November 25, 2010

US News & World Report Releases Its Own Asinine College Football Poll

It is no surprise which teams are at the top of the new US News & World Report college football poll. The teams strewn throughout the top ten have their own arbitrary and bias-laden reasons to consider themselves the perennial contenders for the National Championship in college football:

1) Princeton Tigers - The top ranking football team for 141 straight seasons due to generously offering to host the first college football game ever.

2) Cal Tech Beavers - Drawing up plans for renovations to the Rose Bowl Stadium will keep the Beavers in top contention as long as the USC engineering department doesn't get the final contract.

3) Michigan Wolverines - The maize and blue are is consistently the only Midwestern college football team that the east coast will acknowledge.

4) Harvard Crimson - Now what would be a US News & World Report list without Harvard in the top 5?

5) Pennsylvania Quakers - The Quakers gridiron gang gets really fired up when you confuse them with Penn State.

6) Oxford Dark Blue - The top rugby club in all of Europe can definitely make a run at the National Championship if they can withstand the weekly jetlag and learn distance in "yards".

7) Iowa State Cyclones - Just kidding.

7) California Golden Bears - The team is like, so chill, man.

8) Yeshiva Maccabees - They are the only college football team to be undefeated on Saturdays. The coaching staff encrypt their playbook by writing right-to-left.

9) Notre Dame Fighting Irish - Does Harvard have an NBC contract? Does Conan O'Brien have an NBC contract? Notre Dame has an NBC contract.

10) Ole Miss Rebels - Between William Faulkner's Nobel Prize-winning literature and Michael Oher's story taking place here in The Blind Side, the Rebels are a academic-football-tearjerker powerhouse.

Never Receiving Votes:
Boise State Broncos, TCU Horned Frogs, Ohio State Buckeyes, Alabama Crimson Tide, Auburn Tigers, LSU Tigers, Clemson Tigers, Appalachian State Mountaineers, Vanderbilt Commodores, Utah Utes, New York University Violets, Southern California Trojans, Columbia Lions, Cornell Big Red, Hawaii Warriors, Alaska Nanooks.

-By High Neesniffer

November 23, 2010

Sexual Assault On Bus Leads to William Madison's Expulsion

Hotel Heir Assaults Third-Grade Teacher On Bus
KNIBB, CA - (DoghouseDaily) - A third grader at Knibb Elementary School, William Madison, was arrested for sexually assaulting his teacher, Miss Veronica Vaughn, during a class field trip. While on a bus en route to Amish Acres Ranch and Stable, Billy (as his friends call him) reportedly walked up to Miss Vaughn on the bus to ask her a question. At that point, Billy feigned falling down and grabbed his teacher's breasts. Some students heard Billy audibly chastising the bus driver's driving, perhaps in an effort to mask his assault as a careless loss of balance.

Miss Vaughn reported the incident to the Knibb Elementary School principal Mr. Max Anderson. Principal Anderson, a former professional wrestler, turned the incident over to local law enforcement. He noted that Billy defended his assault of his teacher by saying that he was "double dared by a friend".

Billy is not new to the public spotlight. As the son of the Madison Hotels' chairman, Brian Madison, Billy is not likely to get any special treatment for the first time in his spoiled life. He will be charged with first-degree assault, will fail the third-grade, never "officially" graduate from school, and his father will be cutting him out of the Madison Hotels trust fund.

Billy has been rumored to be showing interest in becoming a football waterboy at a junior college in Louisiana.

November 19, 2010

NFL To Eliminate Hard Rock Music From Stadiums

Hard Rock Music Is The Cause Of Violent Helmet-to-Helmet Hits

BALTIMORE, MD - (The Comedy News) - Researchers have concluded that the reason there have been many more violent helmet-to-helmet hits recently in the National Football League is because of the increasing amounts of hard rock music at stadiums.

"There is no question that hard rock and thrash metal music makes people really really energetic, pumped up, and fiercely aggressive. Since the wave of new football stadiums equipped with state-of-the-art sound systems have embraced heavy rock music, the number of violent and potentially life-threatening tackles has increased," an NFL official explained. "Once hard rock music stops blaring throughout NFL stadiums, the players will calm down and play the game safely."

The NFL is instructing all thirty-two NFL stadiums to hold "CD burnings" in their parking lots.

In Philadelphia, a 19-foot pile of CDs has already accumulated in the Lincoln Financial Field parking lot and 25,000 tickets have been sold for Saturday night's burning session. Many of the common tracks that will no longer be heard at the stadiums include Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train", Kid Rock's "Bawitaba", AC/DC's "Hells Bells", Metallica's "Fuel", P.O.D.'s "Here Comes The Boom", and Disturbed's "Down With the Sickness".

"At the first Super Bowl, the Packers won to the sounds of the University of Michigan's marching band. That was it," noted NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "All they needed for a little musical entertainment back then was a marching band. Then the 1990's unleashed a fury of angry smutty hard rock music. Then the dangerous helmet-to-helmet tackles started to multiply. So from now on, the hardest music that will be allowed in football stadiums will be Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger". Dun! Dun, dun dun!"

November 17, 2010

Study: Email Addresses Are Always Listed In Order of Importance

SAN JOSE, CA - (The Comedy News) - Researchers have concluded that when emails are sent to multiple recipients, the order in which names are listed in the "TO:" field corresponds to how important each recipient is to the sender. Listing email addresses from 'most important to least important' is the order of choice for 94% of email senders.

**Editor's note: email this article to some of your email contacts and see which recipients are most important to you. 

Prince William of Wales Looks Forward To Life With A Last Name

"My 28 Years of Five First Names and a Prepositional Phrase Are Finally Over"

LONDON, UK - (@TheComedyNews) - A day after officially announcing his engagement to longtime girlfriend, Kate Middleton, Prince William Arthur Philip Louis of Wales remarked that he is eagerly anticipating taking on a last name.

"Kate and I have been discussing my frustration with my grandiose name for quite some time now," said the groom-to-be, grinning and lightly tugging on Kate's pony tail. "We even found lost journals of past princes, kings, and other antiquated rulers of England who expressed profuse yet secret distaste for having a five-piece prepositional royal name. So to go along with our wedding, I will be dropping the 'Arthur Philip Louis of Wales' part, and will be replacing it with just 'Middleton'. Prince William Middleton. My 28 years of five first names and a prepositional phrase are finally over."

The father of the groom, Prince Charles had a more menacing suggestion in regards to his son's surname change.

"My eldest son has a last name, and it's Windsor. We Windsor's just prefer not to use our last name, and we're entitled to doing that, after all, we're royalty. But if Willy prefers mutiny, he should take out the 'Prince' from his name too," sneered Prince Charles. "'Cuz he sure-as-Shakespeare won't be welcome under the roof of my Windsor Castle with that...plebeian name---'Middleton'. Harrumph, I say."

Prince William also noted that the 'of Wales' part would have been too deceiving to the public --- particularly because he and Kate plan on moving to Los Angeles.

November 15, 2010

Wisconsin Basketball Team Scores First Touchdown In Indiana Blowout

Football Team Turns to Basketball Players For Backups

MADISON, WI - (DoghouseDaily) - As the Wisconsin Badgers football team led the Indiana Hoosiers 59-13 in the third quarter on Saturday, Coach Bret Bielema put players from the men's basketball team in to play out the rest of the game.

"We had exhausted our entire depth chart on the football squad. The third and fourth team guys were tired from scoring touchdown after touchdown all afternoon, so we had to get a little creative with our players," remarked Wisconsin football Coach Bret Bielema. "[Men's Basketball Coach] Bo Ryan's got some of the most versatile athletes ever on the Badgers' basketball team, they were all in the stadium, so I gave Bo the signal to suit-up the boys in helmets and pads."

Players from the men's basketball team were seen between the third and fourth quarters hustling to get into the football attire, obviously too small or too large for most of them. Senior forward, Jon Leuer took the snaps at quarterback, and looked quite comfortable in setting back to pass. Within only a few minutes, the six-foot ten-inch Leuer completed the first touchdown pass by a basketball player in NCAA history. Leuer's pass was caught by center J.P. Gavinski, who sprinted his six-foot eleven-inch tall body 64 yards for the touchdown as he towered over the crippled Indiana Hoosiers defensive backs.

Men's basketball coach Bo Ryan made his NCAA football coaching debut as offensive coordinator, when Paul Chryst handed him the playbook at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Coach Ryan, known for drawing up intricate last-second plays on the basketball court, was not new to calling plays on the football field---he was quarterback for the Chester High School Clippers football team in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.

"On my basketball team, my players are taught to be prepared for everything, even fifth-string football. I firmly believe that three-pointers and free-throws are not the only points a Wisconsin Badgers basketball player should be focused on. He should know how to throw a perfect spiral, spot the placekicker, and run for quick first downs. The big thing I beat into my players' heads is that in football, if you score, it's worth up to six points at a time. And in this economy, we need all the numbers we can get."

Most fans were oblivious to the personnel changes on the football field since the substitutions took place while the 80,000-plus fans in Camp Randall Stadium were dancing to House of Pain's "Jump Around".

The NCAA declined to lead an investigation into Coach Bielema and Coach Ryan allowing basketball players to play in a regulation football game, citing that the antics in Madison this past weekend were "simply too awesome to punish."

November 10, 2010

George Steinbrenner Signs Babe Ruth, Ted Williams, Cy Young to Softball League In Hell

OUTER REACHES OF HELL - (The Comedy News) - The former owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, has become the owner of the New Amsterdam Firepirates of the newly formed Major Hell Softball League.

Steinbrenner resumed his management habits as when he was mortal by signing the best of the best available talent to his team.

Players that Steinbrenner has signed to the Firepirates include Roberto Clemente (RF), “Shoeless” Joe Jackson (LF), Mickey Mantle (CF), Lou Gehrig (1B), Honus Wagner (SS), Babe Ruth (DH), Thurman Munson (C), Rogers Hornsby (2B), Eddie Matthews (3B), Cy Young (P), and coached by George "Machine Gun" Kelly. They are the current favorite to win the Netherworld Series in the upcoming season.

Players purposely left off the roster include Sandy Koufax, Hank Greenberg, Walter Johnson, Cal Ripkin, Jr., and Jackie Robinson---most likely due to their congeniality, being a Jew, or still being alive.

It is believed that all of Steinbrenner's players will have to abide by his rules such as keeping well-trimmed hair and abstaining from alcoholic and tobacco products. Satan himself, the commissioner of the Major Hell Softball League, was upset to hear that someone other then himself was instigating controlling vindictive commands at Hell residents. The commissioner threatened to punish Steinbrenner with a century of losing.

An expansion team will be debuting during the upcoming season as well, the East Berlin Lightning, owned by former Cincinnati Reds owner, Marge Schott. Players on the Lightning that will be added to the roster in the near future include Yogi Berra, Pete Rose, John Rocker, Ty Cobb and Roger Clemons. It is believed these players will boost their roster with the apt amounts of crime, stupidity, and malevolence to make a run for the Netherworld Series.

November 9, 2010

Ferris Bueller Caught in Truancy Scandal

Truant Mr. Bueller
GLENCOE, IL - (@The Comedy News) - Popular teen Ferris Bueller, 17, was caught skipping school this week by the Shermer High School dean of students, Edward Rooney.

Bueller's truancy habits came under fire after Rooney discovered that Bueller had skipped school nine times in that semester alone. If convicted, Ferris is expected to have to repeat his senior year of high school.

"That snot-nose punk is finally mine," rasped Rooney, who is known throughout the halls of Shermer High School for his gruff demeanor and strict adherence for child discipline. 

The people close to Ferris Bueller have taken brash actions against him as well. His ex-girlfriend, Sloan Peterson, took the virginity of Bueller's best friend, Cameron Fry, and reportedly treats him well. Bueller recently coaxed Fry into letting him borrow his father, Morris Fry's 1963 Ferrari GT California without permission. After blaming the Ferrari incident on Bueller, Morris Fry bought Cameron his own Ferrari to drive Sloan Peterson around Chicago in while she completes her senior year at Shermer high.

"I only dated Ferris so I could get to his sexily introverted pal, Cameron," Sloan explained, while receiving a nauseating forehead kiss from Fry.  Sloan, 16, has been spotted dining with her new boyfriend Cameron at five-star restaurants around Chicago, including Chez Luis, and The Billy Goat. 

The parents of Bueller disciplined their truant son by taking away his only livelihood, the computer, until he completes his high school education.

Bueller's older sister, Jeannie, has been seen throwing public fits during her brother's truancy scandal. These fits of rage are most likely triggered by the amount of attention her brother is getting for disobeying both school and parental rules and lack of punishment for them, until now.  One such incident involved a rejected suggestion made by Jeannie Bueller while in the audience at the Second City Improv theater on Wells Street.  Jeannie suggestions repeatedly were, "This is stupid and you all suck".  It took two Chicago police officers armed with tasers to remove Jeannie Bueller from the theater. 

There are rumors in the Chicago area that Jeannie has been dating out-of-work actor Charlie Sheen ---very likely to cause additional shame to both Ferris and the entire Bueller family.

November 8, 2010

Millions of Conan Fans Scramble to Figure Out What Channel Is TBS

ATLANTA, GA - (DoghouseDaily) - On any given night, the bulk of TBS' viewership comes from people who are just channel surfing and happen to stumble upon some mediocre programming. Tonight, millions of excited Conan O'Brien fans will frantically scramble to figure out what channel on their cable box is TBS.

"We never really put much effort into advertising for our programming," a TBS insider noted, speaking under the condition of anonymity. "Here at TBS, our ratings come from that lonely bored everyman demographic who is probably sitting on a couch or futon, surfing the TV guide, and happens to see a show that is moderately interesting. When we approached the Conan show, we decided to try things differently, and advertise for a change. Only problem is, well, no one really memorizes the channel number for TBS."

The Conan viewers that are likely to have the least amount of trouble locating TBS on their cable box include Atlanta Braves fans, Shawshank Redemption enthusiasts, and longtime fans of the now defunct World Championship Wrestling Monday Nitro. Either way, the Conan premiere on TBS is expected to be the biggest planned TBS-watching night of all time.

November 5, 2010

Today In History - 55 Years Ago - New Kid Wearing Red Life-Vest Gains Popularity Quickly

NOVEMBER 5, 1955

A new kid named Calvin Klein unexpectedly moved to the southern California town of Hill Valley. Within only a few days, he was seen among localites such as crackpot Emmitt Brown, science-fiction geek George McFly, sheltered sweetheart Lorriane Bains, and school bully Biff Tannen. Klein was last seen playing the electric guitar with the house band at the "Enchantment Under The Sea" Dance held at the high school gymnasium a few days later. No one has seen or heard from him since.

Never-written-before scenes from the classic movies you love!
From the Creators of The Comedy News!

November 1, 2010

Democrats Expected to Lose House, Senate & Presidency; Gain Supreme Court

Election 2010

(The Comedy News) - Only one day before the mid-term elections of 2010, Democrats are gearing up to pack up their desks, as most experts are predicting that they will lose control of the House, Senate, and Presidency.

After two years of complete control over Congress and the White House, Democrats have lost so much of the public's confidence that unprecedented electoral losses will ensue.

Even though President Obama is not up for re-election until 2012 (hence, 2010 being "mid-term" elections), ballot boxes nationwide are filling up with votes to replace the 44th President with a more conservative, vindictive, less articulate commander-in-chief.

It is not all losses for the Dems, however. Although the Dem losses in the House and Senate likely be fair and square, the constitutionality of voting out a President after two years by stuffing ballot boxes with snarky comments is coming under legal scrutiny. Because of this, Democrats are very likely to pick up seats in the Supreme Court.

Once again, since Supreme Court Justices are not directly appointed by the voters, the Dem's reclamation of a majority of liberal Justices on the Supreme Court via direct election will reinforce the complete and total political quagmire that will dictate American politics for the next 730 days.