April 19, 2011

Super-Reform Jewish Family Confuses Passover with Yom Kippur

Family Butchers Story of Passover, Fasts for a Day

SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH - (The Comedy News) – It was another confused foodless Passover seder at the Shapiro house this year.  

The super-reform Jewish family is not known for being very observant of the Jewish holidays and festivals, but for the second year in a row, they were motivated to give the festival celebrating the Jews’ liberation from slavery in Egypt a try.  

Unfortunately for the Shapiros and their 17 guests, they confused the rituals of Passover with Yom Kippur.  

Matzah was nowhere in sight.  They did not mention Moses even once.  

There was no maror, charoset, karpas, or even shank bone on the dining room table.  Gefilte fish sat in the refrigerator, and chocolate mousse cake was only a dream.  The wine glasses were all tucked away in a wooden cabinet that gazed over the confused gatherers.  

“Erev tov,”  Maury Shapiro announced to his family and guests.  “As we begin our Passover fast, we beg the Lord for atonement for our sins and celebrate our people’s liberation from bondage in Egypt.  And inscribed in the book of life we shall be.  Dayenu!”    

Passover is typically celebrated by a large feast, and is characterized by its lack of leavened bread---and lasts for an entire week.  Yom Kippur involves fasting without food or drink to atone for the sins from the past year, lasts for only a day, and takes place typically in the late summer or early fall months.  

Christopher McDougall, the boyfriend of Maury’s daughter Amy, was the only guest who had a suspicion that the Passover seder was grossly confused with another holiday. 

"Shouldn't there be matzah, and singing, and wine, and herbs?"  Inquired McDougall, an Irish Catholic and the only non-Jew at the table.   Murmurs of 'oy the goy', 'schpilkes', and 'Hamen'  became audible from the sneering others at the table.  

"Hasn't anyone ever seen that episode of The Rugrats where Grandpa Boris tells the story of Passover?  I think you Shapiros are---."  McDougall was cut off by his quietly embarrassed girlfriend. 

Following a recitation of a Torah portion from his Bar Mitzvah in 1974, Maury led the family and guests to the deck in the back of the house, where a three-walled sukkah stood.   There, they lit menorahs, exchanged gifts, and played dreidel until the next sunset.