December 27, 2010

Los Angeles Bars Will Run Out of Beer on New Year’s Eve

LOS ANGELES, CA – (The Comedy News) – Due to the expected high turnout of Wisconsinites and Texans for the Rose Bowl this weekend, all the bars in the greater Los Angeles area anticipate completely running out of beer by 7:22 PM (PST) on December 31st.

“The owners of the more than three-thousand bars, taverns, and clubs throughout Los Angeles are pretty nervous about what will happen on New Year's Eve when all of our beer taps run dry,” said Lyle Gonzales-Moore, spokesman for the Southern California Tavern Association.  

“Whenever football teams from the really out-of-shape states that guzzle beer by the silo come to town for the Rose Bowl, we always run out of beer. We had Wisconsin three times in the 1990s, and the University of Texas twice in the last ten years. Those five instances were by far the worst. There is no way there’s gonna be any beer left in southern California this weekend.”

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has declared a state of emergency for Los Angeles and Orange Counties for the duration of the weekend. He is concerned that there is not enough beer in the world to satisfy the demands of the Badger and TCU Horned Frog fans. “After this weekend, I expect there to be a plethora of cheeseheads, cowboy hats, spurs, revolvers, and inflatable cows around the streets of LA. I know this will happen, I graduated from the University of Wisconsin-Superior and partied every weekend in Madison with the Badgers.”

To accommodate the beer-thirsty fans when the taps run dry, the California National Guardsmen have been instructed to distribute expensive wine and cheese from Northern California to all Southern Californian bars, taverns, and clubs.  

The wine and cheese is expected to quell the nerves of the sobering masses of Badger and Horned Frog fans. City officials also hope that the wine and cheese will bring a little bit of NorCal class to the SoCal visitors during their inevitable riots.