January 24, 2011

Urlacher: "I Should Have Played QB In The NFC Championship"

Brian Urlacher tries to throw a pass for the Chicago Bears
CHICAGO, IL - (The Comedy News) - Following the Chicago Bears' 21-14 loss to the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship game, Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher suggested that he should have played quarterback for most of the game.

"I'm definitely better than Jay [Cutler] is," proclaimed Urlacher. "I'm huge, bald, scary, and I can read defense. I'm older too. Five whole years older. That alone makes me a better quarterback than Cutler," argued the 7-time pro-bowler.

The Bears' starting quarterback, Jay Cutler, left the NFC Championship game with an MCL sprain to his knee. His resilience of mind and ability to resist showing any signs of pain have lead many of his fans to believe that Cutler faked the injury to get out of being liable for the inevitable Bears loss. As a result, the Bears were forced to play their second and third-string quarterbacks, Todd Collins and Caleb Hanie, for the remainder of the game.

The Bears' backup quarterbacks' lack of physical strength and knowledge of the game of football has lead their team mate, Urlacher to believe that he would have led the Bears to victory had he played quarterback in place of Cutler.

"If [head coach] Lovie [Smith] put me in, first play, I would have done a flea-flicker---run fake and than bam, boom, bomb. Boohyah touchdown pass to Devin Hester. I would have also insisted that I kick the ensuing onside-kick. I've never done a kickoff before, but I have a lot of beginners luck," boasted Urlacher.

Although Urlacher is not expected to play quarterback anytime soon, he will be a starting linebacker for the NFC in the Pro Bowl All-Star game this coming Sunday in Hawaii. During the 9-hour flight from O'Hare Airport to Honolulu, Urlacher plans on listening to his favorite songs from the Rudy soundtrack and some Metallica as he imagines what it would have been like to play quarterback for the Bears in the most important game they will ever lose.

January 19, 2011

Bears and Packers Fans Figure Out How They Can Help Their Team Win

CHICAGO, IL - (The Comedy News) - Most people know that as a fan, there is not much they can to to affect the outcome of a sporting event from the stands. In most instances, fans have run onto the playing field or scream at the top of their lungs during a key point of the game to make a difference. For the upcoming Bears-Packers NFC Championship game this Sunday, fans of both sides are thinking of ways to ensure a victory for their team.

Bears Fans’ Keys to Victory:

1) Pretend that everything with cheese on it is just a part of another obscure Gino’s East of Chicago Pizza.

2) Putting a Bears hat, mustache, and beer gut on the Michael Jordan statue outside the United Center.

3) Convince Brett Favre to sign a one-game contract with the Bears.

4) Start calling head coach Lovie Smith by his real first name, Lovable, just to fire him up.

5) Sing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” in the stands between the third and fourth quarters.

Packers Fans’ Keys to Victory:

1) Start a donation fund to help Packers team buses pay for the $10,000+ in tolls on the Eisenhower Expressway.

2) Put a Cheesehead, big dirty beard, and beer gut on the Fonzie statue in downtown Milwaukee.

3) Get an estimate from Rod Blagojevich as to how much it would cost in cash and iTunes gift cards to have the Bears throw the game to the Packers.

4) Bring extra bottles of Miller High Llife for the Packers’ sideline, because John Kuhn runs swifter when he’s had a few cold ones.

5) Have Lavergne and Shirley beat the crap out of Balki and Larry in a pregame 2-on-2 ultimate fighting match to fire-up the Packers.

January 15, 2011

"Ferris Bueller Museum Should Open in 2011," Dreams Two Fans

HIGHLAND PARK, IL - (The Comedy News) Two huge fans of John Hughes' teen classic Ferris Bueller's Day Off spent an afternoon discussing how awesome it would be to start a Ferris Bueller Museum.

Jonathan and Jacob Rabin, 21 and 25 respectively, considered using their parents' money to purchase the house that was used as Cameron Frye's home in 1986 film. The $1.63 million dollar house on 370 Beach Street in Highland Park, Illinois would be the site of making their dream a reality.

The 58-year-old home, officially known as the "Ben Rose Home", would be stripped of its four bedrooms and 4 bathrooms converted into the Ferris Bueller Museum. It has been on the selling blocks for over a year now.

Attractions that would be included are the various outfits that Ferris wore throughout the film, a wax model of Matthew Broderick in a towel and wearing a towel wrapped on his head, and the #9 Detroit Red Wings Gordie Howe jersey Allan Ruck wore for the duration of the film.

Also included in the museum's collection would be the blue, torn, bloody and muddy suit that was worn by Jeffrey Jones' character, the bumbling Principal Edward Rooney. It is very likely that the original Ferrari that crashed through the glass garage at the end of the film (spoiler alert) is missing. However, two replicas can be built --- one Ferrari in the garage, and the other in the impact area of the ravine that it fell into.

There could also be interactive activities for children such as a 'Freak Out Like Cameron' video booth, and a 'Shake It Up Baby' and 'Danke Schoen' karaoke and parade set. The would-be founders also thought of a suggestion wall for what people think happened to Abe Froman's party when they arrived Restaurante Chez Luis--- after Ferris and friends conspired to take his reservation.

"The museum would be just like Cameron's house was in the film. Very cold and very beautiful. And you won't be allowed to touch anything," Jonathan Rabin wishfully dreamed.

The museum would open on the 25th anniversary of the film's release-- June 11th, 2011 with Matthew Broderick, his wife Sarah Jessica Parker Broderick, Allen Ruck, Ben Stein, and Mia Sara in attendance. The museum's founders would encourage high school students to skip a day of school to enjoy the Ferris Bueller Museum. There would also be coupons available for students who skip school to go to the museum nine times or more.

-High Kneesniffer

"NFL Sit 360" Encourages Fans To Just Sit And Watch Football For 6 Hours A Week

"360 Minutes of Sitting, Eating, and Just Watching TV." 

NEW YORK, NY - (@The Comedy News) - The National Football League is encouraging football fans of all ages to participate in its "NFL Sit 360" program by watching at least 360 minutes of football per week.

"Six hours per week. That's two full football games. That's all it will take for adults to be the lazy, unmotivated, out-of-shape fan we need them to be," an NFL spokesman told reporters. "We at the NFL believe it's important for our fans to commit a full 360 minutes to watching the beautiful game. Join "NFL Sit 360!"

Contrary to this, the NFL made headlines in 2010 by instituting "NFL Play 60", encouraging children to take part in sixty minutes of physical activity per day to combat childhood obesity. For many children, the "Play 60" program led to 420 minutes per week of physical activity which undoubtedly helped keep many children at an optimal weight.

There was a major problem for the NFL with their "Play 60" program. The 420 minute per week mandate that NFL "Play 60" advocated led to a 40% decrease in TV viewership and attendance for NFL football games. This was presumably because parents were driving and supervising their children during their activities, and children were developing interests that did not include sitting and watching NFL football games. From there, the NFL developed their "Sit 360" program.

The TV Commercial Transcribed reads:

"NFL 'Sit 360' wants you to take 360 minutes per week and set it aside. You can sit, lay down, eat, drink, and even surf the internet while you earn your minutes for NFL 'Sit 360'. We know you can do it. You don't even need to get out of bed. We need you do this. Really, we NEED you to. NFL Sit 360."

The primary spokesmen for the NFL "Sit 360" program are former Packers nose tackle Gilbert Brown, former Raider and Buccaneer Warren Sapp, and Super Bowl XX hero William "The Refrigerator" Perry of the Chicago Bears.

January 13, 2011

John Boehner's Acting Career

House Speaker Played Warden in 'Shawshank Redemption'

WEST CHESTER, OH - (The Comedy News) - In the midst of his third term as a member of Congress for Ohio, then Representative John Boehner took some time to pursue a little-known hobby of his: acting.

In the winter of 1994, Boehner was cast as Warden Samuel Norton of Shawshank Prison, a fictional prison in the state of Maine during the 1940s. There, he would act opposite renowned actors such as Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman, and Clancy Brown.

"Making Shawshank was so much fun to do. We in Congress were pretty sure there would be a republican revolution in November, so I made sure that I could take some free time to try a side project," explained the House Speaker. "Stephen King, who wrote the original novella, Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption, called me on the car phone. Said, 'I want you, John. I want you to be Warden Norton in Shawshank.' I did the role, the flick was great, the rest is history. I also haven't worn thick-rimmed glasses since then. Not my best look!"

The highly acclaimed film was nominated for seven Academy Awards, but did not win a single one of them. The year 1994 did have several classics that Shawshank went up against, such as Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, Speed, and Dumb and Dumber.

Speaker Boehner did not indicate that he intends to act anywhere in the near future other than the House of Representatives floor.

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January 11, 2011

Weather Channel Still Having Capslock Issues

COBB COUNTY, GA - (The Comedy News) - The Weather Channel's capslock woes continue to plague their severe weather advisory notices.

Since 1982, the preeminent voice in weather-related news has been unable to issue severe weather disclaimers using lower-case letters.

"We take severe weather very seriously," explained a Weather Channel employee. "At first, we thought that having a capslock problem with our computers would make our written weather updates look grammatically incorrect."

With the advent of written conversation, capslock is now associated with yelling. The Weather Channel would now like to think that they are yelling all of their severe weather updates.


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January 10, 2011

David Akers Forced By Team Mates To Dress As Scooby Doo, Wait For Vick

PHILADELPHIA, PA - (@TheComedyNews) - After missing two key field goal kicks in a playoff loss to the Green Bay Packers, Philadelphia Eagles placekicker David Akers was forced by his team mates to dress up in a Scooby Doo costume and "wait for a special message from Michael Vick".

It is believed that Eagles quarterback Michael Vick will be avenging the City of Brotherly Love's contempt for Akers' sub-par performance during Sunday's playoff loss. Akers was told to go to the team locker room, alone, and in a Scooby Doo costume. There, Akers will await the arrival Michael Vick with a 'special message'.

"Oh this is not good, not good, nuh uh," trembled Akers while clutching the beige dog tail. "If there's anything Michael doesn't like, it's dogs and playoff defeat. And now I just wreak of both."

January 7, 2011

Nicholas Cage Celebrates Birthday With Explosions, Car Chase

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - (@The Comedy News) To celebrate his 47th birthday today, actor Nicholas Cage indulged in setting off an array of explosions and concluding the day with a car chase.

"I fell in love with explosions while making The Rock back in '96. The boom. The bam. The wow. A big fiery ball of incredible. I want lots of those for my big 4-7 birthday," explained Cage while defusing a rocket of VX nerve gas in his Beverly Hills garage. "Birthdays aren't any fun, are they? Join the Nicholas Cage party side! Blow some shit up, whattya say?" He excitedly grinned with his eyes wide open.

Last year on January 7, Cage celebrated his birthday by riding on a U.S. Marshalls plane carrying prisoners to the super-maximum prison in Florence, Colorado. He was disappointed when he learned that he could not set the prison transferees free for his own amusement. Cage's 44th birthday entailed a museum scavenger hunt from Washington, D.C. to Philadelphia, to New York. That party was cut short due to Cage getting arrested for attempting to steal various museum artifacts.

"Travolta and Connery are coming over later on, and we're gonna have a big ol' car chase down Santa Monica Boulevard to Venice. We're gonna wreck half of L.A.! We'll run stop lights and speed through school zones at about 3:00 PM. Connery's got a stolen Humvee, Travolta's gonna drive a police car, and I'll be in a yellow Ferrari."

After Connery leaves to get to bed early, Cage and Travolta are going to keep the birthday celebrations going by switching clothes, IDs, wives, kids, and faces and then leaving on plane to Las Vegas to drink themselves to death.