February 16, 2014

Al Qaeda Installs New Monkey Bars at Their Headquarters

BIN LADEN MEMORIAL TRAINING CENTER (@TheComedyNews) - After nearly 20 years of use in training the world's most vile would-be terrorists, the old monkey bars course at the Al Qaeda training center are finally being replaced.

"For years, guys in the field have been complaining that our monkey bars were just not rigorous enough for training the best of the best of 21st century terrorists," an Al Qaeda publicist said.  "So we secured a grant from a few wealthy donors to replace our monkey bars."

Not much is known about the obstacle course that Al Qaeda requires of all of their terrorists before graduating.  There have been murmers of discontent amongst many rank-and-file terrorists that the western news media have been using the same 20-second video clip featuring terrorists training on monkey bars.  

For the past decade, a referendum on upgrading the monkey bars and the rest of the terror school obstacle course has not reached the required majority from Al Qaeda members at their annual convention,

"This is an investment for the future of Al Qaeda--- stronger terrorists with more upper-body agility", the press release concluded.  

The new monkey bars are planned to have a moat of alligators beneath to quickly weed-out any scronny terrorists in training.  

As of press time, a United States Navy drone is headed in the direction of the Bin Laden Memorial Training center to bomb that dump into oblivion.

The Comedy News is a satire news website based in Los Angeles. Brian Fishbach is the editor-in-chief.  You can follow his work on Twitter and Instagram.

Local Newscaster Seems Oddly Disappointed To Report No Fatalities

LOS ANGELES, CA (@TheComedyNews) - The anchor of NBC4 Newswatch, Jerry Karpe, seemed oddly disappointed last night when reporting no fatalities in a seven-car crash on the 405 Freeway.  

"Unfortunately, we have no fatalities to report," Kraus reported from the scene, as a family of four were being pried from their mangled, still burning Dodge Caravan.  "...which is quite surprising, since with a wreck involving so many people, the law of averages would dictate at least one dead person here.”

With a cameraman in tow, Kraus slyly walked under the police tape to get a closer look at the horrifying scene.   While his new perch did not provide the best camera angle view of the wreckage, Kraus seemed much more intent on finding someone who could still be pinned under the pile of twisted metal and rubber.  

"Yoohoo, any dead dudes up in here?"  Kraus smirked as he called out to any potential deceased victims.  "C'mon, I'm on deadline, seriously.  Anyway, still no fatalities to report at the scene, but lots of wreckage.  Fire, and definitely some children involved."

Kraus' report continued until most of the most distorted debris had been cleaned up.  However, he died later that evening after a failed attempt to cross the freeway's oncoming traffic back to his newsvan.  

The Comedy News is a satire news website based in Los Angeles. Brian Fishbach is the editor-in-chief.  You can follow his work on Twitter and Instagram.

October 8, 2013

Billions of Wild Animals Thrilled about National Park Shutdown

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, WY - (@TheComedyNews) - While many people thorughout the United States are furious about being furloughed from their Federal Government jobs, there are billions of animals who are taking their share of joy.  

Due to the Federal Government shutdown, all National Parks are closed to tourists, leaving billions of diverse wild animals free of gawking tourists invading their habitats.  

"I can hardly remember the last time I was this relaxed", a Yellowstone Elk rejoiced.  "I'm a three-year-old father of seven.  I used to worry every day that a dumb family from Wisconsin will run over one of my children with their Subaru.  Good riddance!"

A similar sentiment was expressed by Bryant, a two-thousand pound grizzly bear..  "No matter how many people we gore each year, tourists keep coming back.  It's really annoying.  But just one government shut down and bam!  All intruders to our neighborhood are gone.  Now I can go fishing for lox and dumpster diving without annoying tourists shooting sepia-faded Instagram photos of me." 

In addition to the natural fauna at the closed National Parks, the flora are pretty amused by the lack of tourists and researchers as well.

"Look at me, I'm 5,000 years old,.  Have I been waiting for a time that all the scientists would just fuck off for a few days?"  A Redwood tree in Northern California at the eponymous National Park snapped while smoking a cigarette.  "You bet I have.  You try to germinate while some dork in short shorts and tubesocks takes measurements of your dong."  

Still, there is some wildlife that misses the daily drudge of human contact.  

Damien, a Burmese Python at Everglades National Park expressed his insistance that the parks open up to tourists once again. 

"It's not that I enjoy harming humans," Damien explained.  "Me and my buddies just like to scare the shit out them.  'Snake!  Snake!  Snake!'"  Damien mocked.  "Man I miss that shit."

The Comedy News is a satire news website based in Los Angeles. Brian Fishbach is the editor-in-chief.  You can follow his work on Twitter and Instagram.

September 18, 2013

Who Will Be Waiting In Line to Get the New iPhone on Release Day?

On Friday, September 20, Apple will be releasing an unprecedented two new iPhones--- the iPhone 5S and the iPhone 5C.   With pre-orders limited to only the 5C, experts predict massive lines outside Apple retail stores---with some lunatic Apple fans who have already been in line for weeks. 

And due to massive supply shortages, many more would-be iPhone buyers will be getting in line in the wee hours of Thursday night and Friday morning to ensure they will have the device by the weekend. 

At the same time, many Apple stalwarts will be refraining from waiting in line for the smartphone. 
We surveyed 1,000 people as to weather they will be waiting in line on the new iPhone release day, and here is what some had to say: 

"I WILL wait on line for the new iPhone on release day because..."
  • "...it will be a fun reunion for all the friends I made at the iPhone 5 release last year."
  • "...I've been dying to take a fake-sick day."
  • "...it will be the closest I will ever get to taking a camping trip."
  • "...a gold iPhone will be the missing piece to the puzzle of losing my virginity by Friday." 
  • "...I have nothing better to do thanks to government furloughs."
  • "...I have yet to reach my annual Apple spending quota of $1500 per year." 
  • "...sitting outside in the dark of night while playing with my electronics, what can possibly go wrong?"
  • "...I thoroughly enjoy complaining about how tired I am."
  • "...with a fingerprint-scanner to unlock the thing, I no longer will have to worry about the cops snooping my text messages with my drug dealer." 

"I will NOT wait on line for the new iPhone on release day because..."
  • "...I will be spending my hard-earned $400 at the strip club, thank you very much."
  • "...my carphone is still alive and kicking it."
  • "...there's a new iPhone coming out?  I bought an iPhone 5 yesterday.  Goddammit."
  • "...I'm still a bit busy occupying Wall Street."   
  • "...I know I will just leave it in a cab like I did with the last one."
  • "...I have a job, a life, and self-respect."
  • "...I will probably lose my place in line when I make a dash to the nearest Starbucks bathroom at sunrise."
  • "...hold on, I'm texting.  Will tell you in uno..............momento.  So...  What was the question?"

August 28, 2013

(Op/Ed) OJ Simpson: "I May Be Civilly Liable for Two Murders, but I NEVER Took Steroids"

LOVELOCK CORRECTION CENTER - NEVADA -  (@The Comedy News)  - As a former National Football League star and actor, I am thoroughly disgusted at the rampant steroid abuse amongst today's professional athletes.  

First, to clear the air:  Yes, I may be civilly liable for two grisly murders.  But that was almost two decades ago.  In all of my 60-plus years on this Earth, I never took steroids.

I won a Heisman Trophy.  I am in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.  I co-starred in The Naked Gun movies---even did my own stunts.  I am a loving father twice over.  

This all required some hard physical work.  But never so hard that I would let down all of my fans, coaches, and family (in that order) by polluting my body with unnatural performance-enhancing steroids.  That is just despicable.  

Alex Rodriguez.  Lance Armstrong.  Barry Bonds.   By taking steroids, they disrespected the sports that have brought them so much over the years.  Millions of people invest parts of their lives in seeing them succeed.  And to know that these athletes received such acclaim using illicit steroids, in a way,  THEY are taking lives of millions.

Sure, I may have been responsible for the deaths of two human beings.  But not criminally, only civilly.  Let's be sure we are clear on the adverbs we have agreed on.  

Further, murder is mentioned in the Bible.  Sometimes as a sin, I know this for sure.   But many times, as a sacrament to The Lord.  Still, nowhere in the Bible is there any mention that athletic gladiators should be allowed to poison the purity of their bodies and with steroids. 

Lastly, before I get too preachy, please give that South African olympic sprinter with no legs that killed his girlfriend a break, he made an honest mistake.  If he killed her, it was probably because he loved her.   At least he didn't use steroids.  

The Comedy News is a satire news website based in Los Angeles. Brian Fishbach is the editor-in-chief.  You can follow his work on Twitter and Instagram.

July 22, 2013

Somehow, Prince William Gives Birth to Royal Baby

Prince William enduring the agony of a natural childbirth.
LONDON, UK - (FACEBOOK:  @The Comedy News) - In a surprising turn of events, Prince William, Duke of Cambridge gave birth to the much anticipated Royal Baby today.

This comes as a shocking surprise since the entire world was expecting William's wife, Kate Middleton to be the pregnant one since December 2012. 

While the physiological details of a human male giving birth have yet to be released by Buckingham Palace, Prince William tweeted an update to his followers:  
"Shyte this is bloody painful!  #bollocks, #overrated"  

Still, the novelty of becoming the first British Prince to give birth certainly explains the modest amount of media coverage for the past nine months. 

The Comedy News is a satire news website based in Los Angeles. Brian Fishbach is the editor-in-chief.  You can follow his work on Twitter and Instagram.

July 17, 2013

Girl Singing Really Well at Religious Services Just Showing Off

 AUSTIN, TX - (FACEBOOK:  @The Comedy News) - At around 7:45 PM this past Friday night, congregants sitting in the center pews of Congregation Beth Ra'ash noticed a distracting noise during the opening prayers:  the awkwardly loud and polished singing voice of Jill Pearson trumping the mood.

"I knew it was Jill Pearson," congregant Jonathan Weinfeurter griped.  "Every time I go to services, no matter where I am in the sanctuary, I can hear her staccato voice polluting the air."

Other congregants note that Jill often chides the service leaders' performance behind their backs following services.  And in addition to looking around mid-song to see if anyone is marveling at her over-produced audible chanting from the pews, Jill also tweets her vocal pride: 

"@DayenuDiva613:  Adam Levine may got moves like Jagger, but I got a voice like God." 

No congregant could confirm what Jill's musical training has been---likely due to no decent soul being capable of tolerating her blatant narcissism. 

However, a quick Google-search has shown that Jill has been a classically-trained singer since age 4, has auditioned for season 2 of The Voice, studied at the Julliard School in New York, and even sung the Star Spangled Banner at a Dallas Cowboys football game.

Still, after all of those accolades, Jill still can't resist the urge to show off her self-proclaimed "voice that flows like wine", even during modest opportunities such as Shabbat. 

It was also reported that the only time during the entire service that Jill's melodic caterwauling was not heard was during the reciting of the Shemah.  It was later revealed that at that time, Jill was Instagramming a selfie with her free hand over her eyes, winking. 

July 10, 2013

Wedding Guests Can't Agree on What Estimated Cost of Wedding Is

SANIBEL ISLAND, FLORIDA – (FACEBOOK The Comedy News)  Wedding guests at the nuptial ceremony of Joseph and Penny Goldmann were deadlocked last Saturday on estimating how much the entire production cost. 

In a setting featuring rare flowers flown in from Guam, a 10-piece band featuring a Frank Sinatra impersonator, an open bar, and even souvenir folding chairs for each of the 300 friends and family in attendance, everyone seemed to be celebrating the occasion.  And as the frills kept coming throughout the night, guests could not help but estimate quietly amongst each other just how much their good friends had spent on celebrating the occasion.

“Look at this New York strip steak,” said Dylan Siebelson, a former roommate of the groom, as he fisted a shitake mushroom into his already-chewing mouth.  “This has got to be $80 a plate!  I say $105,000, tops!”

A pair of distant cousins of the bride offered their input.  

“We always thought Penny was stingy, no offense, but she always has been,” Sara the cousin offered.  “Dinner was okay, and they only offered two choices for vegetarians.  I say $10,000, maybe $15 but that’s pushing it.”

The close family and friends began to dance to “Havah Nagila”, while the debate moved over to the whiskey-tasting bar, where the debating guests befriended Joe’s boss from work, Edward McCarty.

“Believe me, I’ve been to a lot of these weddings.  Tonight, there’s plenty of food, plenty of liquor, no herky-jerky DJ playing soft rock and hip hop--- a real band.  This wedding costs $78,000,” McCarty estimated. 

As the gaggle of debating guests continued to deduce a total cost by scrutinizing each and every detail of the wedding, the bride’s brother, George---visibly inebriated---approached the group. 

“Hey, hey, hey my love buds!”  George blurted, hugging the debating guests.  “Guess who just got to base number deuce with one of the wedding planner’s assistants just now!” 

The debate came to a halt.  McCarty then wrapped his arm around George’s shoulder.

“George my man,”  I will buy you a whiskey drink of your choice if you can ask that wedding planner’s assistant what the whole cost of the wedding is.”

Still trashed, George turned around and sauntered to the wedding planner.  Upon returning, George reported back to the cost-estimators, “the cake should be out in about 10 minutes.”

At that point, the four debating guests looked at each other, grabbed their souvenir chairs, and got on the shuttle bus back to the Hotel where the four of them proceeded to have a 30-minute makeout session.   

The cost of the wedding remains a mystery to this day. 

The Comedy News is a satire news website based in Los Angeles. Brian Fishbach is the editor-in-chief.  You can follow his work on Twitter and Instagram.

July 2, 2013

Media Demands Edward Snowden Provide New Photo Without Hideous Hairy Mole Growing From Neck

MOSCOW, RUSSIA (@The Comedy News) - The international news media have asked fugitive NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden release a new file photograph without the hideous hairy mole growing from the left side of his neck.

"I damn near vomited when I saw that festering cockroach emerging from Snowden's neck," said Odette O'Brien of the the Irish Associated Press.  "Our news service tends to publish high-definition photos, especially headshots of psychopaths, murderers, terrorists, and other bastions of high television ratings.  But we knew that a picture of Snowden with his nasty mole photobombing would be too graphic and too grotesque for our readers."

The hideous hairy mole on Snowden's neck has also turned several non-Extradition Treaty countries against Snowden's pleas for asylum.

"The great people of the Republic of Ecuador are hesitant to welcome into our country what just might be the most photographed smarmy mole of the twenty-first century," the Prime Minister of Ecuador said in a written statement. 

Some pro-mole advocates have come to Snowden's defense, saying that his 4-centimeter hairy bulging pustule mole makes the disgraced Booz Allen Hamilton contractor beautiful in the same way as Marilyn Monroe and Cindy Crawford. 

Still, news outlets from all seven continents have united in opposition and signed onto a letter urging Edward Snowden to provide a new file photograph sans mole:

Dear Mr. Snowden,

We, the undersigned media representatives from all SEVEN continents of the World are happy to continue reporting fair and impartial news reports about your recent ordeal. 
 However, in order to satisfy the nausea limits of our readers and viewers, you must provide a new file photograph without that nasty mole on your neck.  It is huge.  It reminds us of approaching a public toilet and finding someone else's shit caked on the side.
Already, one reporter had a stroke after he claimed your hideous mole winked at him.  Get rid of it.  In the words of Uncle Buck, "Go downtown, and have a rat naw that thing off your face."
Good day to you,

Associated Press of North America
Brazil News International
Al Jazzera Antarctica
Kim Jong-uNews
Kangaroo Times
The Daily European Weekly
Pride Rock Sun Times

June 19, 2013

9-Year-Old Gets Downgraded for Spelling June, "JEWNE"

Furious Third-Grader Challenges His Lowered Test Score


MILWAUKEE, WI - (@The Comedy News) - Nine-year-old Brian F. (name redacted due to age restrictions) received quite a surprise when he got his graded U.S. History test back in Mrs. Teller's third grade class.

"I was the only one in the class to get 100% of the questions right, but I spelled June wrong, so I got a 90%," explained Brian.  "I spelled June with a 'W'.  It should have a W anyways."

Brian's initial defense was that he recently started Hebrew school so he has 'Judaism on the mind' more than usual.  Still, his teacher did not budge on Brian's egregious spelling error and insisted that the grade remain the same.

Later that week, after asking his babysitter Matt for advice, Brian wrote a note to his teacher contesting the grade once again:

Dear Mrs. Teller,

Mark Twain once said, "I don't give a damn for a man who can only spell a word one way."

Please change my grade.

Sincerereelrely,  (sic)

Mrs. Teller's response to this note was forcing Brian to do one month of indoor recess for using the word "damn".

Brian responded with a written statement in Crayon:

"but by then, school will be over, we don't have school in the month of JEW-LIE."

June 12, 2013

If Shabbat Services Were A Guns N' Roses Concert...

Shabbat Services tend to have the same order of business:  the same opening prayers, sometimes a different melody here and there.  And the night always closes out with the same hits:  Aleinu and Adon Olam.  

And much like Shabbat Services, it seems as if arena rockers Guns N' Roses have been around forever, clinging to time-tested routines and hits that have galvanized the masses for years.  

After much deliberation, this is the official guide to Shabbat Services with the corresponding Guns N' Roses setlist:

Shabbat Services
Guns N' Roses
Barchu"Welcome to the Jungle"
Sh'ma"You Could Be Mine"
Vahavta"Night Train"
Michamocha"Civil War"
Avot; G'vurotSlash Guitar Solo
Silent PrayerInterlude; Thanking [insert city]
for being the best crowd ever.
Torah Blessing"Sweet Child O'Mine"
Sermon / AnnouncementsShameless promotion of new album nobody cares about.
Mourner's Kaddish"Knockin' on Heaven's Door"

(First Encore)
Aleinu"November Rain"

(Second Encore)
Adon Olam"Paradise City"

So the next time you are at a Guns N' Roses concert, shout "Yasher koach" in the direction of Axl Rose.  But only if that flaky drunk deserves it. 

Oh and by the way, Slash the guitarist ---whose birth name is Saul Hudson---is Jewish.

Axl Rose leading Shabbat services

June 5, 2013

Jewish Baseball Slugger Ryan Braun Used Steroids in Preparation for Bar-Mitzvah

Outfielder Admits to "Jewcing" in 1996

MILWAUKEE, WI - (FACEBOOK: @TheComedyNews)  Jewish baseball player Ryan Braun has confessed to using illegal steroids in preparation for his Bar Mitzvah in 1996.  This comes on the heels of a story breaking that the All-Star outfielder for the Milwaukee Brewers also used performance-enhancing drugs on the baseball field.  

“Although I vehemently deny using performance-enhancing drugs during my baseball career, I do regretfully admit that I used steroids when preparing for my Bar Mitzvah,”  Braun confessed at a press conference. 

When asked why he engaged in such reprehensible activity at the innocent age of 13, Braun explained that the pressure to be awake and alert at 10:00 AM on a Saturday to read Hebrew from the Torah really got him anxious. 

Braun continued, “Also, I needed some way to keep composure when I had all of these people I never met before, all congratulating me profusely for some reason, giving me an insincere ‘mazel tov’, and then handing me a Hallmark card full of cash.  Hard times, I’m tellin’ ya.”

The press conference concluded with Braun also admitting that he engaged in underage alcohol consumption at the ceremony as part of the after-service Kiddush. 

Although investigators have not released the official list of illicit substances that Braun utilized in preparation for his Bar Mitzvah, many around the Mission Hills, California Jewish community have dismissed the allegations.  Sources close to Braun allege that the then-13-year-old Braun likely didn’t use anything more serious than a little bit of Adderall, Mountain Dew extract, and the now-defunct soda, Surge. 

According to Rabbinal scholars, Braun’s illegal steroid use in preparation for his Bar Mitzvah has resulted in his adulthood being nullified.

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  He is also a Jewish Brewers fan from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.    You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at www.BrianFishbach.com.  Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

May 22, 2013

'Creepy Guy on Subway' Upgraded to 'Guy I'm Interested In' After He Backhandedly Reveals He's Jewish

NEW YORK, NY - (@The Comedy News) - Today on the morning rail commute, a tall, dark-haired guy sitting across from Anna Silberman began to stare at her for a good fifteen seconds.

Anna thought to herself, "he's kinda cute, I give him a seven-point-five out of ten.  But... aww no, he's still staring, now I give him a seven.  No, six."  A moment later Anna's inner monologue evaluated the guy again, "Four.  He's a four.  Cute but a creeper."  Anna sighed.  

In an instant, the creepy guy stood up and walked towards Anna.

"Oh no, please don't talk to me, please don't talk to me, please don't talk to me," Anna thought. 

"Hi I'm Benji," the creep began as he sat down next to Anna.

"Oh no!"  Anna screamed internally.

"I was just wondering," continued Benji.  "Does this jacket smell like cabbage?"

"Eww, what?" Anna responded as she reached for her pepper spray.

"You see," Bejji said.  "I bought this jacket last month when I was in Israel, and last Friday, I left it hanging at coat check at a Shul in Yonkers, and I'm convinced that the jacket smells like cabbage now."

Anna put her pepper spray back in her purse.

"Were you on Birthright?"  Anna asked Benji as she began to re-evaluate him.  "Jewish, bold, self-conscious.  That's kinda cute.  Six-point-five..."

Benji eagerly answered, "Yeah, most inspiring trip ever!  Have you been?"

"Yes! Twice last year!" Anna rejoiced.

"That's hot, I've been meaning to go back to Israel all year, but I have been doing so much traveling to visit my brother who just became a Rabbi in Paris."

"Oh my God, eight.  I'm interested!  Wait...NINE!" Anna made her final evaluation. 

Benji and Anna exchanged contact information.  They will be expecting their first child at the end of February 2014. 

May 14, 2013

Shavuot Gathering Marred by Outbreak of Lactose Intolerance

BERKELEY, CA - (Facebook: The Comedy News) - A Shavuot celebration hosted by Julia Yalda,  turned sour as it was slowly revealed throughout the evening that every one of the ten guests were lactose intolerant.

Shavuot celebrates the giving of the Torah to the Jews, and it always falls 50 days after the end of Passover.  Part of the celebration includes the mass consumption of dairy products, as well as decorating ones home or synagogue with spices and flowers. 

"Before we sit down and talk Torah, I want everyone to take a bite out of this cherry amaretto cheese cake I made!"  Julia, a third-year undergraduate at the University of California-Berkeley, commanded to her guests.  The cheesecake's initial reviews were positive, with some guests going back for seconds.

But discomfort began to proliferate throughout the party shortly after Julia mixed up chocolate-custard malted milkshakes in her MagicBullet blender.  Although tasty and sweet, the milkshakes were a recipe for disaster for Julia's nine highly lactose-intolerant guests. 

"The torah portion I read at my Bat Mitzv-.  Oh dammit.  Hey I'll be right back, guys, gonna get some fresh air," winced Lauren Sweiren as she trotted to Julia's balcony.  

Julia's ex-boyfriend Claude, making his first return to Julia's apartment since he dumped her following a night of mediocre noodle Kugel, abruptly stood up from the dinner table and headed for Julia's bathroom.  

Claude ruffled through the medicine cabinet in Julia's bathroom.  Julia scampered right after in and slammed the door.

"I knew you wanted more of THIS," Julia said, pulling her hair out of her hairnet and removing her Delta Gamma sequined apron.  Claude brushed her away.

"I left a box of Lactaid tablets in here," he screamed.  "You didn't throw them out did you?" 

"Of course not!" Julia retorted.  "They're burning in the oven right now as an offering to God on Shavuot!"  

"Oh God, no!" Exclaimed Claude.

"Exactly!"  Julia smiled, eyebrows lowering.  "Now are we gonna play horizontal hamotzi, or are ya gonna come back and Shavu the oat with the rest of my guests?"

As Claude and Julia made their way back to the dining room table to join the other guests,  Yoni Rosenblatt ran past them clutching his abdomen.  The table was now empty, the rest of the guests were on Julia's balcony, writhing in discomfort.  

"Okay, I get it, you are all lactose intolerant," Julia conceded.  "It's okay if you don't want to eat my dairy dinner.  Shavuot is also about spices and aromas, so here, I'll light this flowery incense candle.  Does anyone have a lighter or a match?"

"No!!!!" Shouted each of the bloated, cramping guests and they pushed and shoved their way out of Julia's apartment. 


May 8, 2013

Signs You’re Turning into Your Jewish Father

You consider 'Fiddler on the Roof', 'Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat',  'The Producers', 'Damn Yankees' and 'Rent' to be Jewish cultural history. 
You kiss as much ass with your significant others' parents as much as you do with your boss.

You spend 25 minutes looking around the house for your reading glasses not realizing that they’re on your face.

You recite jokes that are five paragraph essays.  

Your cell phone interrupts the silence before Ha-motzi---and the ringtone is the theme to "Curb Your Enthusiasm"

Most of your stories begin with, “Did I ever tell you about the time…” and before your audience can answer, you tell them for the third or fourth time.

You have no idea what an embarrassing story is.  

You wear a hideous adjustable baseball hat with your friends' company logo on it.

You fall asleep at Major League Baseball games, but only for a few minutes.

At non-Jewish weddings, you complain that there’s too much liquor and not enough food, and that there is no one there to callously estimate how much the whole wedding cost.  

You tip-toe out of bed to secretly go on YouTube and laugh hysterically at old clips of 'The Three Stooges', 'Blazing Saddles', and snippets from the 'Howard Stern Radio Show' from the early 1980s.

You cease to mix self-consciousness with your propensity to sing Rat Pack tunes. 

You say, “I don’t need to buy any new clothes, mine still fit and are in style”, despite the fact that you bought them 15 years ago, they have holes, and a plume of dust emits every time someone pats your shoulder.

No matter how perfect the meal is, you always find a reason to complain to the waiter at the restaurant.  

When watching football or professional wrestling, after a big hit, you say "oh, I felt that!"

You have developed a super power called "the ability to completely tune out nagging".   

When you forget to bring a plastic bag when you're walking the dog, you shamelessly just use your hands to clean up after the pooch.

You buy a paper copy of the New York Times every day to “keep the gray old lady in business”, even though you own an iPod, iPad, and MacBook.

You fall asleep at Barnes and Nobles while reading Chiam Potok and Mitch Albom books---except the Barnes and Nobles store has been a NikeTown for a year and you're just passed-out in the middle of a shoe store. 

When a salesman tells you the price of a car, the least likely thing you will say is "sounds great, I'll take it right now!"

You have no inner monologue when it comes to discussing your health issues.
You have been told more than once this week to trim your nose hair.  

When your children tell you about a new friend they made, you immediately ask them, "What does their Daddy do?"

You have children and love them as much as you complain about them when you’re taking a schvitz.