June 28, 2012

Chief Justice John Roberts Finally Repays Obama for Screwing up The Oath at Inauguration

WASHINGTON, DC - (@TheComedyNews) - In today's landmark 5-4 decision upholding the Health Care Reform Bill, Chief Justice John Roberts has acknowledged that he has finally repaid President Obama for flubbing the oath of office on January 20, 2009.

"Barack has called me every night since inauguration day," said a relieved Chief Justice Roberts.  In a high-pitched mocking voice, Roberts quoted the President's harassment: "'Hey John, repeat after me... faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States.  Say it!  You overpaid pension pirate!'  You hear that?  The President called me a pension pirate."

At inauguration in 2009, Chief Justice John Roberts, while administering the constitutionally-required oath of of the Presidency, mixed up several words.  Out of caution, the President and the Chief Justice re-administered the oath at the White House a few days later.

Still, the President never forgot the Chief Justice's mishap.

"I have been looking for ways to make peace with the President," Chief Justice Roberts said.   "After all, I really f'd up. I work like three months a year---behind closed doors---with a bunch of bookish curmudgeons.  But somehow, I managed to mess up the one thing I have to do on international live television.  So to make it up to President Obama, I voted to uphold his Health Care Reform Bill.  By doing this, not only will Barack be happy with me for the first time, but it will also give me another shot at administering that tongue-twister of an oath to Obama on January 20, 2013."

June 12, 2012

National Archives Condemned and Evicted for Excessive Hoarding

WASHINGTON, DC - (FACEBOOK:  The Comedy News) - Health inspectors have condemned and evicted the National Archives Building in Washington, DC due to excessive hoarding.

"When we walked in the Archives building, it smelled like mothballs and gymsocks," said DC Health Inspector Daniel Tanner.  "Everywhere you look, there were black and white photographs of Civil War-era debutantes, to-do lists dating back to 1776---and an irrationally elaborate security system to keep anyone from stealing this old, stinky, faded junk---it was sad and with all due respect, pathetic, to see such rampant hoarding."

A team of health inspectors in haz-mat suits reported that over 4.5 million documents, microfilms, and photographs were being hoarded in the 76-year-old building. 

"Ever wonder what happens when the Congress passes a bill?" Questioned Health Inspector Tanner. "Those piles of paper come to this building to just sit, collect dust, and rot.  Although not very many Acts of Congress have been added to the pile of hoarded paper in the last 10 or so years, the Archives staff seem be delusional enough to think that people actually have a use for all this Government junk ---all saved up in this here building."

A 30-by-30-foot orange banner was hanged from the Corinthian pillars at the Constitution Avenue entrance of the National Archives.  It reads, "Eviction Notice---Warning Some of the Rotting Contents within These Premises Are Almost 800 Years Old.  Do Not Enter."

According to the deranged curator of the condemned Archives building, somewhere in the pile of hoarded Government documents is a very significant document about a conspiracy to assassinate President John F. Kennedy which he refused to show anyone until the year 2017.

June 5, 2012

Wisconsin Accidentally Re-elects Koch Brothers as Governor

Wisconsin voters: "Aw Shit!  Not Again!"

Cows, Fonzie, and the Green Bay Packers sulk after their accidental reelection of the Koch Brothers as Governor.

WAUKESHA, WI - (@The Comedy News) - After an arduous year and a half of coming up with innovative ways to manipulate facts and lie with straight faces, the Koch brothers have been re-elected as Governor of the state of Wisconsin.  Karl Rove, a former adviser to George W. Bush, was re-elected as Lieutenant Governor. 

Although they never have lived in Wisconsin and have admitted several times on record that they hate the Green Bay Packers, the Koch Brothers, David and Charles, defied months of protests and were re-elected in a vicious recall election. 

"We made sure the voters were good and confused---just enough---to re-elect us as Governor of the manipulative state of Wisconsin," said one of the Koch brothers---who are indecipherable when sitting next to each other.  "We, along with our portly Lieutenant Governor, Karl Rove, did unspeakable things just to make sure we can continue to take a big red white and blue shit all over Wisconsin peoples' precious "civil" rights, education, and wages.  Gee whiz, we're awesome."

Wisconsin citizens are aghast with themselves since realizing that they re-elected a pair of red-faced sociopath out-of-state oil tycoons to run their state government---again.  

"Aw shit! Not again!"  Lamented students at Memorial Union at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, after cable news networks called the election in favor of the Koch Brothers after 2% of the precincts reported.  

One Wisconsin voter, who claims he was only doing what he was told to do, explained to reporters how he became so confused that he accidentally helped re-elect the Koch brothers as Governor. 

"I received a phone call this morning telling me that if I voted for Donald Driver last week on Dancing With the Stars that my vote to recall the Koch brothers has been counted, and I don't have to vote today," explained Bart McKowski, 64, of Waukesha.  "But uh, now that you tell me that that ain't true, well, I guess that...aw shit, not again!"

Several regretful Wisconsin voters realized on election day that they should have nominated Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers for Governor.

"Rodgers would have been a fantastic candidate to run against the Koch brothers for governor," said Mona Taliesin of Spring Green.  "He went to Berkeley, so he's definitely progressive.  And his buddy Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers would have been perfect for Lieutenant Governor.  He would have definitely locked up the herpes vote---that's 25% of voters right there."

The re-elected Lieutenant Governor of Wisconsin, Karl Rove, had a simple explanation for the re-election of himself and the Koch brothers.

"First, we get all the conservative business criminals to donate a couple million bucks to our campaign," explained Rove as he drank a celebratory Budweiser.  "Then, we hire some hollow suit to make a bunch of speeches about the state budget woes, the toothfairy, and how a college grade point average somewhere between 1 and 2 can't stop you from pissing-off millions of hard working tax payers.  Then you convince that dipshit that he's the reincarnate of Ronald Reagan.  And right when the voters start to question your plan, you blame all the problems on the public school teachers."

The Koch brothers' first plan as re-elected governor of Wisconsin is to create a new timezone.  "Wisconsin standard time", as the new timezone will be called, will reset all of Wisconsin's clocks to the year 1955.