October 17, 2012

Obama Quotes Eminem from "8 Mile" in Debate 2 with Romney

HEMPSTEAD, NY (@The Comedy News) - At Tuesday night's debate at Hofstra University, President Obama channeled the lyrics of rap star Eminiem to scrutinize his opponent Mitt Romney's ability to relate to average Americans.

Following an admission that the economy still needs work and that he himself is not perfect, Obama directed a lyrical jab at Romney: 
 Don't ever try to judge me dude, you don't know what the fuck I've been through!  But I know something about you...  You went to Cranbrook, that's a private school!
Obama's rhythmic charge refers to Romney's days at Cranbrook, a privileged private high school in suburban Detroit---where annual tuition is over $50,000.  While at Cranbrook, Romney infamously and maliciously pinned down a gay student and shaved his head against his will.

The lyric comes from the 2002 film, 8 Mile, loosely based on the early days of rap star, Marshall "Eminem" Mathers. (Video clip)

Romney's response to the Cranbrook comment was, "Oh come on, it was either Cranbrook or a dumpy ass public school.  Pshhh."

October 16, 2012

Girl on Vacation Not Sure If Her Friends Are Jealous Yet

CABO SAN LUCAS, MEX. - (@The Comedy News)  Stacey DiPalo, a senior at Arizona State University has been spending the last week in Cabo San Lucas with two of her friends from high school.

But the last three days have been a bit confusing for the 20-year-old sorority girl:  she is not quite sure if her friends back home are jealous of her vacation yet.  

"The first day we were traveling to Mexico, my friends were like, liking the shit out of my status updates," describes Stacey, referring to her check-in on both Facebook and FourSquare at Sky Harbor International Airport. "But since I arrived I haven't received a single like from like anyone.  Maybe there's like a time difference or something?"

Cabo is only one hour ahead of Tempe, Arizona, where Stacey's friends still at school seem to be ignoring her social media updates from where she refers to as, "PiƱa Colada Paradise". 

Today, Stacey posted a photograph of the view of the beach from her hotel, her breakfast of huevos rancheros and avocado, and a picture of Stacey doing body shots with what appears to be Detroit Lions quarterback Matt Stafford.  But to Stacey's dismay, there wasn't a single comment or like.  

"I think people may have forgotten that I am on vacation #jealousofme," Stacey tweeted to her 147 followers.  "Instagram me at StaceyFacey for pics of me getting humped by a Dolphin!  A Dolphin!" Stacey wrote 23 minutes later. 

Calls to Stacey's friends about whether they were jealous of Stacey's vacation posts just yet were not returned.  Stacey has advised reporters that this might be a sign of jealousy. 

Stacey's Facebook friend list has dropped by 13 in the past four days, leading Stacey to believe that indeed her friends are jealous of her vacation posts. 

October 8, 2012

Romney Campaign Unveils "Gaffe Proof" Teleprompter for Next Presidential Debate

DENVER, COLORADO - (@TheComedyNews) -  After the debate last Wednesday, the Romney campaign unveiled its latest tool from their presidential candidate by default sandbox:  a supposed "gaffe proof" teleprompter. The crude design is simply two etch-a-sketch units super glued together and duct taped around a mic stand. 

The teleprompter, which sources close to the campaign say is designed to keep Romney's responses within time limit and on message during the debates, is comprised of two messages. One reads "sorry=bad" while the other reads "no specifics." And if that's not enough, two secondary etch-a-sketches are on stand-by and read, "You are rubber, Bush is glue" and "blame B. Hussein Obama."

These teleprompters are seen by many as an example of the type of fiscal spending the Romney presidency could bring to Washington. Representative Darrel Issa agreed by saying, "Romney's campaign has saved more money by following conservative policies, while the POTUS has a tax payer-funded $2000-a-day burn rate----- and that's just for shopping sprees and  Bieber tickets for the FLOTUS and those two children of theirs."

The Romney camp hopes the prompters will ensure facts and correct context will be injected into the debates. Fears have been growing in the campaign that Romney's words and postmortem jokes taken as actual statements by news affiliates will be treated with the same prejudice Barack Obama receives when he uses a teleprompter for speeches. 

The Obama campaign lobbied a weak counter argument, similar to the President's debate performance, to this momentous presidential race shake-up by issuing the following statement:   "teleprompters aren't typically used in debates but....okay, fine." 

Either way you slice it, the second presidential debate just got more DVR worthy.

By J.N.

October 4, 2012

Big Bird Befriends Burt Reynolds in Unemployment Line

NEW YORK, NY - (@The Comedy News) - Unemployed Sesame Street star Big Bird has become good friends with unemployed movie star Burt Reynolds.

"We became pals while waiting in line for our unemployment checks," explains Big Bird, 43, who was laid off due to cuts to Public Broadcasting.  "Burt's been out of work since January when he did a brief voiceover on Archer."

Big Bird explained that in addition to being unemployed, he recently had a big fight with one of his long time friends Snuffleupagus.  Snuffie (as his friends call him) recently changed ideologies, as he was paid personally by Republican Mitt Romney to be a live-action mascot for the Republican party.

"Snuff, that turn-coat prick.  I hope his new friend Mitt Romney pins him down and shaves his bloated elephant-freak body," huffed Big Bird, while lighting a cigarette at the Midtown Manhattan Unemployment Insurance Agency.  "I'm not bitter, I have a new pal, he's just as unemployed and washed-out as me.  Burt Reynolds!"

Reynolds admits that he is enjoying his new friendship with Sesame Street's friendliest bird. 

"Bird's a good guy.  Or girl, not really sure.  Frankly I don't really care.  He's good shit, keeps me company. Ya know, in line and stuff," said Reynolds.

Later in the day, Big Bird and Reynolds purchased sunflower seeds and Jameson, which they consumed while making rude passes at park-goers in Central Park.