April 29, 2011

Jerry Seinfeld Celebrates 57th Birthday Alone; Friends Watching Royal Wedding

NEW YORK, NY - (The Comedy New) - Comedian Jerry Seinfeld celebrated his 57th birthday today all by himself due to all of his friends being too captivated by the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.  

"What's the deal with turning 57?" Lamented Seinfeld, sporting a multi-colored cone-shaped birthday hat.  "If you're gonna ditch a birthday party to watch a wedding, you don't do it on someone's 57th birthday.  That's like their Heinz Ketchup birthday."

Seinfeld had arranged to have 47 of his closest friends attend a birthday party at Old Homestead Steakhouse in the Chelsea district of New York.  He ordered Kobe beef burgers for all of the guests who had indicated that they would attend---burgers which cost $41 each.

"Had I known that my Heinz Ketchup birthday was gonna be marred by a rather distracting royal wedding, I would have had my mom give birth to me on another day, like May 1st.  No one celebrates May Day anymore," Seinfeld continued, dejectedly dipping his tater tot into a splotch of ketchup on one of the 47 placemats at the long steakhouse table.  

Seinfeld recalled that the last time he had zero attendees at his birthday party was his 38th birthday party on April 29,1992.  On that day,  the Los Angeles riots ruined Seinfeld's plans to have all of his friends have ice cream cake and see "Seinfeld" co-star Michael Richards perform at the Laugh Factory. 

April 28, 2011

King Ralph Snubbed from Royal Wedding Guestlist

BRIXTON, UK – (The Comedy News) – King Ralph, the lazy portly American slob who had a brief stint as King of England in 1991, has announced that he was not invited to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton this weekend.  

“I’m not really that offended,” explained Ralph, now a bouncer at Morris’ Tavern in Brixton.   I never really liked weddings anyways.  Except for the food and spirits.”

When asked what the best food he ever had at a wedding, King Ralph replied, “I was invited to Victoria and David Beckham’s wedding.  The dessert cart had all-you-can eat spotted dick.”

April 27, 2011

Donald Trump Unveils His Official Douchebag Certification Papers

“There Is No Doubt That I’m The Biggest Douchebag In America ”

CONCORD, NH – (The Comedy News) – Just hours after President Barack Obama released a certified copy of his birth certificate, billionaire Donald Trump unveiled his offiical credentials certifying himself as one of the largest douchebags alive today.

“There have been egregious doubts that I am an enormous douchebag that bulldozes the poor and marries any bipedal blond dame just for publicity,” announced Trump at a press conference in New Hampshire.   “Today, we silence those doubts.  I might just be the biggest douchebag in America.”

The Douchebags Incorporated Conglomerate Klub Society, otherwise known as the D.I.C.K.S., released the parchment certification this afternoon, mostly to suppress rumors that Trump may be an altruistic individual that is a viable candidate for public office.   The parchment was made from the skin of a laborador retriever puppy, and is encrusted with diamonds and written with ink from a live Octopus. 

According to the D.I.C.K.S. communications director, Trump’s level of douchebaggery was in question following his purported run for the Oval Office in 2012.  

“People have always said Donald’s a douche.  That’s expected---he’s a dumb celebrity feigning to be a real estate genius, and has been for many years,” defended the D.I.C.K.S. communications director, Sylvester Stallone-Gibson.   “But there have been doubts over the years that maybe putting up homes and vacation spots shows a congenial, altruistic man behind the rancid combover.  And the D.I.C.K.S.’ mission is to certify these douchebags of society so they can be accepted into various organizations that  require a douchebag certification clearance. ” 

The organizations that require a douchebag certification clearance include Goldman Sachs, the Masters Golf Club, the roadies for the Artist formerly known as “Prince”, BMW of North America, and the University of Southern California athletic department.   

Career politicians are typically not eligible to get official douchebag certification from the D.I.C.K.S.  since they are already guaranteed the “douchebag” label from roughly half of their constituents.   Trump’s foray into politics recently has forced the D.I.C.K.S. to make clear that if Trump does become an official Presidential candidate, he always will be the certified douchebag that he has been for his entire life. 

Other members of the Douchebags Incorporated Conglomerate Klub Society  include Benjamin Franklin, Henry Paulson (former Goldman Sachs CEO), Jack Valenti (MPAA founder), “comedian” Andrew Dice Clay, Dallas Mavricks owner Mark Cuban, Michael Lohan (father of Academy Award repellant Lindsey Lohan), and reality TV star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.  

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April 26, 2011

William and Kate To Just Honeymoon in London

"We're going to spend a week in London, and another week being tourists around the rest of England," announced Middleton, with her husband-to-be by her side.  "I've lived here my whole life, but have never ever condescended to the level of appreciating the famed tourist attractions of my home country."

The royal couple plans to start their honeymoon at the location of the ceremony, Westminster Abbey.  The 90-minute audio tour will include architectural facts about the gothic church, as well as a walk-by of the internment sites of Queen Elizabeth, Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, and Charles Darwin. 

"I really want to take a photograph of me sitting in King Edward's Chair, but I don't think William will let me.  He always scorns me for being too much of a tourist," scoffed Middleton, while brandishing her new fannypack and sun visor.  "And then, I want to take a picture next to the Big Ben clock tower." 

William expects Kate to learn on the tour that Big Ben refers to the bell behind the clock at the Palace at Westminster, not the clock.

"I'm most excited for a visit to Wembley Stadium," Prince William smiled as he revealed further plans of their honeymoon.  "I haven't been to Wembley since Daddy [Prince Charles] took [Prince] Harry and I to see WWE's Summerslam back in 1992.  Mom didn't go, however.  She was a WCW fan."

Other events on the honeymoon itinerary will include taking lots of new 'profile pics' for facebook at Stonehenge, and several nauseating pictures of the two of them inside a red telephone box.  

The honeymoon will conclude with a quick seminar at Oxford University.  Prince William and Kate will be taking a three-hour course on the standard units of measurement in preparation for their upcoming move to Los Angeles where they plan on getting divorced in June. 

April 19, 2011

Super-Reform Jewish Family Confuses Passover with Yom Kippur

Family Butchers Story of Passover, Fasts for a Day

SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH - (The Comedy News) – It was another confused foodless Passover seder at the Shapiro house this year.  

The super-reform Jewish family is not known for being very observant of the Jewish holidays and festivals, but for the second year in a row, they were motivated to give the festival celebrating the Jews’ liberation from slavery in Egypt a try.  

Unfortunately for the Shapiros and their 17 guests, they confused the rituals of Passover with Yom Kippur.  

Matzah was nowhere in sight.  They did not mention Moses even once.  

There was no maror, charoset, karpas, or even shank bone on the dining room table.  Gefilte fish sat in the refrigerator, and chocolate mousse cake was only a dream.  The wine glasses were all tucked away in a wooden cabinet that gazed over the confused gatherers.  

“Erev tov,”  Maury Shapiro announced to his family and guests.  “As we begin our Passover fast, we beg the Lord for atonement for our sins and celebrate our people’s liberation from bondage in Egypt.  And inscribed in the book of life we shall be.  Dayenu!”    

Passover is typically celebrated by a large feast, and is characterized by its lack of leavened bread---and lasts for an entire week.  Yom Kippur involves fasting without food or drink to atone for the sins from the past year, lasts for only a day, and takes place typically in the late summer or early fall months.  

Christopher McDougall, the boyfriend of Maury’s daughter Amy, was the only guest who had a suspicion that the Passover seder was grossly confused with another holiday. 

"Shouldn't there be matzah, and singing, and wine, and herbs?"  Inquired McDougall, an Irish Catholic and the only non-Jew at the table.   Murmurs of 'oy the goy', 'schpilkes', and 'Hamen'  became audible from the sneering others at the table.  

"Hasn't anyone ever seen that episode of The Rugrats where Grandpa Boris tells the story of Passover?  I think you Shapiros are---."  McDougall was cut off by his quietly embarrassed girlfriend. 

Following a recitation of a Torah portion from his Bar Mitzvah in 1974, Maury led the family and guests to the deck in the back of the house, where a three-walled sukkah stood.   There, they lit menorahs, exchanged gifts, and played dreidel until the next sunset. 

April 13, 2011

3-Day Waiting Period Now Required Before Buying A Ski-mask

DOJ:  "Background Checks Will Prevent Ski-masks from Going into Hands of Criminals"

VAIL, COLORADO - (The Comedy News) - The Department of Justice has had enough of ski-masks shrouding criminals' identities.  Starting July 1, ski apparel shops will be required to conduct a 3-day background check on any customers attempting to purchase a ski-mask. 

"The Justice Department, FBI, and law enforcement agencies throughout the country have waited a long time to mandate background checks for ski-mask purchases," announced a Justice Department spokesman.  "Background checks will prevent ski-masks from going into hands of criminals.  Rest assured, the only people this will affect is the very very few people who are already plotting crimes that involve wearing a ski-mask." 

Ski-masks have commonly been worn by criminals while they do their illegal acts.  Studies have shown that people that frequently participate in outdoor winter activities and purchase ski-masks are most likely to use their ski-mask for those winter activities only. 

There are some skiers, snowboarders and snowmobilers who fear that if they do not have an active record of being an winter outdoorsmen, they will not be sold a skimask.

"This is like so redic, man, a ski-mask never hurt anyone" lamented semi-professional snowboarder Dustin Lark.  "Hold on, so...if I like, stop skiing for say, the summer?  Will I lose my ski-mask license?  Wait, so I need a ski-mask license now?"

The Justice Department is certain that the 'Ski-Mask Background Check Act of 2011' will be a fine addition to many other blanket laws that incarcerate the wrong people but will seem like an intriguing talking point on a PowerPoint presentation.

April 12, 2011

The Best of the Worst Books Left on the Shelves at Borders

A Journey Through the Inventory of a Bankrupt Bookseller

WASHINGTON, DC - (The Comedy News) - As Borders bookstores close nationwide, customers have flocked to take advantage of the firesales to get rid of any remaining merchandise.  With discounts as high as 80% off, print edition bestsellers and classics are flying off of Borders' shelves.

There may not be any Tom Clancy or Dan Brown novels, or any Obama biopics on the shelves.  But what remains is a treasure trove of many forgotten books that should and will be judged by their covers:  

"I Dreamed a Dream" - A biopic on Susan Boyle and how she swooned Simon Cowell with her immaculate voice and potential for a makeover spin-off.

"The Futurist" - James Cameron's how-to book on making over-priced post-apocalyptic films with enough revenue to fix the U.S. economy.

"Those '70s Shows:  TV Trivia & Puzzles" - A must have for M*A*S*H* enthusiasts, Mork & Mindy fans, and all the most fascinating facts about those episodes of The Brady Bunch that people watched between moon landings.  

"The Ultimate Metallica Etc. Etc. Etc." - A tell-all about Lars Ulrich's jihad against Napster, as well as life after that time when they got drunk, gave each other haircuts, and made a pact to make their music unbearable. 

 "Texts from Last Night" - A print edition of the viral website's best posts.  Has been a hit with elderly readers who have no internet access, but want to read all about regrettable sexcapades and drunken debauchery. 

"Serious as Dog Dirt" - Bam Margera's first book.  After it was published, he set the first 1,000 copies on fire and skateboarded over the flames. 

"Simon Cowell" - The American Idol judge's biopic was originally going to be titled "Mein Kampf:  The Art of Spreading Discouragement". 
 "How to Boil Water" - A 600-page start-to-finish manual that takes readers from buying a pot at Target all the way up to their own kitchen where the water-boiling process starts to get really complicated. 
  "The Purpose of Christmas" -  An audiobook featuring children from around the world indiscriminately yelling "Presents, Playstation, iPad" all at once, in 59 languages, for 9 hours. 

"No Limits" - An audiobook of  Olympic gold-medalist Michael Phelps singing "Hail to the Victors" and offering dieting advice to people who are forced to swim for 18 hours per day by overbearing parents. 

 "The First Book of Seconds" - Some economists believe that being second-best is the new first place.  Profiles include George Harrison, the Buffalo Bills, and Saving Private Ryan at the 1999 Oscars. 

"Why You Should Store Your Farts in a Jar" - Martha Stewart was originally going to write this one and include recipes in the back. 

"Why Dogs Eat Poop" -  A sociological explanation for the age-old question. 

Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, and Newt Gingrich are authors of some of the only remaining mainstream hold-outs on the Borders shelves.   (Click Photo to Zoom In) 

 "Here's the Situation" - Mike Sorrentino's journey from being a 5-year-old brat punk to an all-American douchebag that embarrasses himself on Comedy Central.

"Fist Pump" - A dance-instruction manual for disciples of the Jersey Shore.  

"Roseannearchy" - Roseanne Barr's screenplay for a film where the earth is destroyed after she's elected to some public office somewhere.


"Win Forever" - Coach Pete Carroll discusses how to use money and cars to get his way both on and off the football field.  Mixed in is a little bit of community service just so readers don't think Coach Carroll is a complete scumbag jerk, only a partial one. 

Yitgadal v' yitkadash

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April 8, 2011

John Boehner Becomes Cheetos Spokesman

PLANO, TX - (The Comedy News)  Frito-Lay Inc. announced today that Speaker of the House John Boehner will become the newest spokesman for their snack food product, Cheetos.  

"Speaker Boehner is known recognizable as the most powerful orange person in the world," announced Frito-Lay marketing director Stanley Bridges.  "Boehner's prominence, combined with that delicious crunchy cheesetastic taste of Cheetos will bring our products to many new markets."

Chester Cheetah, the reigning spokesman for Cheetos, has been skeptical about his new tag-team marketing partner.  

"Boehner has a lot to prove before he wins my respect as a Cheetos spokesman," explained Cheetah, after a staged photo-shoot with Boehner.   "He's orange.  I get it.  He cries alot.  Some see it as endearing.  But  he's also from Ohio.  And I've seen his legislative tactics, they seldom produce results.  That Boehner is dangerously cheesy."

Speaker Boehner holds a residence in West Chester, Ohio.  He is rumored to be taking up the nickname, "The West Chester Cheetah".   However, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office rejected his application due to his unabridged enthusiasm to shut down them and every other Federal Government entity.