February 16, 2012

World's First Hipster Astronaut Orbits the Earth

World's first hipster astronaut posing.
Hipster Astronaut Drinks the First Pabst Blue Ribbon in Space

BROOKLYN, NY - (@The Comedy News) - This morning, NASA hit its latest major milestone in space exploration when they launched the world's first hipster astronaut into orbit.

Twenty-seven-year old Brad Mills of Lewiston, Maine became the first hipster to be launched into space.

"Yeah that's right, I orbited the Earth, and it's a really obscure thing to do, that's for sure," remarked Mills from 250 miles above the Earth's surface.  "Honestly, how many people actually know what it's like to be an astronaut?  500?  Half of which are either dead or too old, so they're all like lame and on Earth with the rest of the slaves to gravity.  Going to space is as indie as it gets." 

Astronaut Mills' solo journey aboard the Space Shuttle Williamsburg will last 36 months.  His first mission is to orbit the Earth 55 times and verbally ridicule all of mankind for not resisting the trendy, draconian effects of Earth's gravitational pull.  From there, Mills will travel 2.8 billion miles to visit the 8th rock from the Sun. 

When asked about why NASA wants to send the first hipster in space to visit Neptune, Mills got short with reporters.

"Why send a hipster to Neptune?"  Mills snapped.  "Because no one ever talks about Neptune.  Neptune's obscure.  And frankly, it's better than all the other planets, and no one else knows that.  Mars is the closest to Earth.  Lame.  Jupiter is the largest.  All the trendy jocks like Uranus for obvious reasons.  Saturn thinks it's all hot stuff because it's perpetually hula-hooping.  Mercury?  Too conservative.  And Venus, it's all gassy and lactose intolerant.  And then Pluto---Pluto's just, whatever."

Being the first hipster astronaut entails adding numerous changes to the old trendy NASA spacesuits of yesteryear.  Astronaut Mills personally redesigned the once nerdy, military-style space suit into full hipster astronaut getup.  Additions to the spacesuit include a gray cabbie-hat to go underneath the air-tight helmet.  The front of the helmet also now has a white silhouette of a handle-bar mustache---a fashion trend that, according to Mills, is "highly obscure and alienating to all who see it."  In addition, Mills affixed patches of some of his favorite things to his outfit, including a Nintendo NES game-controller, a 'I heart Indie' patch, and Mills' favorite, a Pabst Blue Ribbon patch on his front oxygen tank.

For the official pre-launch photograph, Mills refused to have any background image other than argyle. 

Mills expects to become the first human to drink a PBR in space. 

"I packed a 12-pack of PBR in my brown messenger bag.  See?  Here it is, with a strap across my chest," Mills explained while brandishing a messenger bag across his astronaut suit.  "I'm not a typical astronaut.  So, I'm not drinking tang.  Way too conformist.  I'll be drinking PBR and writing novellas from here all the way to Neptune."