March 22, 2011

Marquette and UNC Cleared to Let Michael Jordan and Dwayne Wade Play In Sweet Sixteen

NEWARK, NJ - (The Comedy News) - NCAA officials have confirmed that Michael Jordan and Dwayne Wade will be playing in the Sweet Sixteen basketball tournament match-up between Marquette University and the University of North Carolina this Friday in Newark.

"We at the NCAA were approached by both Michael [Jordan] and Dwayne [Wade] about coming back to the Marquette University Golden Eagles and and University of North Carolina Tar Heels.  We all agreed that having two legends coming back to college ball for just one game will be great for the sport, and even greater for advertising revenues," announced an NCAA official. 

This game will be Michael Jordan's first try at college basketball in 27 years. "All I gotta say is, I'M BACK!"  Announced an excited Jordan from his home in Charlotte.  "I'll be back in Chapel Hill to party it up each night this week.  I've only got 3 days to get back into my college training routine!  I'm pumped to bring that #23 Tar Heels jersey outta retirement." 

Dwayne Wade's return to the Golden Eagles' starting line-up wasn't an easy decision for the 7-time NBA All-Star.  "This is gonna be a blast.  Me and MJ, back playing for our schools," rejoiced Wade at a press conference.  "Although, now that I think about it, I should probably tell [Miami Heat] Coach Spoelstra and Pat Reilly.  I'm supposed to be in Miami at that time to play the Sixers.  Eh, whatevs."  

March 18, 2011

USA To Sell Coveted UN Security Council Vote On eBay

Economists Expect Sale of Permanent Veto Power To Help Offset  US Debt

NEW YORK, NY - (@TheComedyNews) - In the wake of United Nations sanctions against Libya, the United States of America is considering auctioning its coveted vote on the UN Security Council.

"The unprecedented sale of the United States' vote on the Security Council could fetch as much as $500 billion on eBay," predicts economist Norm Finklebauer.  "The escalating situation in Libya could make the value of the vote increase by as much as 25% over the next week.  If there's any time to sell, the time is now."

Experts are confident that the sale of the security council vote by the United States will certainly be a catalyst for economic growth---particularly fixing the national debt and current budget debate.  The billions of foreign dollars that would be injected into the US economy would have an instant impact. 

The UN Security council was founded at the beginning of the Cold War in 1946.  It consists of 15 nations with the power to vote on resolutions to promote international peace and stifle conflict between countries.

Five members of the UN Security Council are permanent and have coveted veto power:  United States, China, United Kingdom, France, and Russia.

Prospective bidders on the United States' UN Security Council Vote

--Some political clout on the global scale could get everyone to forget about that whole 2011 revolution thing. 

--South America's most populated nation will do anything to make their upcoming 2016 Summer Olympics a better time than any of the culturally bankrupt summer games in Beijing, Athens, Sydney, Atlanta, and Barcelona. 

United Kingdom 
--Two votes are definitely better than one.  The UK with two votes could help them relive their 'glory days' of global imperialism. 

Yoko Ono
--A UN Security Council vote could be the final piece to the puzzle for Ono to fulfill her late husband John Lennon's business model for world peace, outlined in the song 'Imagine'.

March 16, 2011

Scott Walker Moves Wisconsin State Capitol Building to Brookfield Square

State Capitol Building Relocated to Thwart Protesters

BROOKFIELD, WI - (The Comedy News) - In an effort to prevent protests near his office, Governor Scott Walker has relocated the entire Wisconsin State Capitol Building 70 miles east to Brookfield. 

"This way, all those 1960's liberals can have Madison all to themselves to protest my ideas," Walker said in an AOL Instant Message.  "So let 'em protest all they want!"

For the past few weeks, there have been consecutive days of thousands of protesters at the lot where the State Capitol square in Madison once stood. With the relocation of the State Capitol  to Waukesha county, it now can be in a more "moderate" region of Wisconsin.  Waukesha County voted 62% for McCain and 37% for Obama in the 2008 Presidential Election.

Physically moving the 106-year-old State Capitol down Highway 43 to it's present location on Moorland Road was quite a daunting task.  The Governor's task force on Capitol Relocation hired 93,000 temporary workers to assist in the engineering anomaly.   Of those workers,  20,000 were from firms in Illinois, 50,000 from China, another 20,000 from Minnesota, and about 2,997 from Canada.  Only three jobs were created for workers from Wisconsin. 

March 13, 2011

Fred Durst Celebrates Ten-Year Anniversary of "My Way" Alone At The Barbershop

Barber:  "He's Basically Doing Nothing These Days"

JACKSONVILLE, FL - (The Comedy News) - The former front man to nu-metal band Limp Bizkit was finally located this week as he celebrated the ten-year anniversary of one his most eclectic songs.

Fred Durst was found this week celebrating the tenth year since the release of the song "My Way" (video) at Ritchie's Barbershop in Jacksonville, Florida.  A quick glance confirms what most assume about Durst's recent whereabouts:  he's doing basically nothing, and wearing a backwards red hat.

"He comes into the shop each day this week and asks for the Mike 'The Situation' cut," explained barber Ritchie Roberts.  "Since March 6th, he routinely walks in, physically removes a customer who's in the chair, and then takes a seat.   He'll ask for the Situation cut, yet never removes the dumb red hat.  Just sits there and mumbles to himself, 'check-check, check-check, check out ma melody.'   It's really irritating."

Ten years ago this week, "My Way" by Limp Bizkit was the #1 rock song on the billboards.  These days, it gets no playtime.  Capitol Hill insiders hint that "My Way" is so irreputable that the House of Representatives might pass a unanimous resolution to commemorate the song's cultural value to society.  Bloggers speculate that the song helped motivate President George W. Bush through some of his toughest decisions in 2001. 

Flash forward to 2011, and Durst is only a nuisance to the few that he approaches.  Unfortunately for Ritchie Roberts and his barbershop staff, they happen to be some of those unlucky few.  

"He doesn't even pay.  Just walks outta the shop mumbling, 'keep on rollin, rollin, rollin'", lamented the barber.  "Next time, I'm gonna do society a favor and shave "Huge douche" on his head.  Durst probably won't even notice". 

March 10, 2011

Bomb-Sniffing Dog Indicted For Corruption Scandal

German Shepherd Caused Dozens of Wrongful Arrests In Food-Stealing Scheme

CHICAGO, IL – (The Comedy News) – A Chicago Police Department bomb-sniffing dog  will stand trial this week for intentionally accusing innocent commuters of carrying malicious explosives.  

Kermit, the 3-year-old German Shepherd originally from Oak Park, is being accused of alerting authorities of suspicious bags containing explosives, when in reality, all Kermit had been looking for was food. 

“We have reason to believe that the defendant, the K-9 Kermit, barked ferociously, jumped and nipped at the bags of innocent people walking on the sidewalks of Chicago under the guise that there were harmful explosives inside,” said District Attorney Jerry Camper.   “The record will show that not only did the arrested individuals have nothing harmful in their bags, but any food items they had were devoured by Officer Kermit.”

The scandal broke when a complaint was filed with the head of the K-9 Unit by one of Kermit  deputies, Haley, a 2-year old border collie.   Haley did not explicitly say any wrongdoing by Kermit, but definitely brought attention to Kermit’s enthusiasm when nothing was found in suspicious bags except for food—typically cookies, bread, and dishes with chicken or beef.  

As Kermit became more and more aggressive with the K-9 officers when the bags (with no explosives) were being handed back to the commuters, Haley would whimper and cry.   Her sulking eventually paid off with Kermit being indicted in a Chicago court---after 17 wrongful arrests. 

The maximum sentence that Kermit faces is seven nights in the kennel crate, belly-rub probation for one month, and mandatory court-ordered counseling services facilitated by dogwhisperer Cesar Millan.  

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March 7, 2011

Packers Update: AJ Hawk Gets Greedy In New Contract

GREEN BAY, WI - (The Comedy News) - Green Bay Packers inside linebacker, AJ Hawk, was re-signed to a four-year deal with the reigning Super Bowl Champions. 

In addition to the $6-7 million he will make each year, there are several things Hawk required to be guaranteed in his contract before he would commit:

A Shamwow, Magic Bullet, SlapChop, and George Foreman grill
 ◊ The pacecar for the 2011 Indianapolis 500.
$5000-per-month stipend to shop at Target.
Jim Carrey's car in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.
Above-ground pool for his childhood mobile home in Ohio.
The Isle of Man.
Squeeze bottle of Famous Dave's barbecue sauce.
Night on the town with Brady Quinn's sister.
Brett Favre's old number.
Monthly appointments to go mallard hunting with former Vice-President Dick Cheney.

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