Who Will Be Waiting In Line to Get the New iPhone on Release Day?

 

On Friday, September 20, Apple will be releasing an unprecedented two new iPhones--- the iPhone 5S and the iPhone 5C.   With pre-orders limited to only the 5C, experts predict massive lines outside Apple retail stores---with some lunatic Apple fans who have already been in line for weeks. 

And due to massive supply shortages, many more would-be iPhone buyers will be getting in line in the wee hours of Thursday night and Friday morning to ensure they will have the device by the weekend. 

Teaching Grandma To Text Not Going Very Well

BOCA RATON, FL - (@The Comedy News) - Dustin Rasumsson thought a great way to spend Christmas Day would be to teach his 88-year-old Grandma Cloris how to send a text message on her new iPhone.  

However, despite his pending Ph.D in social work from Cornell, Dustin's efforts to teach Grandma Cloris were futile.  

"I've always known Grandma to be a strong, smart idol of mine," said Dustin.  "But watching her hit the 'call end' button over and over, and then turning off the phone when she wasn't using it, made me flip my shit."

Dustin's patience wore thin as he hovered behind his Grandma---who was perched in her favorite rocking chair.  After asking where the erase button was [referring to 'delete'] Dustin snatched the phone away from Grandma Cloris and called her an "old windpasser".  

Grandma Cloris, a retired nurse who has been alive since the Calvin Coolidge administration, was in good spirits the entire time.

Despite her complete and total failure at attempting to send a text message, Grandma Cloris did manage ---all on her own--- to learn how to shoot and upload sepia-faded photographs to Instagram.

Top 1% Already Scheming To Hog All of the Commercial Spaceflight Tickets

Mitt Romney, Mark Cuban, Koch Brothers, New York Yankees Determined to Hoard Pricy Space Tickets

Virgin Galactic Founder, Richard Branson

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – (@The Comedy News) – An investigative report has revealed that the top 1% of America’s super-rich are already scheming to hog every available ticket aboard upcoming commercial spaceflights.

While cable news outlets laud the historic moment in aviation and space history, corporate billionaire swine are quietly buying up all of the spots on every planned commercial spaceflight.

“How amazing will it be when we have to butter up a client, and we offer them and their mistresses two of the company seats on a flight to space,” Tweeted Mark Cuban, owner of the NBA Champion Dallas Mavericks.

Single tickets for a ride on a commercial spaceflight are estimated to cost anywhere from $250,000 to $1 million each.   

Exxon Mobil and Wal-Mart executives have already bought up the first dozen commercial spaceflight tickets.  Several members of the New York Yankees are planning on doing the same soon as well.  Former Facebook executive Eduardo Savern announced he will buy 20 commercial spaceflight tickets, and vowed not to pay any taxes on them.  

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has also announced that not only will he attempt to become the first Venture Capitalist in Space, but if elected President, he will issue an executive order to forbid gays from riding on a commercial spaceflight---just to be a douchebag.  It is believed that this plan is aimed solely at former N*Sync singer Lance Bass, who is openly gay and attempted to buy his way into the Russian space program ten years ago. 

Romney also said that he plans to downsize Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic commercial spaceflight company into oblivion--- regardless of whether he wins the Presidential election.

“I will definitely be the first Venture Capitalist in space.  But, I will not allow a Frenchman like Sir Richard Branson to run a company that shuttles free-thinking hippie space tourists into orbit,” announced Romney.

Romney continued, “there’s just something wrong with that Branson guy.  I don’t like his long wavy blonde hair, and stubbly beard.  It’s just wrong.  In fact, I have a plan: once I downsize Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic company, me, the Koch Brothers, and Sean Hannity are gonna pin down Richard Branson and shave off his hair.  Now that’s one thing I have a lot of experience in doing.”

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Rusted Old Flying Machine from the 1980s Does Flyover of DC

Flying DeLorean Time-Machine Does Loop around Nation's Capital;  Goes on Display by Dulles Airport;  Awesome Doors open 'Upward'

Doc Brown's DeLorean piggybacking on a NASA 747

DULLES, VA - (@The Comedy News) - An old rusted technological relic from the Ronald Reagan years made a flyover of Washington, DC today, on its way to the Smithsonian aviation museum by Dulles Airport. 

The DeLorean DMC-12 time-machine, now retired, was transported by a NASA 747 Carrier Aircraft from Hill Valley, California to the Udvar-Hazy Center in Virginia where it will be on permanent display.

Originally manufactured by Dr. Emmett Brown, the DeLorean was first piloted by high school dropout, Marty McFly on October 26, 1985.  Although Dr. Brown's time-travel program has long since been defunded and discontinued, people around the world are fascinated by the DeLorean time-machine's impressive abilities and sleek appearance.

"I'll miss it's doors that open upward," said Alex Reeves while wiping back nostalgic tears.  "I'm just glad that this rusted, overpriced, out-dated, flying hunk of 1980s funky junk will be in a museum.  My grandkids will know about a quaint exciting time not long ago when time-travel was possible."

Many onlookers held signs on the Memorial Bridge between the Lincoln Memorial and Arlington National Cemetery, welcoming the defunct time-machine to DC.  Some revelers were playing the song "The Power of Love" on boomboxes to get in the time-travel mood. 

Some objected to the flight of the time-machine over Washington, DC---particularly due to it's position on top of the 747 Carrier Aircraft.  The Family Research Council, a conservative 'pro-family values' lobby group, lamented today in a press release that, "parading two flying objects latched together in a sexually explicit position is not the kind of message we want to send to children.  Particularly letting the little sin-machine sit on top.  It's un-American, lude, wasteful, and a poor showing of judgement."

The DeLorean time-machine went on several journeys throughout the space-time continuum, spanning from the year1885 and into the future as far as the year 2015.

However, the 27-year old vehicle does not hold the record for space-time continuum travel for devices manufactured in the 1980s.  That title belongs to a small phone booth located in San Dimas, California.  The time-traveling phone booth currently belongs to the George Carlin estate. 

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Horace Grant to be Spokesman for Google's Next Invasion of User Privacy

Horace Grant sporting his Google Goggles

"Google Goggles:  Who Needs Privacy When You Have the Eyes of a Champion?"

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - (@The Comedy News) - Former NBA star Horace Grant is the new spokesman for Google's latest invasion of user privacy---the Google Goggles.

"As the world's most famous wearer of oversize novelty glasses, I think Google Goggles are a slam dunk!"  Grant announced as part of Google's advertising campaign.  "Now, with Google Goggles, you can look like a 4-time champion!   Who needs privacy when you have the eyes of a champion?"

Nicknamed 'Project Glass', Google expects its revolutionary goggles to invade users privacy more than ever.  

Google's business model seems to do more than just invade peoples lives with still-photos and video footage.  Google hopes that the Goggles can literally see the unique view that users have only recorded in the privacy of their own minds.   

"De-privatize your brain.  Share your secrets.  Google Googles."  ---Horace Grant

The newest television advertisement for the Google Goggles begins over a black screen to the sounds of 'Sirius' by the Alan Parsons Project":

"Horace Grant.  True Patriot.  Born on the Fourth of July [in 1965].  Don't you wanna SEE like HORACE?  Try the Google Goggles.  You  may not score very much or at all, but it will definitely give you the ASSIST you need in life."

Google expects the Goggles to fail and be discontinued by December of 2012.  

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World's First Hipster Astronaut Orbits the Earth

World's first hipster astronaut posing.

Hipster Astronaut Drinks the First Pabst Blue Ribbon in Space

BROOKLYN, NY - (@The Comedy News) - This morning, NASA hit its latest major milestone in space exploration when they launched the world's first hipster astronaut into orbit.

Twenty-seven-year old Brad Mills of Lewiston, Maine became the first hipster to be launched into space.

"Yeah that's right, I orbited the Earth, and it's a really obscure thing to do, that's for sure," remarked Mills from 250 miles above the Earth's surface.  "Honestly, how many people actually know what it's like to be an astronaut?  500?  Half of which are either dead or too old, so they're all like lame and on Earth with the rest of the slaves to gravity.  Going to space is as indie as it gets." 

Astronaut Mills' solo journey aboard the Space Shuttle Williamsburg will last 36 months.  His first mission is to orbit the Earth 55 times and verbally ridicule all of mankind for not resisting the trendy, draconian effects of Earth's gravitational pull.  From there, Mills will travel 2.8 billion miles to visit the 8th rock from the Sun. 

When asked about why NASA wants to send the first hipster in space to visit Neptune, Mills got short with reporters.

"Why send a hipster to Neptune?"  Mills snapped.  "Because no one ever talks about Neptune.  Neptune's obscure.  And frankly, it's better than all the other planets, and no one else knows that.  Mars is the closest to Earth.  Lame.  Jupiter is the largest.  All the trendy jocks like Uranus for obvious reasons.  Saturn thinks it's all hot stuff because it's perpetually hula-hooping.  Mercury?  Too conservative.  And Venus, it's all gassy and lactose intolerant.  And then Pluto---Pluto's just, whatever."

Being the first hipster astronaut entails adding numerous changes to the old trendy NASA spacesuits of yesteryear.  Astronaut Mills personally redesigned the once nerdy, military-style space suit into full hipster astronaut getup.  Additions to the spacesuit include a gray cabbie-hat to go underneath the air-tight helmet.  The front of the helmet also now has a white silhouette of a handle-bar mustache---a fashion trend that, according to Mills, is "highly obscure and alienating to all who see it."  In addition, Mills affixed patches of some of his favorite things to his outfit, including a Nintendo NES game-controller, a 'I heart Indie' patch, and Mills' favorite, a Pabst Blue Ribbon patch on his front oxygen tank.

For the official pre-launch photograph, Mills refused to have any background image other than argyle. 

Mills expects to become the first human to drink a PBR in space. 

"I packed a 12-pack of PBR in my brown messenger bag.  See?  Here it is, with a strap across my chest," Mills explained while brandishing a messenger bag across his astronaut suit.  "I'm not a typical astronaut.  So, I'm not drinking tang.  Way too conformist.  I'll be drinking PBR and writing novellas from here all the way to Neptune."

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Scientists Discover Planet That Is Just as Miserable as Earth

TOP:  Nep Tun Massacre;  Pluto McDonald.   BOT: Pluto Springer Show;  Protests at Plutonian Funeral;  Pluto Fashion

CHARON, PLUTO - (@The Comedy News) - Scientists on Earth have discovered that Pluto and its moon, Charon, house a population of beings that are remarkably just as miserable as humans on Earth.  

"We have photographic proof that finally can confirm that yes, there is life out there beyond Earth, and it is just as miserable as life here on Earth," announced a professor at the Search for Extra Terrestrial Misery (SETM) in New Jersey.  

SETM has been in the business of searching the universe for life as miseable as that on Earth since 1989, when the world's first miserable reality-television show premiered, "Cops".  Since then, the growing amounts of misery and shame on Earth have motivated researchers at SETM to discover miserable life on another planet.  

Pluto is the furthest planet from Earth within our solar system at 4.4 billion kilometers away.  Still, there are many miserable facets of life that native Plutonians can empathize with that on Earth. 

After documenting many Plutonians in their daily miserable lives, Earthlings can now have a grasp of just how miserable life is on the other side of the universe. 

First, the Plutonians are just as prone to engage in war between each other as humans are.  In a civil war in North Nep Tun, a platoon of militants got drunk on space beer and decided it would be fun to massacre innocent Plutonians.  The militants involved claimed it was their superiors that ordered the intergalactic travesty.  (PICTURED ABOVE)

Also, Plutonains also relish the freedom of speech.  And just like Earth, beings with the freedom to say whatever they want can have their miscreants.  One splinter sect of Plutonians openly pray for the death of soldiers in the Plutonian army--some holding up signs that read, "Pray for More Dead on Pluto."

For miserable entertainment, Plutonians enjoy watching interviews of fellow Plutonians confess their misdeeds to a wide audience in a talk show format similar to Jerry Springer or Oprah Winfrey.   They also enjoy film festivals where they futilly dream of dressing as elegant as the famous Plutonians on television, including Natalie Plutortman, and Tony Danza.   

Pluto also boasts its most miserable, yet plentiful supply of nourishment:  McDonalds.

****UPDATE****
Scientists on Earth have discovered have video proof that former disgraced Enron chairman, Kenneth Lay, who has been presumed dead since 2006, was been discovered alive and miserable on planet Pluto.

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Entire Internet Crashes from Marathon Runners' Status Updates

Social Media Outlets Plea to Athletes:  "Please Be More Modest, or Risk Losing Your Internet"

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - Following the running of the Marine Corps Marathon on Sunday, the entire internet briefly crashed due to the millions of overtly boastful status updates by proud marathon runners.

"20th PLACE IN THE MARATHON BITCHES!  Don't you wish your body was FAST LIKE ME? 2:24:02---not even my best time.  CU in Boston!" Updated one very proud Marathon finisher.

The 20,000-plus runners in the Marine Corps Marathon this year produced and estimated 10 million statuses, emails, and Tweets boasting about their athletic prowess---an average of 500 per runner.  As the marathon went on throughout the morning, social Media outlets reported unprecedented overloading of their systems due to the massive influx of bragging and put-downs.

But runners are not alone in overloading the internet with their obnoxious bragging.  Football players, golfers, fencers, swimmers, and the asshole down the street who just wanted to remind you that he lost his ninth pound and ate organic goat balls for dinner are all contributors to polluting the internet with excessive zeal. 

"Kiss my ass, internet!  I don't care how slow you get, I will remind you every goddamn day just how often I go to spinning class," Abby Kauffman of West Chester, New York Tweeted after reports of the internet crashing due to widespread self-aggrandizement.

Engineers at Facebook, Google, and Twitter are all working to devise algorithms to limit athletic accomplishment boasting to a maximum of 12 statuses or Tweets per year--an average of only one per month. All three social media giants have adopted a new banner at the top of their webpages, "Please Be More Modest, or Risk Losing Your Internet".

A similar algorithm has been considered to curb the excess of status updates about vacations that seem to cause the internet to crash around the time of spring break and winter holidays.  However, the social media outlets have backed down from these talks due to pressure from the National Association of Burglers, as well as the Foundation for Frat Boys and Sorority Girls United Against Being Pleasant. 

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Ben Franklin Befriends Steve Jobs in Heaven; "Mighty Impressed" By iPhone

KINGDOM OF WEST HEAVEN - (@TheComedyNews) - Only a day after entering the afterlife, Steve Jobs has been befriended by another well accomplished, yet dearly departed innovator---Benjamin Franklin.

"This i-Phone device is wondrous!" Franklin exclaimed to his new buddy, Steve Jobs.  "I must say I am thoroughly impressed.  Now I must inquire, can I use this [long pause] i-Phone to find lovely lasses to come hither following nightly gatherings at Mozart's domicile?" 

Jobs was quick to address the inventor's question.  "Benji, the iPhone is great for contacting all of your friends, loved ones, and mistresses, if you do so choose." 

Several of heaven's greatest inventors, scientists, and artists lined up one by one to catch a glimpse of Heaven's newest resident and perhaps the most influential individual of the computer age.  Some eternal blogs have has reported sightings of Leonardo DaVinci, Albert Einstein, Johannes Gutenberg, and Aristotle.  After learning of Jobs' arrival in the afterlife, many of the figures quickly lined up at the eternal warehouse to get their hands on an iPhone.

Issac Newton was spotted repeatedly dropping his newly-acquired Apple iPhone under a tree, and attempting to make a big deal out of it.  Everyone else just thought Newton was being a crazy heretic again. 

Later in the day, Jobs was seen playing hacky sack with jam rocker, Jerry Garcia.  The two reportedly talked about activism-networking using a series of Applications on the iPhone.  

There were also rumors of a special keynote event hosted by Jobs in the coming weeks.

"My new pal Benjamin Franklin and I have a special announcement," Jobs announced over the Heaven soundsystem.  "Benji and have partnered up and will be showcasing a series of Apps that will help all of us in the Kingdom of Heaven on our daily activities."

On their morning radio show, Michelangelo and  Freddie Mercury speculated that one of the apps is called iHaunt---an application that assists the living-impaired with sending cryptic, spooky messages to the living.  Another app is called StudyPartner---an app that assists Heaven residents with keeping track of their living-loved ones' school work so they can better answer their prayers for better grades.  

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Bachmann Blames Heatwave on "Illegal" Mexican Air

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - (@TheComedyNews) - Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann announced today that she has figured out the source of the massive deadly heatwave stretching from the midwest to the east coast.  

"This deadly heat that's making patriotic Americans all sweaty and gross is coming from none other than Mexico," the Minnesota Representative said while wafting cold air from her refrigerator.  "If President Barack Obama would have done something about illegal crossings over the Mexican border, none of this hot Mexican air would have escaped to America and hurt our red, white and blue weather."  

Bachmann has also been declaring that if she becomes President, she plans to eliminate the National Weather Service.  

"Until the National Weather Service toughens their stance on illegal heat from Mexico creeping into America, they can kiss their funding goodbye in 2013.  That's how you cut spending, my fellow Americans."

In her latest speech, Bachmann speculated that if the United States does not build a wall to keep illegal immigrant weather from seeping over the southern border, summer temperatures could climb to a sinful 666 degrees Fahrenheit by the year 2013. 

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NASA: Astronauts Will Ride The Bus To Space

NASA Reluctantly Gets Rid of 1980s Vehicles;  Astronauts "Thrilled" to Ride Public Transit into Orbit

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL - (@TheComedyNews) - As Space Shuttle Atlantis blasted off into space this afternoon, future Astronauts geared up for the next phase of manned space flight in the United States:  the Space Shuttle Bus.

The Space Shuttle Bus is expected to take over the Space Shuttle Program that is being retired after 30 years of flight.

"We really liked keeping those old Space Shuttle things around," announced NASA Director Boulden.  "Discovery, Atlantis, Endeavour---they were really like Honda Civics---they could last forever.  But alas, we're retiring the old vehicles and the future of manned spaceflight for the indefinite future is all about public transit--- meet the Space Shuttle Bus!"

The current crop of NASA astronauts are reportedly "thrilled" that the Space Shuttle Program is shifting to public transportation.

"I used to ride the bus all the time," explained Mission Specialist Ronald Jetty.  "I'm a city guy, I come from Chicago, and I really gotta say the bus is such an underrated mode of transportation.  I'm so glad they finally got buses to go to space.  Some of the other astronauts have been all pissy about now being forced to ride the bus to space.  Bunch of north shore ninnies from the suburbs.  Maybe they can just wait for their mommy's minivan to fly to space.  It could be worse--- we could always resort to carpooling with the Russian space program.  Yeah right, we're better than that!"

Some big name astronauts are coming out of retirement to fly in Space Shuttle Bus' maiden flight.  These include first American to orbit the Earth, John Glenn, first human to set foot on the moon Neil Armstrong, and former cosmonaut-to-be Lance Bass.  

The first launch pad for Space Shuttle Bus will be located at the street corner of 1060 West Addison Street in Chicago, Illinois.

NASA has declined to go into details as to how the Space Shuttle Bus will actually fly into Space.

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Weather Channel Still Having Capslock Issues

COBB COUNTY, GA - (The Comedy News) - The Weather Channel's capslock woes continue to plague their severe weather advisory notices.

Since 1982, the preeminent voice in weather-related news has been unable to issue severe weather disclaimers using lower-case letters.

"We take severe weather very seriously," explained a Weather Channel employee. "At first, we thought that having a capslock problem with our computers would make our written weather updates look grammatically incorrect."

With the advent of written conversation, capslock is now associated with yelling. The Weather Channel would now like to think that they are yelling all of their severe weather updates.

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Study: Email Addresses Are Always Listed In Order of Importance

SAN JOSE, CA - (The Comedy News) - Researchers have concluded that when emails are sent to multiple recipients, the order in which names are listed in the "TO:" field corresponds to how important each recipient is to the sender. Listing email addresses from 'most important to least important' is the order of choice for 94% of email senders.

**Editor's note: email this article to some of your email contacts and see which recipients are most important to you. 

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Study: T-9 Users Get Defensive Around iPhone Users

BALTIMORE, MD - (The Comedy News) - A recent Johns Hopkins University study has concluded that 84% of T-9 mobile phones become defensive when confronted by an iPhone user.

The acronym T-9 stands for "Text on 9 keys". This keyboard style is considered a modest and primitive means of entering text onto a hand-held mobile telephone device.

In Washington, D.C., T-9 users were twice as likely to avoid sitting next to an iPhone user on the Metro Train in an attempt to avoid the sheer humiliation of being satisfied with an antiquated device of the past. Several nightclubs in Miami, New York, and Los Angeles have even forbidden any T-9 phones from their premises.

Anton Mendocino, owner of the hip new South Beach nightclub Marble, had concens. 

"T-9 folks have really become a problem here," lamented Mendocino. "Gangs armed with Razrs and LG flip phones have repeatedly fought with bouncers, assaulted waitresses, flooded the bathrooms. This one guy even managed to steal 6 iPhones from partiers with excessive force. He then proceeded to flush them down one of the men's room toilets. There was toilet water all over freakin' mahogany dance floor. The party kept going, no one really noticed except for our staff, but that's when I put my foot down. T-9 users need not come in here."

Apple iPhone users are not alone in instigating discomfort in T-9 users.

All T-9 users (99.7 % with a margin of error of +/-0.3) expressed that they felt inferior to all users of mobile devices with full QWERTY keyboards (including the BlackBerry, Droid, Samsung Cloud, LG Fuse, and even the FisherPrice DuckCluckNCall).

T-9 users were followed up with whether their perception of QWERTY keyboards changed when the input was a touch screen. However, no study participant could bear to admit any additional shame in their coveting, so no significant data could be analyzed to conclude what we all already know.