April 13, 2011

3-Day Waiting Period Now Required Before Buying A Ski-mask

DOJ:  "Background Checks Will Prevent Ski-masks from Going into Hands of Criminals"

VAIL, COLORADO - (The Comedy News) - The Department of Justice has had enough of ski-masks shrouding criminals' identities.  Starting July 1, ski apparel shops will be required to conduct a 3-day background check on any customers attempting to purchase a ski-mask. 

"The Justice Department, FBI, and law enforcement agencies throughout the country have waited a long time to mandate background checks for ski-mask purchases," announced a Justice Department spokesman.  "Background checks will prevent ski-masks from going into hands of criminals.  Rest assured, the only people this will affect is the very very few people who are already plotting crimes that involve wearing a ski-mask." 

Ski-masks have commonly been worn by criminals while they do their illegal acts.  Studies have shown that people that frequently participate in outdoor winter activities and purchase ski-masks are most likely to use their ski-mask for those winter activities only. 

There are some skiers, snowboarders and snowmobilers who fear that if they do not have an active record of being an winter outdoorsmen, they will not be sold a skimask.

"This is like so redic, man, a ski-mask never hurt anyone" lamented semi-professional snowboarder Dustin Lark.  "Hold on, so...if I like, stop skiing for say, the summer?  Will I lose my ski-mask license?  Wait, so I need a ski-mask license now?"

The Justice Department is certain that the 'Ski-Mask Background Check Act of 2011' will be a fine addition to many other blanket laws that incarcerate the wrong people but will seem like an intriguing talking point on a PowerPoint presentation.