Furious Third-Grader Challenges His Lowered Test Score
ARCHIVE STORY (1993)
MILWAUKEE, WI - (@The Comedy News) - Nine-year-old Brian F. (name redacted due to age restrictions) received quite a surprise when he got his graded U.S. History test back in Mrs. Teller's third grade class.
"I was the only one in the class to get 100% of the questions right, but I spelled June wrong, so I got a 90%," explained Brian. "I spelled June with a 'W'. It should have a W anyways."
June 19, 2013
June 12, 2013
Shabbat Services tend to have the same order of business: the same opening prayers, sometimes a different melody here and there. And the night always closes out with the same hits: Aleinu and Adon Olam.
And much like Shabbat Services, it seems as if arena rockers Guns N' Roses have been around forever, clinging to time-tested routines and hits that have galvanized the masses for years.
After much deliberation, this is the official guide to Shabbat Services with the corresponding Guns N' Roses setlist:
|Guns N' Roses|
|Barchu||"Welcome to the Jungle"|
|Sh'ma||"You Could Be Mine"|
|Avot; G'vurot||Slash Guitar Solo|
|Silent Prayer||Interlude; Thanking [insert city]
for being the best crowd ever.
|Torah Blessing||"Sweet Child O'Mine"|
|Sermon / Announcements||Shameless promotion of new album nobody cares about.|
|Mourner's Kaddish||"Knockin' on Heaven's Door"|
|Adon Olam||"Paradise City"|
June 5, 2013
Outfielder Admits to "Jewcing" in 1996
MILWAUKEE, WI - (FACEBOOK: @TheComedyNews) Jewish baseball player Ryan Braun has confessed to using illegal steroids in preparation for his Bar Mitzvah in 1996. This comes on the heels of a story breaking that the All-Star outfielder for the Milwaukee Brewers also used performance-enhancing drugs on the baseball field.
“Although I vehemently deny using performance-enhancing drugs during my baseball career, I do regretfully admit that I used steroids when preparing for my Bar Mitzvah,” Braun confessed at a press conference.
When asked why he engaged in such reprehensible activity at the innocent age of 13, Braun explained that the pressure to be awake and alert at 10:00 AM on a Saturday to read Hebrew from the Torah really got him anxious.
Braun continued, “Also, I needed some way to keep composure when I had all of these people I never met before, all congratulating me profusely for some reason, giving me an insincere ‘mazel tov’, and then handing me a Hallmark card full of cash. Hard times, I’m tellin’ ya.”
The press conference concluded with Braun also admitting that he engaged in underage alcohol consumption at the ceremony as part of the after-service Kiddush.
Although investigators have not released the official list of illicit substances that Braun utilized in preparation for his Bar Mitzvah, many around the Mission Hills, California Jewish community have dismissed the allegations. Sources close to Braun allege that the then-13-year-old Braun likely didn’t use anything more serious than a little bit of Adderall, Mountain Dew extract, and the now-defunct soda, Surge.
According to Rabbinal scholars, Braun’s illegal steroid use in preparation for his Bar Mitzvah has resulted in his adulthood being nullified.