coach Belichick walked off the field like an asshole without congratulating the winning coach.

When local Massachusetts journalists asked the coach about whether he and von Ulf are cheaters, Belichick replied, "Cheetahs?  You think we're cheetahs in New England?  Cheetahs live in the jungle.   This here is New England, and in New England, we play Patriots football."  The coach appeared to be mocking the Massachusetts press corps for their inability to pronounce the letter "-R" in "cheater" in an effort to elude the question.

von Ulf was questioned as to whether Coach Belichick coaxed him into taking steriods.  Due to his limited abilities in the English language, von Ulf could only respond by dejectedly saying, "my uniforms is too tight".