October 31, 2011

Entire Internet Crashes from Marathon Runners' Status Updates

Social Media Outlets Plea to Athletes:  "Please Be More Modest, or Risk Losing Your Internet"

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - Following the running of the Marine Corps Marathon on Sunday, the entire internet briefly crashed due to the millions of overtly boastful status updates by proud marathon runners.

"20th PLACE IN THE MARATHON BITCHES!  Don't you wish your body was FAST LIKE ME? 2:24:02---not even my best time.  CU in Boston!" Updated one very proud Marathon finisher.

The 20,000-plus runners in the Marine Corps Marathon this year produced and estimated 10 million statuses, emails, and Tweets boasting about their athletic prowess---an average of 500 per runner.  As the marathon went on throughout the morning, social Media outlets reported unprecedented overloading of their systems due to the massive influx of bragging and put-downs.

But runners are not alone in overloading the internet with their obnoxious bragging.  Football players, golfers, fencers, swimmers, and the asshole down the street who just wanted to remind you that he lost his ninth pound and ate organic goat balls for dinner are all contributors to polluting the internet with excessive zeal. 

"Kiss my ass, internet!  I don't care how slow you get, I will remind you every goddamn day just how often I go to spinning class," Abby Kauffman of West Chester, New York Tweeted after reports of the internet crashing due to widespread self-aggrandizement.

Engineers at Facebook, Google, and Twitter are all working to devise algorithms to limit athletic accomplishment boasting to a maximum of 12 statuses or Tweets per year--an average of only one per month. All three social media giants have adopted a new banner at the top of their webpages, "Please Be More Modest, or Risk Losing Your Internet".

A similar algorithm has been considered to curb the excess of status updates about vacations that seem to cause the internet to crash around the time of spring break and winter holidays.  However, the social media outlets have backed down from these talks due to pressure from the National Association of Burglers, as well as the Foundation for Frat Boys and Sorority Girls United Against Being Pleasant. 

October 28, 2011

Statue of Liberty Celebrates 112th Anniversary of her Bat Mitzvah

Lady Liberty at her Bat Mitzvah

NEW YORK HARBOR - (@The Comedy News) - Today, the Statue of Liberty will celebrate the 112th anniversary of her Bat Mitzvah.

On Saturday, October 28, 1899, the Statue of Liberty turned 13 years old.  On that day, she read from the Torah as a Jewish rite of passage in front of her family and close friends. 

In attendance at Lady Liberty's Bat Mitzvah was The Great Sphinx traveling from Egypt, Christ the Redeemer from Brazil, Moai from Easter Island, and the entire population of New York City, which around 1900 was 3,437,202 people.    Her first dance at her party after the ceremony was with Michelangelo's David, who dressed in only a kippah. 

Netflix Shifts Marketing Campaign to Families that Always Fight

Netflix will be marketing to families that fight a lot

LOS GATOS, CALIF - (@The Comedy News) - Movie rental giant Netflix will be changing up their marketing campaign to target their services of streaming movies and mailing DVDs to families that always fight.

"The divorce rate in the United States is currently at 50%.  That's a huge demographic that Netflix can cater to," announced Netflix CEO Reed Hastings.  "Netflix can be that avenue of solace for families that are always fighting."

In the past, Netflix's marketing campaigns have included cliché photographs of healthy, happy, mother-father families with swell children.  Marketing executives for Netflix have realized that those photographs could alienate the potential customers that are used to fighting at home.  

Netflix's old marketing campaign.
As a promotion for the new marketing campaign, Netflix will be offering free rentals of Mrs. Doubtfire, Kramer vs. Kramer, and any Steven Spielberg movie where there is a subplot of father-figure tension to customers who provide proof of divorce or domestic disturbance history. 

October 26, 2011

Waldo Found; Detained at Guantanamo Bay Prison

Reclusive World Traveler Has Been Wanted for Photo-Bombing on Seven Contintents

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA - (@The Comedy News) - The elusive world-traveler and suspected terrorist known only to the public as "Waldo" has been caught, and is currently being held without trial at Guantanamo Bay detention camp in Cuba. 

"I can confirm that Waldo is joining other suspected terrorists at Gitmo Bay prison," according to a cell block guard, speaking on the condition of anonymity.  "Waldo was apprehended in a covert operation earlier this month while attempting to photo-bomb a Swedish newlywed couple at the Great Wall of China."  

Waldo has been a prime-suspect in photo-bombing on every continent in the world dating back to 1987.  He frequently went to crowded events, and openly sought to photo-bomb other gatherers. 

He had been described as 6'4", thin, left handed, and walks with a cane.  Facebook friends of Waldo noted that while on the run, Waldo was likely to be connected to a dialysis as well. 

Other prisoners at Guantanamo Bay prison have reported seeing guards tormenting Waldo.  There have been reports that guards have abused Waldo's prized travel journal including flushing pages of his journal down the toilet, defacing his journal, writing comments and remarks on his journal, tearing pages out of his journal, and denying Waldo possession of his journal altogether.

Human rights groups around the world are getting ready to hold protests in support of getting Waldo a fair trial. 

Waldo has requested that his legal counsel include Academy Award-winning actor Joe Pesci.

October 25, 2011

Bobby Knight Screams out his Birthday Candles Again

BLOOMINGTON, IND. - (@The Comedy News) - Former college basketball coach Bobby Knight turned 71 years old today, and carried out his annual tradition of screaming out his birthday candles.  

"C'mon you chicken shit candles!  Blow out, you don't have the guts!"  Screamed the three-time national champion, nicknamed "The General".  "Fizzle you sons of bitches!  Yeah that's right, no more flame for you."  

Coach Knight then proceeded to devour his cake, made mostly of of Oreos and frosting.  

When asked about what he plans on doing to celebrate his latest birthday, Knight became agitated at reporters, screaming, "all of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things.”

October 24, 2011

USA To Try Purple Finger Thing for Next Elections

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - (@TheComedyNews) - In an effort to stifle double-voting, the Federal Election Commission will be requiring all voters to dip their index fingers in purple indelible ink for the 2012 election.

"It is time the United States takes a stand against double voters," announced an FEC official.  "The purple finger thing has worked in Iraqi elections, and rather be a bunch of hypocrites, the United States should do the purple finger thing too."

Political scientists have lauded the purple finger thing for its ability to keep voters from voting more than once.  They have also said the purple finger thing is a great way of hazing apathetic Americans into voting---since their lack of a purple-dipped index finger will indicate that they didn't vote and thus hate freedom.

Disability advocates have been irked by the announcement of the purple finger thing for elections in the United States, claiming that it discriminates against people who may be missing fingers.

Pres. Bush showing the purple finger
One compassionate Republican lawmaker has devised a solution for disabled voters.   "Now, see, I am a Doctor, mmkay?"  The snarly Oklahoma Republican Senator said.   "The purple ink thing will work for all Americans, including the disabled.  In the event that a disabled voter lacks digits on their hands to mark that they voted, they will be require to dip their noses in the ink."

College students are already plotting to prank each other in the wake of the purple finger thing coming to the United States.  In politically-divided frat houses, many frat boys are planning to paint purple the fingers of passed-out drunk partiers in hopes of coning them out of their ability to cast a vote. 

October 19, 2011

Herman Cain: "Pizza is Defined As a Sacred Bond Between Sauce and Cheese"

OMAHA, NE - (@TheComedyNews) - Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain announced today that if he is elected President in 2012, he will push through Congress a law that defines pizza as a sacred bond between sauce and cheese. 

Cain is currently a contender for the Republican nomination for President in 2012.  He has earned a living as chief executive officer of the Godfather's Pizza chain. 

"The long-standing debate over whether a "pizza" lacking both cheese and tomato sauce should be recognized as a pizza will be settled in this country," announced Cain at a press pizza party in Omaha.  "If elected President, expect me to enact the Defense of Pizza Act within 100 days."

The Defense of Pizza Act or "DOPA" will prevent the federal government from recognizing the validity of a pizza with anything more than traditional ingredients and toppings. 

Some Americans in the heartland are championing the proposed Defense of Pizza Act. 

"Those darn pizzas that don't have any sauce or cheese, they ain't no pizza.  In fact, they're gay pizza," asserted Roger Barbero, owner of Roger's Pizza in Sandusky, Ohio.  "I hate it when these new age nasty heathen, no-family-values people ask me to make one of those gay pizzas, with their vegetables, and pineapples, shitake mushrooms, and macaroni.  Just makes me sick that anyone would even consider this to be a real pizza." 

Cain's proposed Defense of Pizza Act would amend the U.S. Code to make explicit what, according to conservatives, has been understood under federal law for over 200 years--- that pizza is the legal union of a cheese and tomato sauce with traditional toppings such as sausage and pepperoni.  DOPA explicitly says that any other toppings or pizza design would be considered under the DOPA law to be "opposite-lifestyle toppings" which inhibit the moral fabric of traditional dining in America.  

"All I am saying is give pizza a chance!"  Defended Cain.  " If we don't pass DOPA, I can just imagine there’s no pizza in its most traditional form in the uncertain future of this beautiful country."

Some Republican insiders are hinting at an attempt to amend the Constitution to clarify what a traditional Pizza is.  

Critics of the potentially unconstitutional proposal, such as the Pizza Rights Campaign, have found Cain's proposal to be offensive, unprecedented and discriminatory to diners of non-traditional pizza toppings---Pineapple, Red Onion, and Macaroni--- commonly known as "PROM" toppings.  Cain's law will also put an end to pizza bagels, deep dish Chicago-style pizza, and matzah pizza. 

October 14, 2011

University of Wisconsin's Suggestions for Alternative Non-Vulgar Crowd Chants

MADISON, WI - (@TheComedyNews) - Following the University of Wisconsin-Madison athletic department's condemnation of a variety of racy, vulgar chants at sporting events, a committee of politically-correct derelicts has suggested the following replacement chants to make Wisconsin crowds appear friendlier: 

"Eat Shit!  Fuck You!"  will be replaced with "Eat Chips!  Fondue!"

"You fucked up!" will be replaced with "Very nice try".

"Shoot 'em like a horse!" will be replaced with  "We hope he's alright".  

"O Sucks" will be replaced with "O is not our friend." 

"I'm an asshole I'm an asshole I'm an asshole, yes I know.  But I'd rather be an asshole than sit in section O" has been replaced with, "I'm a spectator, I'm a spectator, I'm a spectator, yes I am.  But I'd rather be a spectator than an angry little clam." 

"Bullshit" will be replaced with "I do not agree."

"Pull your sieve" will be replaced with "Your Hockey team sucks."

"The ref beats his wife" will be replaced with "The Ref's personal life is irrelevant to this game."

The raucous songs played over the loudspeakers will also be replaced with more conservative tunes

"Jump Around" will be replaced with "Achy Breaky Heart".
[Jumping will also be replaced with line-dancing]

"Varsity" will be replaced with "Proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free"
[Swaying and promiscuously embracing of arms and shoulders will be STRICTLY forbidden from now on.] 

"Build Me Up Buttercup" will be replaced with "Take Me Out To The Ballgame"

"Tequila" will be replaced by the singing of the little-known second verse of the "Star Spangled Banner"

"You've said it all" will be replaced with, An instrumental of Beethoven's "Für Elise". 

"On Wisconsin" will be replaced with "Hail to the Victors"

"If you wanna be a Badger..." will be replaced with "You can be a Badger, as long as you can pay unsubsidized tuition."

October 10, 2011

COLUMBUS DAY: Columbus' PR Firm Still Staying on Message After 519 Years

PALOS DE LA FRONTERA, SPAIN - (@The Comedy News) -  Columbus Day is being celebrated  all over the western hemisphere today.  But a little-known story about the famed explorer, Christopher Columbus, is that he had the world's first public relations firm.

New World Pillaging and Strategies LLC.,  founded in the fall of 1492 to manage all of the communications and public relations outreach for Columbus, continues to advise the explorer's top advocates on keeping the purported legacy alive.

"Our public relations firm is the oldest in the history of the world, and employs some of the best public relations experts the world has ever known," stated Karl Koch, a public relations executive who's family has handled the Columbus account for almost 45 generations. 

New World Pillaging and Strategies has relied on a flow chart for how to stay on a positive message when it comes to Christopher Columbus's accomplishments [CLICK IMAGE ABOVE].  The contents of the flow chart have been widely distributed, and are consistently used by Columbus' biggest advocates, many of whom lack the ability to think critically and have the propensity to just roll over when told to.

According to the flow chart, many of the morbid, grizzly tales involving Columbus' expeditions---tales that New World Pillaging and Strategies have called "heretic lies and freedom-hating hell-dwelling", are refuted by the same core concepts:  Columbus was the world's first explorer, if it weren't for Columbus, America wouldn't be covered in freedom, and the most famous of them all, in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue

New World Pillaging and Strategies has been the leading public relations firm for a number of prominent farcical figures and events throughout history.  Some of those include the denial of the Holocaust in the 1940s,  The Tuskegee Experiments, and a partnership with the International Society for Waterboarding & Torture in Hopes of Getting War Secrets. 

October 9, 2011

Milwaukee Brewers Add Closing Pitcher from California Penal League to Roster

Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn Called Up To Majors, Expects to Be "Winning"

MILWAUKEE, WI - (@TheComedyNews) - To further their chances of winning their first World Series championship, the Milwaukee Brewers have brought a 46-year-old fastball ace to their active roster. 

Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn, record-holder for fastest pitch ever thrown in Major League Baseball-- 116 miles per hour, joins the Brewers as they close in on their first World Series berth since 1982. 

"We are confident that Wild Thing has still got what it takes to win games in the 9th inning," said Manager Ron Roenicke.

Concerns have mounted about Vaughn's ailing astigmatism.  He has gone through at least twelve grades of thicknesses with his glasses over the past year, according to one of his female escorts.

In addition to appearing in the MLB post-season twice, Vaughn has also been a member of the California Penal League baseball organization twice.  The first stint in the clink was in 1988 for grand theft auto.  Vaughn's most recent season in the famed prison baseball league was due to cocaine possession, prostitution solicitation, and attempted torture on television charges.  

Many baseball fans in Milwaukee remember Vaughn for his rousing hard rock entrance song, "Wild Thing", late in close games.  Although he hasn't played an inning of baseball since losing the World Series with the Cleveland Indians in 1994, Vaughn sounds like he's up for the challenge.

“Winning, anyone?" Sneered Vaughn, while sawing a shotgun in the Brewers clubhouse.  "Rhymes with winning.  Anyone? Yeah, that would be us.  Sorry, man, didn’t make the rules. Oops!”

'Winning' in the true sense, and whatever coked-out sense Vaughn was blabbering about when interviewed for this story, is a certainty for the Brewers now that they have such a motivated comeback-kid on their roster.

October 8, 2011

EXCLUSIVE: God's Bathroom/Cigarette Break Schedule - The Best Times to Sneak Food on Yom Kippur

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL - (@TheComedyNews) - An unnamed Israeli news source is reporting that a leaked internal schedule for the Lord our God, Adonai has been found and made public.

"God's daily schedule was found this morning in a discarded manilla folder on Ben Yehuda Street," revealed the unnamed source.  "It appears that Adonai's day includes several five to 20-minute breaks when He is not watching over the conduct humanity at all."

Some members of the Jewish faith look forward to exploiting some of God's intermittent downtime during the Holiday of Yom Kippur--- the most sacred day of year in Judaism.  On this day, Jews around the world refrain from eating from sundown to sundown to atone for their sins in the previous year.

"I'm totally going out to McDonalds to get a kosher Big Mac at about 1:20 PM today," rejoiced Sherri Adelsberg, a Chicago-native that recently made aliyah to Israel.  At around the time Adelsberg sneaks her food when she should be fasting, God is scheduled to take a cigarette break from 1:15 PM until 1:30 PM.

God's internal schedule that was leaked is translated below.  Downtime highlighted in Yellow:

04:55 AM - Bokaer Tov

05:00 - 05:30 AM - Walk the Kelev

05:30 - 06:30 AM - Watch over thy people

06:30 AM - Make the Sun Rise

07:30 - 09:00 AM  - Damning Traffic in New York, Philadelphia, Boston, Washington, DC

09:01 AM - Bathroom break

09:02 - 11:00 AM -  Preside over Yom Kippur Services

11:00 - 11:15 AM - Hookah break / Bathroom

11:15- 13:00 PM - Preside over Yom Kippur Services

13:00 - 13:15 PM - Conference call with Buddah, Zeus, Jesus, Richard Dawkins (Passcode: 666-69)

13:15 - 13:30 PM - Cigarette Break

13:30 - 15:30 PM - Watch over thy people

15:31 PM - Bathroom break

15:32 - 15:35 PM -  Monitor 4th Quarter of College American Football (Note:  Notre Dame on NBC)

15:35 - 17:00 PM - Preside over Yom Kippur Services

17:00 - 17:15 PM - Pain/anguish-infliction lottery

17:15 - 18:00 PM - Make Kugel for Abraham's Break-Fast gathering

18:20  PM - Force the Sun to go down

18:21- 18:23 PM - Brace for Yom Kippur prayer-overload and brief remarks

18:24 - 20:00 PM -Abraham's Break-Fast gathering

20:00 - 20:45 PM - Take the Almighty Train back home.

20:45 - 21:00 PM - Take Kelev for a walk, cigarette

21:00 - 21:45 PM - Watch Jon Stewart on DVR

21:45 PM - 22:00 PM- Bathroom for the S's (Shit, shower shave, sing Sting songs, salute self, sanitize sink, stare silently at self, swap stuff with Satan on sInternet) 

22:00 PM - Lailah tov

October 7, 2011

Ryan Braun Needs a Ride to Synagogue for Yom Kippur After Playoff Game

Braun:  "Can I Bum a Ride to Shul, Anybody?"

MILWAUKEE, WI - (@TheComedyNews) - Milwaukee Brewers left-fielder Ryan Braun has more than just game 5 of the National League Divisional Series to attend tonight. 

Immediately following the game, Braun intends to go to Yom Kippur services at a local Milwaukee synagogue.  However, the All-Star currently has no ride to get from Miller Park to a Temple to repent his sins. 

"Can I bum a ride to shul, anybody?"  Called out Braun to tailgaters in the Miller Park parking lot this afternoon.  "Win or lose, I really need someone to drive me to a synagogue!  I really need to repent for my sins!"

The 27-year-old Braun, nicknamed "The Hebrew Hammer" for being both Jewish and one of the top sluggers in baseball, has been in a similar conundrum before.  "This is just like the time my Hebrew school carpool left without me when I was 12," lamented Braun.  "I was so scared.  And my Mom freaked out and called the police.  I didn't get home until almost 9:30 PM that night."

Already wearing his suit and clutching a 'Gates of Prayer' book in hand, Braun seemed quite desperate to find a ride.  

Braun explained that, in accordance with Jewish Law, he would not drive a car to get to a synagogue for Yom Kippur services.  He fears now that if the Brewers lose their playoff game, no limo driver, taxi driver, friend, or parent in Milwaukee will be happy enough to take the time to drive him to services.  And if the Brewers win, everyone in Milwaukee will be too drunk and slap-happy to get behind the wheel. 

October 6, 2011

Ben Franklin Befriends Steve Jobs in Heaven; "Mighty Impressed" By iPhone

KINGDOM OF WEST HEAVEN - (@TheComedyNews) - Only a day after entering the afterlife, Steve Jobs has been befriended by another well accomplished, yet dearly departed innovator---Benjamin Franklin.

"This i-Phone device is wondrous!" Franklin exclaimed to his new buddy, Steve Jobs.  "I must say I am thoroughly impressed.  Now I must inquire, can I use this [long pause] i-Phone to find lovely lasses to come hither following nightly gatherings at Mozart's domicile?" 

Jobs was quick to address the inventor's question.  "Benji, the iPhone is great for contacting all of your friends, loved ones, and mistresses, if you do so choose." 

Several of heaven's greatest inventors, scientists, and artists lined up one by one to catch a glimpse of Heaven's newest resident and perhaps the most influential individual of the computer age.  Some eternal blogs have has reported sightings of Leonardo DaVinci, Albert Einstein, Johannes Gutenberg, and Aristotle.  After learning of Jobs' arrival in the afterlife, many of the figures quickly lined up at the eternal warehouse to get their hands on an iPhone.

Issac Newton was spotted repeatedly dropping his newly-acquired Apple iPhone under a tree, and attempting to make a big deal out of it.  Everyone else just thought Newton was being a crazy heretic again. 

Later in the day, Jobs was seen playing hacky sack with jam rocker, Jerry Garcia.  The two reportedly talked about activism-networking using a series of Applications on the iPhone.  

There were also rumors of a special keynote event hosted by Jobs in the coming weeks.

"My new pal Benjamin Franklin and I have a special announcement," Jobs announced over the Heaven soundsystem.  "Benji and have partnered up and will be showcasing a series of Apps that will help all of us in the Kingdom of Heaven on our daily activities."

On their morning radio show, Michelangelo and  Freddie Mercury speculated that one of the apps is called iHaunt---an application that assists the living-impaired with sending cryptic, spooky messages to the living.  Another app is called StudyPartner---an app that assists Heaven residents with keeping track of their living-loved ones' school work so they can better answer their prayers for better grades.  

October 4, 2011

Fat Guy Tells Concerned Nation He Won't Start Running Anytime in the Future

TRENTON, NJ - (@TheComedyNews)) - A fat guy in New Jersey announced to a nation of concerned citizens that he will not be running any time soon.

"This is typical behavior by the overweight and out of shape," a concerned jobless mother of 9 lamented.  "We didn't know his name, but he looked mighty snug and sweaty in his suit.  He could have been a true inspiration to our concerned, fat nation."

The fat guy from New Jersey spoke to a crowd of reporters who had braced themselves for what they were certain would have been the first sight of the fat guy running.  

"We understand that it's trite, overdone, and not anyone's business to tell a fat guy that he should be running," prefaced one reporter.  He continued, "...still, all the experts agree, you should definitely run."

Immediately following his announcement not to run, the fat guy from New Jersey pulled out a turkey leg from his breast pocket, took a big bite, and shouted, "viva Jersey!"