December 27, 2010

Los Angeles Bars Will Run Out of Beer on New Year’s Eve

LOS ANGELES, CA – (The Comedy News) – Due to the expected high turnout of Wisconsinites and Texans for the Rose Bowl this weekend, all the bars in the greater Los Angeles area anticipate completely running out of beer by 7:22 PM (PST) on December 31st.

“The owners of the more than three-thousand bars, taverns, and clubs throughout Los Angeles are pretty nervous about what will happen on New Year's Eve when all of our beer taps run dry,” said Lyle Gonzales-Moore, spokesman for the Southern California Tavern Association.  

December 22, 2010

Vice President Biden Literally Breaks a Tie in Senate

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - Vice President Joe Biden came to the U.S. Senate floor today to exude his only real Constitutional duty-- to break ties in the Senate. However, he chose to interpret his Constitutional duty as he had to literally take a necktie and break it into pieces.

When the Vice President arrived on the floor and silently grinned his trademark smile, he pulled out a brand new red and blue-striped necktie and proceeded to break it into pieces with his bare hands.

"Once that tie came out of his pocket, we knew exactly what ol' Joe was gonna do", a Senate Page reported. "We hear stories about how much of a goof he was when he was a Senator. And now, out of forty-seven Vice Presidents in U.S. history, Joe is the first that I know of to come to the floor and rip a tie to pieces---and then defend his behavior as his 'Constitutional duty'.

Article I, Section 3, Clause 4 of the United States Constitution states that “the Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no Vote, unless they be equally divided". There is no mention of neckties.

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Will Smith To Run For Congress, Unsure of Which District

Fresh Prince May Run In Pennsylvania or California

BEL AIR, CA - (The Comedy News) - The Fresh Prince has decided to run for Congress in 2012. His biggest question now is where he claims permanent residence: Bel Air, California or West Philadelphia, Pennsylvania?

"West Philadelphia was where I was born and raised," Smith recalled. "I can remember being with friends, relaxing, feeling good about myself. But I also remember there was trouble in that neighborhood, I was into fights, my mom being all scared all the time. That's when I sought refuge in southern California. But West Philly, man, if I could be their voice in Congress, I can really bring some positive changes."

Smith spends most of his time in his uncle's mansion in Bel Air, just north of Los Angeles. Although Smith does not see much that he would need accomplish as a Congressman representing Bel Air, he does think the idea of just being elected for the hell of it would be a "fresh" experience.

"I look at that kingdom, my throne in Bel Air. What is there to change? Nothing! It's pretty fresh. But being a Congressman would make living here a truly honorable, royal time."

So that begs the question, where to run for Congress? The Wild Wild West? Or West Philadelphia?

No clear indication has been made, but the Smith for Congress campaign has set up shops in both Bel Air and West Philadelphia. Smith has tapped longtime friend Jeffrey "Jazzy Jeff" Townes to be his campaign manager.

There have been advertisements appearing along both Sunset Boulevard in Bel Air and Locust Street in West Philadelphia recently. The two main slogans are, "Fresh Congressman. Big Willi Style", and "There's no need to argue, Congress just don't understand."

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December 20, 2010

Congress Repeals Term-Limit Ban

Senate Votes 61-39 to Repeal "No Term Limits, No Progress" Law

WASHINGTON, DC (The Comedy News) - The US Senate has eliminated a 223-year-old law that forbids Congress from instituting term limits on itself.

The Once Is Enough Act of 2010 was passed 61-39 in the most topsy-turvy bipartisan vote since the declaration of war with Grenada. There were 44 democrats and 17 republicans that voted in favor of the bill that would repeal the law granting unlimited terms for elected members of the House and Senate.

"Today, we are not Republicans versus Democrats, rather we are honest statesmen versus egotistical elitists," exclaimed an anonymous Senator from Oklahoma.

The elimination of unlimited terms for Congress will result in significant changes to the political world. No longer will members of the House and Senate be plagued with the burden of re-election influencing their voting record. Instead, the insincere double-speak will now have an ending point: election day.

Not all members of Congress were thrilled about the repeal of "No Term Limits, No Progress". One Kentucky Senator expressed "profuse disappointment and shame over how apparently 61 members of Congress just don't care at all about their own future and career."

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December 17, 2010

Packers Coaches Shocked To Learn An Injured Quarterback Can Be Benched

GREEN BAY, WI - (@TheComedyNews) - Following today's morning meeting at Lambeau Field, the Green Bay Packers' coaching staff were astonished to learn that if a starting quarterback is injured, he can be benched for the duration of an entire game.

This revelation began when the team doctor informed the Packers coaches that starting quarterback Aaron Rodgers is not likely to be recovered by this Sunday from his recent concussion.

Upon hearing the injury update on Rodgers, the Packers' coaching staff insisted that starting quarterbacks, no matter how injured, will always play and can never be benched.

When outside linebackers coach Kevin Greene pointed out that coaches can certainly bench an injured quarterback, head coach Mike McCarthy retorted, "no way, nuh uh. The Green Bay Packers do not bench starting quarterbacks under ANY circumstances. You hear me, Greene? Starting quarterbacks must start and play every single game. It's even written into the Green Bay Packers team handbook. Here, here's the bylaw: 'Starting qwarturbakz can dueu anything they want;, --/and they haveta start every single game, even if there enjerd'."

Greene patted McCarthy on the back to calm him down. At that point, Greene pointed out to the head coach that the egregious spelling mistakes and grammatical errors in the bylaw line about quarterbacks indicate that the bylaw was likely inserted into McCarthy's team handbook by none other than Brett Favre circa 2006.

This was likely the reason Brett Favre was able to break the record for consecutive games started by an NFL  quarterback, and keep it going through 2010. 

McCarthy decided at that point that backup quarterback Matt Flynn will be starting the Packers' next game against the Patriots on Sunday night.

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December 15, 2010

Morning Person Puts Everyone Else Down Again

TOPEKA, KS -  (@TheComedyNews) - Tuesday was just another day for Bridgette Victorfsky.

She woke up at 5:00 AM, did forty-five push ups and crunches, ran two miles with her dog Cecil, watered her lentil garden, and started preliminary work on her tax returns.

By time she was done with her routine, it was 7:00 AM and time to shower for her job as an analyst at the Monitor Group.

Before even stepping in the shower, Bridgette posted three separate Facebook statuses to alert her social networks of all of the things she accomplished before most of her friends were even awake.

05:25 AM: Cecil's all walked. He pooped twice! Good boy Cecil! Remember, tomorrow's our long run!

05:59 AM: I love watching my OWN food grow. You can't get lentils like this at your Harris Teeter!

06:56 AM: Who's got two thumbs and more of her tax returns done than everyone in America? This girl ;)

As evidenced from Bridgette's status messages, she intended to put down everyone reading them for not being as productive as her on that morning. Each word with each new status update was about herself, with two out of three directly comparing her accomplishments with those of the proverbial reader of her status.

Throughout the morning at the office, Bridgette continued her boasting of morning accomplishments to her colleagues. Even the doorman at the entrance to her office building was a victim of her belittling morning onslaught.

"No one here like her (sic)," lamented the doorman. "Sure it great that Miss Bridgette can do so much in the morning. But no one care! She tell me stories about this, about that. What do I care? Maybe with another hour and a half of sleep, she will stop putting us all down. Her dog Cecil is real jerk too."

December 14, 2010

TCU Fans Read Up On Wisconsin

Badgers Should Prepare As Much As Horned Frogs Do For Rose Bowl

FORT WORTH, TX - (DoghouseDaily) - Texas Christian University Horned Frogs fans have done their homework in preparing to share the Rose Bowl Stadium with Wisconsin Badgers football fans on New Years Day.

Top Six Facts TCU Fans Should Know About Wisconsin

1). Wisconsin's mascot, Bucky, is lame because it is named after a dance called "The Bucky". Bucky also sounds like "Buckeye". Wisconsin must be Ohio State Buckeye wannabes.

2). Wisconsin's football stadium is at a place called "Camp Randall". Oh, the cute little Badgers go to camp to play with their friends. Oh so adorable. Don't forget to wear sunscreen and DEET.

3). At the Badgers' training facility, a sign reads, "The Road to Pasadena Starts Here". The only Pasadena they know about is 2,000 miles away in California. Texas has its own Pasadena, just south of Houston.

4). Former Vice-President Dick Cheney went to school at Wisconsin for a year. He knew Wisconsin would just hold him back, so he left school in cheeseland to become Vice-President with George W. Bush--who comes from Texas.

5). The average temperature on New Years Day in Madison is 9.3 Degrees Fahrenheit. There is no way those cheeseheaded Wisconsin fans survive the first half of the Rose Bowl without melting into Badger fondue.

6). The University of Wisconsin is constantly overshadowed by other schools in their Big Ten Conference like Michigan and Northwestern in academics and Michigan and Ohio State in football. Oh yea? There isn't anyone that overshadows TCU in our Mountain West Conference. We're #1! Go Frogs!

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December 13, 2010

Big Ten Changes Name to Fat Fourteen

University of Chicago and Lake Forest College to Return to Expanded, Renamed Big Ten
PARK RIDGE, IL - (@TheComedyNews) - The Big Ten Conference has expanded for one more time. What started with adding the Nebraska Cornhuskers to their conference in 2010 has resulted with the adding of two additional schools and a name change to the entire conference.

The University of Chicago Maroons, which left the Big Ten Conference in 1946, have returned to the esteemed conference following a 64-year absence. They bring national championship contention football back to the south side of Chicago, along with a natural rivalry with Northwestern University. The Maroons will play their football games at Comiskey Park --the current home to the Chicago White Sox baseball franchise.

The fourteenth addition to the conference formerly known as the "Big Ten" is the Lake Forest College Foresters.

About 115 years ago, officials from Lake Forest College attended the initial meeting of Midwestern universities that led to the creation of the Big Ten Conference. Their spot in the conference, however, was given to the University of Michigan. The Foresters intend avenge this in the form of a rivalry with the Wolverines. Lake Forest will play their football games between the playground and the tennis courts at Lake Forest Park, until a suitable stadium can be financed and built.

The name change from the Big 10 to the Fat 14 is expected to be well-received by all parties involved. "Fat Fourteen Conference" not only accurately reflects the number of teams in the conference, but also is based on the perception held by the East and West Coast television markets in regards to the waistlines of the residents of the Midwestern United States.

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December 10, 2010

Facebook Increases Likelihood of Accidental "Poke"

PALO ALTO, CA - (@TheComedyNews) - This week, the world's largest social network, Facebook, got a layout makeover. One of the more notable new features is a "Poke" button placed prominently in the upper right corner of the page.

"We at Facebook want to increase the likelihood of awkwardness by our users. In recent years, the 'Poke' has declined in popularity," one aloof Facebook employee stated. "But now, the Poke button is much bigger, and placed on our page much closer to useful buttons such as 'Profile' and 'Send Message'. There have already been thousands of reports of accidental Pokes by users snooping their friends' profiles."

Once the Poke button is clicked, a prompt pops up on the screen asking the user if they actually want to poke the other profile. Whether the poke is confirmed or not, there is an instant increase in nervousness in the misclicking user. Most of these users complain that if an accidental "Poke" is sent from them to a user who's profile they are snooping, they risk sharing actual, tangible feelings with their Facebook friends.

The official definition of a Facebook Poke is a feature that "can be used for a variety of things on Facebook. For instance, you can poke your friends to say hello. When you poke someone, they will receive a poke alert on their home page." Most Facebook users who utilize the Poke frequently note that they are poking for two main reasons: obnoxiously taunting, or passively courting.

December 7, 2010

LSAT To Offer Open-Note Exam; Still Just As Difficult

NEWTOWN, PA - (@The Comedy News) - In an effort to make standardized testing more deceptively difficult, the administrators of the Law School Admissions Test (LSAT) decided to make their examinations "open note" for the 2011 year.

The Law School Admissions Council (LSAC) cited that, "the existing examination procedures were coddling test takers too much."

For years, it was a well-known fact that having notes and cheat sheets would not improve LSAT scores at all. And because of that, the LSAC never saw allowing notes at the three-hour exam as yet another deceptive means of throwing off test takers just a little bit more. But by allowing prospective law students to have their own notes during the LSAT, many test takers will be duped into putting more time into preparing their notes rather than studying in the traditional way.

To add further insult to test takers, a new LSAT logo has been unveiled, featuring palm trees in a purple sunset haze. It is expected that this logo will have a calming effect on test takers who would otherwise be freaking out about the importance of that one exam on their future as a lawyer.

Without a doubt, the now open-book 2011 LSAT examination will be the most difficult to date.

December 5, 2010

Badger Fans Research Ways To Taunt TCU At Rose Bowl

Texas Christian University Wikipediaed 101,237 Times In Wisconsin

MADISON, WI - (The Comedy News) - Immediately following the official announcement of their invitation to the Rose Bowl game, thousands of Wisconsin Badgers football fans looked to Wikipedia to get information about the Badgers' opponent, the Texas Christian University Horned Frogs.

"I'm going to the Grand Daddy of 'Em All, the Rose Bowl!" Rejoiced Darren Holland, a sophomore at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "Whenever the Badgers football team takes the field, it's my duty as a fan to be the most clever, cunning, condescending jerk to the opposing team. When I found out Bucky and the Badgers were playing TCU, I wondered, 'well, they're Christian, they're from Texas, their frogs have horns on them. That could be enough for a vulgar t-shirt and some acrostic poems for poster signs at the game, but I better do some more research.' So like the rest of Badger nation, I went to the most comprehensive source of info: Wikipedia."

Since Texas Christian University is a member of the mediocre-at-best Mountain West Conference, its prominence in the national spotlight has been limited. Wisconsin has proudly been a meddling member of the Big Ten Conference, a highly-competitive and decorated athletic powerhouse known for its ruthless and oftentimes cannibalizing lampoonery of any challengers.

Top Five Must-Know TCU Facts for Wisconsin Football Fans:
  1. TCU Horned Frogs' jerseys are purple. Purple is the color of the Minnesota Vikings.
  2. TCU is in Fort Worth, Texas. Many Badgers fans will spend an obscene amount of unplanned time in Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport as their connecting flights are purposely delayed en route to Los Angeles.
  3. The only prominent alumnus of TCU is billionaire John White, founder of 1-800-FLOWERS. This must be how they snaked their way into the Rose Bowl.
  4. US News & World Report ranks TCU in their "Top Tier" of National Universities. Pff, "Top Tier" doesn't mean anything these days. AT&T is in the "Top Tier" of phone service providers. And AT&T is lousy at best. Where is AT&T based? In Dallas. Dallas is just down the road from Fort Worth. And Fort Worth is the home of TCU.
  5. Wisconsin has already played in twice as many Bowl Championship Series football games as TCU: two.

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