October 22, 2010

Anti-Washington Candidate Vows, "If Elected, I Won't Even Set Foot in DC"

FOX VALLEY, WI - (The Comedy News) - Congressional candidates aiming to unseat incumbents this fall all have a very common rallying cry: they all pledge to be "anti-Washington".

One Senate candidate, Ron Johnson (R-WI), has vowed that if he is elected, he will not even set foot in our nation's capitol.

"The problem with politicians is they all go to Washington to be a congressguy. Well when I'm elected, I am not going to DC at all. Heck, I'm not even going to consider picking up my telephone and talking to anyone in that swampy vortex of reality," Johnson declared while shaking his fist in the air.

Johnson then adjusted his tie and patted his hair down and continued, "I'm different than all of these same old, same old scumbags that we elect to represent us in Washington. I pledge to be different than any other congressguy in history. When I'm Senator Johnson , I won't ever, and I mean EVER set foot in DC. Golly, I won't even leave the confines of Wisconsin, just to prove it to ya."

Typically, politicians say that they are "anti-Washington" to show that they will not allow lobbyists to slither into their offices to skew lawmaking, they will resist the temptation to vote only with their party, and that they will pursue issues that will make a positive, helpful difference to the people of their home states. Most politicians say the same thing, but in much congenial language, for example: "I will never forget where I come from and who I work for".

A local editorial board had the opportunity to ask a series of questions of Johnson. The editorial board (EB) was curious about the rules of congress---particularly the whole "must be present to vote" rule --- and how those rules would impact his "anti-Washington" pledge, Johnson became increasingly infuriated:

EB: "In order to cast votes as an elected member of Congress, you must be present to vote. How do you plan on representing your constituents if you refuse to set foot in the U.S. Capitol, let alone Washington, DC?"

Johnson: "Well you must be from Washington...that's a Washington question."

EB: "So you plan on changing the rules? How can you change the rules if you won't even be there to introduce, debate, and vote for legislation to even legalize voting for bills from a remote location?"

Johnson: "You just don't get it. You're just another another pro-DC monster, aren'tcha?"

Running as an Republican candidate, Johnson is currently leading his Democrat opponents the polls by an average of 16%. He is expected to win in a landslide.

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