By Seth Lazear
- Prima Nocta for Jeff Bezos.
- The homeless population must be used as shoes for the marketing department.
- The city must have Berry Berry Kix cereal.
- City residents must speak with a Dickensian accent.
- The local sports franchise must forgo the National Anthem and replace it with a curated playlist from Amazon Music.
- City must demolish local music venues for luxury dog parks.
- Mandatory Crossfit Wednesdays from 5:00 AM - 8:00 AM.
- Bike lane roadkill removal.
- 50% of the city residents not to watch.
- Westworld so not to spoil it for the other 50%.
- An exclusion from on-site injury work-mans compensation laws.
- Closure of all gay bars, but the city to provide gay friendly atmosphere.
- Children strictly forbidden.
- Ignore what’s going on in building 4.
- Issue identity cards and a gold star armband for citizens making less than $50,000 yearly.
- Subsidies for billboards threatening local Mom & Pop shops.
- An income tax and property tax waiver in effect until 2024 or Armageddon, whichever comes first.
