April 24, 2013

SURVEY: Why Am I Leaving Work Early?

A survey company asked 1,000 random Americans why they have sneaked out of work early over the past year.  The most common answers are listed below:  

  • Gotta get the best spot to stand at Fight Club.
  • Drug dealer asked me to hurry.
  • Mom's house, mom's rules.
  • Trying to impress parole officer with punctuality.
  • So no one I know sees me buying a ticket to see Scary Movie 5
  • Recreational softball is not 'just a game'.
  • Cats might get moody if I'm late for dinner again.
  • Must return red Ferrari before friends' dead-beat Dad notices it's missing.
  • Much easier to pad billable hours when no one is looking.
  • Wal-Mart having a going-out-of-business sale.
  • Attend Macaulay Culkin book-talk and autograph signing.
  • To throw some singles at the stripper before visiting the wife and kids.
  • To moonlight at our other subsistence wage job
  • To try to beat traffic, only to discover that everyone on the road did the exact same thing.
  • Got the extra hour off thanks to sequestration furloughs
  • To avoid having our boss give us 4 hours of last minute work at 4:55

April 3, 2013

13 Thoughts That Will Make You Feel Old at a Bar/Bat Mitzvah in 2013

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News)  Going to a bar or bat Mitzvah this year?  The kid reading from the Torah was likely born in the year 2000 or 2001.  To put that into perspective, here are 13 thoughts you might have that will make you feel a bit old and grizzled: 

1)  "Those sexy dancers and shiny-vest DJs I fawned over at my friends' bar/bat mitzvahs?  They're approaching 40." 

2)  "The bar/bat mitzvah kid never practiced their Haftorah using a tape recorder---they haven't even heard of one."

3)  "'Gangnam Style', 'Dougie', 'Crank That Soulja Boy'?  In my day, we did 'The Macarana', 'The Electric Slide', and 'Achy Breaky Heart'.

4)  "If I were that kid's parent, I would never let them wear those skimpy sequined hotpants".

5)  "Titanic had already been released for 3 years by time the bar/bat Mitzvah kid was born."

6)   "It will be the year 2024 by time the bar/bat Mitzvah kid graduates college.  And it will cost $200,000 per year just for public school." 

7)  "None of the kids can remember the release of any of the Harry Potter books." 

8)  "YouTube video invitations?  I remember trying to pick out the coolest postage stamps for my invitations."

9)  "I don't have a single digital photo from my bar/bat mitzvah.  All of mine are printed in photo albums."

10)  "When the bar/bat Mitzvah kid was born, Bill Clinton was just leaving the White House and Ariel Sharon had just taken power in Israel."

11)  "I'm tired and sick of talking about my job.  I need to get home to feed my cats."

12)  "Are the people at my table talking about Bed Bath and Beyond?  I should tell them that I'll be there too on Sunday, shopping for lamps."

13)  "Oh wait I know this song!  Madonna!  Aw dammit, it was just a 30-second snippet in some crappy Skrillex dubstep remix.  I wish they would turn the volume down."