October 29, 2010

NY Yankees To Be Special Guest Umpires for World Series

A-Rod Umpire Jersey Becoming a Top Seller

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - (The Comedy News) - The New York Yankees won't be absent from the 2010 World Series after all.

Due to the low ratings from games one and two between the San Francisco Giants and Texas Rangers, Major League Baseball has been forced to change things up to make sure the World Series meets anticipated revenues. Commissioner Bud Selig announced today that the New York Yankees will be special guest umpires for games three and four of the World Series.

This groundbreaking impromptu move has sparked bitter jealousy by the Philadelphia Phillies players, who still have not been given an explanation as to why the American League Championship Series loser, the Yankees, got the special guest umpire invitation, and not the loser of the National League Championship Series, the Phillies.

Still, the Alex Rodriguez limited-edition umpire jersey is now the top-selling item at the MLB's online store. A-Rod's ump jersey is expected to be the must-have Christmas gift during the upcoming holiday shopping season.

October 28, 2010

Colbert-Stewart Rally Expected To Ruin Halloween Party Attendance Nationwide

WASHINGTON, DC -  (The Comedy News) - This weekend, the "Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear" hosted by comedians Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart is expected to cause a significant dip in attendance at college Halloween parties.

Typically, the Saturday of Halloween weekend is christened with hundreds of thousands of debaucherous costume parties, particularly at large college campuses such as the University of Wisconsin-Madison, University of California-Santa Barbara, and North Carolina State University.

A vast number of those who typically host and attend such Halloween festivities are abandoning makeup and jelloshots in favor of attending the big political rally in Washington, DC. The comedians, Colbert and Stewart, have been the premier voices in galvanizing young politically-minded voters.

The excitement surrounding their upcoming rally on the National Mall is already encroaching on Halloween parties. Costume stores have reported that the most popular outfits being sold at costume stores have been tiny political buttons and sarcastic trucker hats embroidered with slogans such as "Tea Parties Are About Sharing", and "Let's Keep the Change".

Last-minute efforts are being arranged via Facebook statuses to get college students to care less about politics, and support the sacred tradition of getting belligerently intoxicated and dressing up like film characters from the early 1990s.

Currently, the Facebook event "Rally to Restore Buffoonery" is scheduled to take place on Saturday, October 30 from 12:00 AM through October 31 at 3:00 AM at 'Whereverthehellyougotocollege, CA'. So far, there are 24 confirmed attendees, and 17.5 million invitees listed as 'awaiting reply'.

October 25, 2010

Favre Buys iPhone, Leaves NFL To Focus on His Texting Career

Need to Get a Crusty, Whining, Erratic, Narcissistic NFL Legend to Retire? There's An App For That

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN - (DoghouseDaily) - Following a last-second Sunday Night Football loss to his former team, the Green Bay Packers, Brett Favre did what he has always done each week since joining the Minnesota Vikings: spend Monday morning window shopping at the Mall of America in Bloomington to "clear his mind". And by mid-Monday afternoon, Favre became the owner of a new iPhone 4, and decided that it was time to retire from football for good.

"Typically, I don't buy anything when I go Mall of America, except for five or six slices of Sbarro pizza. But after last night's loss in Green Bay, I just had this itch to play around in the Apple store. That's when I saw that awesome touch-screen phone," said the three-time National Football League Most Valuable Player. "I looked at the ESPN App, read the news about last night's loss. But most of the news was about my voicemails and texting with a New York Jets employee. That's when I knew it. Today's the right time to leave the NFL and focus exclusively on texting."

Clad in a Vikings hoodie sweatshirt and an Atlanta Falcons warm-up jacket, Favre reiterated that it is all too clear now that a career in texting and voicemailing various enticing individuals is far more lucrative and time-sensitive than being a football legend.

Favre's seventeen-year career has withstood thousands of vicious tackles, chronic thumb and ankle injuries, Super Bowl triumph, three devastating NFC Championship losses, an adulterous lifestyle, and a pain killer addiction. It is perfectly fitting that the sole entity in the universe with the power to get Favre to quit football is an iPhone.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs is expected to make an announcement any day now that Favre has signed on to becoming the primary spokesman for Apple's next advertisement campaign for the iPhone. Various websites have leaked the anticipated voice-over for upcoming commercials: "There is nothing iPhone can't do. Need to get a crusty, whining, erratic, narcissistic NFL legend to retire? There's an App for that."

October 22, 2010

Anti-Washington Candidate Vows, "If Elected, I Won't Even Set Foot in DC"

FOX VALLEY, WI - (The Comedy News) - Congressional candidates aiming to unseat incumbents this fall all have a very common rallying cry: they all pledge to be "anti-Washington".

One Senate candidate, Ron Johnson (R-WI), has vowed that if he is elected, he will not even set foot in our nation's capitol.

"The problem with politicians is they all go to Washington to be a congressguy. Well when I'm elected, I am not going to DC at all. Heck, I'm not even going to consider picking up my telephone and talking to anyone in that swampy vortex of reality," Johnson declared while shaking his fist in the air.

Johnson then adjusted his tie and patted his hair down and continued, "I'm different than all of these same old, same old scumbags that we elect to represent us in Washington. I pledge to be different than any other congressguy in history. When I'm Senator Johnson , I won't ever, and I mean EVER set foot in DC. Golly, I won't even leave the confines of Wisconsin, just to prove it to ya."

Typically, politicians say that they are "anti-Washington" to show that they will not allow lobbyists to slither into their offices to skew lawmaking, they will resist the temptation to vote only with their party, and that they will pursue issues that will make a positive, helpful difference to the people of their home states. Most politicians say the same thing, but in much congenial language, for example: "I will never forget where I come from and who I work for".

A local editorial board had the opportunity to ask a series of questions of Johnson. The editorial board (EB) was curious about the rules of congress---particularly the whole "must be present to vote" rule --- and how those rules would impact his "anti-Washington" pledge, Johnson became increasingly infuriated:

EB: "In order to cast votes as an elected member of Congress, you must be present to vote. How do you plan on representing your constituents if you refuse to set foot in the U.S. Capitol, let alone Washington, DC?"

Johnson: "Well you must be from Washington...that's a Washington question."

EB: "So you plan on changing the rules? How can you change the rules if you won't even be there to introduce, debate, and vote for legislation to even legalize voting for bills from a remote location?"

Johnson: "You just don't get it. You're just another another pro-DC monster, aren'tcha?"

Running as an Republican candidate, Johnson is currently leading his Democrat opponents the polls by an average of 16%. He is expected to win in a landslide.

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October 19, 2010

Republicans and Democrats Reach Compromise on Springsteen

Republicans Overwhelmingly Favor "Born in the USA", while Dems Rock out to "The Rising"

ASBURY PARK, NJ - (The Comedy News) - When it comes to finding musical anthems for political campaigns, candidates have not looked much further than Bruce Springsteen.

Republicans and Democrats have reached a compromise on what Bruce Springsteen songs they will be repeating over and over throughout campaign season: republicans will begin and end their rallies to the sounds of "Born in the USA", while democrats will swoon with hope while bobbing to "The Rising".

Political scientist Dr. Edward Cooper from the University of Southern California was the lead arbitrator who officiated the negotiations between the democrats and GOP.

"The campaign song is vital to getting the voters to support you. And Springsteen's music is the perfect cocktail of generic, unoffensive, yet tritely inspiring sounds that provide just enough distraction from the critical issues," Dr. Cooper reported in a written statement. "Right after the candidates finish their bland speeches, there is little time to let voters think critically for themselves, so the music starts to play. And once Springsteen's music starts to infect them, another vote is very likely to be locked up."

"Born in the USA has been a favorite song of republicans for many years," says Republican strategist, Dorothy Zampowski who led the Springsteen Summit negotiations for the GOP. "That the lyric, 'Born in the USA, I'm a cool rocking daddy in the USA' has resonated very well for republicans in tight races. The words "cool", "rocking", and "daddy" are all by definition unrelated, especially amongst us pro-war guys."

Zampowski continued, "...but when them words are aligned together and paired with the hum-dum-dum of Springsteen's guitar, it really draws in any wavering GOP voters. Let's not forget that the main jewel of this song is the title---BORN in the USA---which evokes strong emotions about natural-born citizenship. The song is about being Born in the USA! And you know how much we republicans love our Presidents to be born in the USA."

Democrats' use of the song, The Rising, has come to symbolize the democrats' strategies in several ways.

"The ambiance. Man, the ambiance," reflects unemployed democratic strategist Ted Kankerton. [Singing] "Can't see nothin' in front of me, can't see nothin' coming up behind. It's all like, 'li li li li li li li'! Whatever politician can march out to the sounds of this! Man, they are the man."

Kankerton's inexplicable reasoning comes at a time when democrats can hardly articulate what concrete issues they stand for---besides just being socially progressive, holding hands, looking to the sky with wretched indecisiveness, and basically doing all things good and respectful onto others.

Simple tangible evidence, the kind that typically woos republicans, is also nowhere to be found in the lyrics to 'The Rising'.  One atheist, Marxist dem noted, "the best part about the lyrics is that they are much more creative, deeper, poetic, and meaningful, which has kept us democrats from being able to relate to the conservatives who only care about being 'born in the USA'".

Attempts to contact Bruce Springsteen directly were not immediately returned. However, his most recent Twitter entry may be indicating an independent run for political office: "Soul patches, red white and blue wall paper, secret gardens, and glorious days. A Different Kinda Jersey Guy. Vote for The Boss in 2016! "