August 24, 2011

Fox "News" Fined for Improper Overuse of Adverbs

FCC Upset Over Fox News' Improper Overuse of 'Allegedly', 'Reportedly', 'Supposedly'

NEW YORK, NY - (@TheComedyNews) -The Federal Communications Commission has fined the Fox "News" Channel for improper overuse of adverbs in their "news" story headlines.

"It has come to our attention that Fox "News" has been conjecturing content and topics for its TV shows and online publications," announced an FCC spokesman.  "In short, we are fining Fox "News" $54 billion for just making junk "news" up and getting away with it by a cunning use of adverbs."

The FCC sanctions also require Fox to put quotation marks around the word 'News" in both their logo and any official mentioning of Fox "News" in its content.  This is meant to distinguish Fox's product from all of the less polluted news sources.

The dictionary defines adverbs as "a word or phrase that modifies or qualifies an adjective, verb, or other adverb or a phrase, expressing a relation of place, time, circumstance, manner, cause, degree, etc.". 

Common examples of adverbs in the English language end in "-ly". 

The sanctions against Fox "News" come a day after the network decided it would be nice and shocking to mislead the public about the East Coast Earthquake destruction with the headline, "Washington Monument Reportedly Tilting". 

Other false stories by Fox "News" made slightly truer through the cunning use of adverbs include the following headlines (adverbs in bold): 
-Macauley Culkin and Kieren Culkin Purportedly Signed-on To Star as Wet Bandits in 'Home Alone' Remake.

-Afghanistan Allegedly in Talks with Obama and Democrats to Become 51st State

-Study:  Thinking Reportedly Linked to Brain Cancer, AIDS
-God Supposedly Considering Hiring Ronald Reagan to Judgement Board of Directors
The FCC also concluded that they would say that the American people are tired of hearing false, deceptive, crooked "news" proliferating the mainstream dialogue by Fox "News".  But after a few minutes of careful study, the FCC has concluded that the American people can hardly get enough of sensational, exaggerated, untrue slimy "news".