Wisconsin Accidentally Re-elects Koch Brothers as Governor

Wisconsin voters: "Aw Shit!  Not Again!"

Cows, Fonzie, and the Green Bay Packers sulk after their accidental reelection of the Koch Brothers as Governor.

WAUKESHA, WI - (@The Comedy News) - After an arduous year and a half of coming up with innovative ways to manipulate facts and lie with straight faces, the Koch brothers have been re-elected as Governor of the state of Wisconsin.  Karl Rove, a former adviser to George W. Bush, was re-elected as Lieutenant Governor. 

Although they never have lived in Wisconsin and have admitted several times on record that they hate the Green Bay Packers, the Koch Brothers, David and Charles, defied months of protests and were re-elected in a vicious recall election. 

"We made sure the voters were good and confused---just enough---to re-elect us as Governor of the manipulative state of Wisconsin," said one of the Koch brothers---who are indecipherable when sitting next to each other.  "We, along with our portly Lieutenant Governor, Karl Rove, did unspeakable things just to make sure we can continue to take a big red white and blue shit all over Wisconsin peoples' precious "civil" rights, education, and wages.  Gee whiz, we're awesome."

Wisconsin citizens are aghast with themselves since realizing that they re-elected a pair of red-faced sociopath out-of-state oil tycoons to run their state government---again.  

"Aw shit! Not again!"  Lamented students at Memorial Union at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, after cable news networks called the election in favor of the Koch Brothers after 2% of the precincts reported.  

One Wisconsin voter, who claims he was only doing what he was told to do, explained to reporters how he became so confused that he accidentally helped re-elect the Koch brothers as Governor. 

"I received a phone call this morning telling me that if I voted for Donald Driver last week on Dancing With the Stars that my vote to recall the Koch brothers has been counted, and I don't have to vote today," explained Bart McKowski, 64, of Waukesha.  "But uh, now that you tell me that that ain't true, well, I guess that...aw shit, not again!"

Several regretful Wisconsin voters realized on election day that they should have nominated Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers for Governor.

"Rodgers would have been a fantastic candidate to run against the Koch brothers for governor," said Mona Taliesin of Spring Green.  "He went to Berkeley, so he's definitely progressive.  And his buddy Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers would have been perfect for Lieutenant Governor.  He would have definitely locked up the herpes vote---that's 25% of voters right there."

The re-elected Lieutenant Governor of Wisconsin, Karl Rove, had a simple explanation for the re-election of himself and the Koch brothers.

"First, we get all the conservative business criminals to donate a couple million bucks to our campaign," explained Rove as he drank a celebratory Budweiser.  "Then, we hire some hollow suit to make a bunch of speeches about the state budget woes, the toothfairy, and how a college grade point average somewhere between 1 and 2 can't stop you from pissing-off millions of hard working tax payers.  Then you convince that dipshit that he's the reincarnate of Ronald Reagan.  And right when the voters start to question your plan, you blame all the problems on the public school teachers."

The Koch brothers' first plan as re-elected governor of Wisconsin is to create a new timezone.  "Wisconsin standard time", as the new timezone will be called, will reset all of Wisconsin's clocks to the year 1955. 

University of Wisconsin's Suggestions for Alternative Non-Vulgar Crowd Chants

MADISON, WI - (@TheComedyNews) - Following the University of Wisconsin-Madison athletic department's condemnation of a variety of racy, vulgar chants at sporting events, a committee of politically-correct derelicts has suggested the following replacement chants to make Wisconsin crowds appear friendlier: 

"Eat Shit!  Fuck You!"  will be replaced with "Eat Chips!  Fondue!"

"You fucked up!" will be replaced with "Very nice try".

"Shoot 'em like a horse!" will be replaced with  "We hope he's alright".  

"O Sucks" will be replaced with "O is not our friend." 

"I'm an asshole I'm an asshole I'm an asshole, yes I know.  But I'd rather be an asshole than sit in section O" has been replaced with, "I'm a spectator, I'm a spectator, I'm a spectator, yes I am.  But I'd rather be a spectator than an angry little clam." 

"Bullshit" will be replaced with "I do not agree."

"Pull your sieve" will be replaced with "Your Hockey team sucks."

"The ref beats his wife" will be replaced with "The Ref's personal life is irrelevant to this game."



The raucous songs played over the loudspeakers will also be replaced with more conservative tunes

"Jump Around" will be replaced with "Achy Breaky Heart".
[Jumping will also be replaced with line-dancing]

"Varsity" will be replaced with "Proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free"
[Swaying and promiscuously embracing of arms and shoulders will be STRICTLY forbidden from now on.] 

"Build Me Up Buttercup" will be replaced with "Take Me Out To The Ballgame"

"Tequila" will be replaced by the singing of the little-known second verse of the "Star Spangled Banner"

"You've said it all" will be replaced with, An instrumental of Beethoven's "Für Elise". 

"On Wisconsin" will be replaced with "Hail to the Victors"

"If you wanna be a Badger..." will be replaced with "You can be a Badger, as long as you can pay unsubsidized tuition."

Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook 
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Scott Walker Moves Wisconsin State Capitol Building to Brookfield Square

 

State Capitol Building Relocated to Thwart Protesters

BROOKFIELD, WI - (The Comedy News) - In an effort to prevent protests near his office, Governor Scott Walker has relocated the entire Wisconsin State Capitol Building 70 miles east to Brookfield. 

"This way, all those 1960's liberals can have Madison all to themselves to protest my ideas," Walker said in an AOL Instant Message.  "So let 'em protest all they want!"

For the past few weeks, there have been consecutive days of thousands of protesters at the lot where the State Capitol square in Madison once stood. With the relocation of the State Capitol  to Waukesha county, it now can be in a more "moderate" region of Wisconsin.  Waukesha County voted 62% for McCain and 37% for Obama in the 2008 Presidential Election.

Physically moving the 106-year-old State Capitol down Highway 43 to it's present location on Moorland Road was quite a daunting task.  The Governor's task force on Capitol Relocation hired 93,000 temporary workers to assist in the engineering anomaly.   Of those workers,  20,000 were from firms in Illinois, 50,000 from China, another 20,000 from Minnesota, and about 2,997 from Canada.  Only three jobs were created for workers from Wisconsin. 

*****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Wisconsin Teacher Caught Spending Wastefully at Walgreens

FOX POINT, WI – (The Comedy News) – A public school teacher from Milwaukee, Wisconsin was caught wastefully spending at a local Walgreens store by an outraged eyewitness.
 

The teacher has been identified as Mr. Mark Spranderson, a 33-year-old fifth grade history teacher at Ellsworth Middle School. Onlookers were shocked to see that Spranderson was spotted buying items not only out of necessity, but some even for leisure.

“I am mortified,” lamented Michelle Nilap, a stay-at-home mother of Brookfield who is married to a local real estate developer. Nilap was the shopper who first reported the local school teacher's wasteful spending incident. "Who does Mr. Spranderson think he is? Wasting all of his money on Healthy Choice beef and potatoes, generic qtips, and---get this--- two whole sticks of Old Spice deodorant. He's a teacher, a public school teacher, he should not have time to use these things. Such a wasteful spender. Hrmph."

Outrage has spread recently about getting public school teachers to potentially take a pay cut to help offset the deficit of the state of Wisconsin's budget. Citizens such as Ms. Nilap have gone out of their way to blow the whistle on public school teachers who, in their opinion, are the cause of Wisconsin's financial woes."

"Cheap black dress socks? Oh come on," continued Nilap, who herself purchased a facial hair zapper that day. "Public school teachers should not be spending their salaries---which come straight from tax payers' pockets, like my husband---on cheap black dress socks. It's not like the teachers have enough money to go the elite parties and brunches that I go to anyways." 

In a somewhat unrelated incident, after the interview at Walgreens, Nilap discovered that her Range Rover had been towed because it was parked in a handicap parking space. Nilap theorizes that it was Mr. Spranderson who reported her illegally-parked vehicle.

*****

Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Scott Walker Officially Ends Super Bowl XLV High For Wisconsin

New Governor Puts An End To Jubilation, Jobs

MADISON, WI – (@TheComedyNews) – Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker decided this week that now is the time to officially put an end to all Super Bowl XLV celebrations.

"There are over five-million overly jubilant Packers fans in the great state of Wisconsin, and my cabinet believes that the time is now that all five-million of us stop celebrating the Green Bay Packers' championship glory and focus on trimming the ailing budget," declared Governor Walker, while drinking a Budweiser. "What good is a Super Bowl for your home state team when no one wants to sacrifice a little bit of fun to make it look like their Johnny-come-lately first-term governor can balance the state's checkbook. Stop being so greedy and let's slash some funding!"

Governor Walker this week has led a charge to eliminate collective bargaining for unionized state workers. This will almost certainly lead to lower funding and lost jobs at many public schools throughout Wisconsin. Walker also is issuing an executive order to officially end any additional celebration of the Green Bay Packers' Super Bowl victory last week because it is wasteful and, Walker thinks that personally, it's pathetic.

Governor Walker's additional proposed changes to quell the deficit:

•Privatizing Lake Michigan to increase the price of water at restaurants.

•Moving the Milwaukee Brewers back to Seattle.

•Selling all land north of Hayward to Minnesota and Canada for $0.05 per acre.

•Eliminating the Marquette interchange because a school doesn't need a whole freeway all to itself.

Walker continues to defend his proposals while emphasizing that he's just an ordinary citizen trying to do what's best. "Don't get me wrong, I am a Packers fan like the rest of all of you. But I'm a deficit hawk first. You're either with me or against me. God bless Wisconsin."

Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Rand McNally Considers Adding Green Bay to Maps

GREEN BAY, WI - (The Comedy News) - Following the Green Bay Packers' first Super Bowl win of the new millennium, the largest producer of maps of the United States is considering adding the town of Green Bay, Wisconsin to all of their future maps.

"We at Rand McNally believe that the time has come to recognize Green Bay on all of our maps," commented a Rand McNally spokesman. "For many years, we thought that if we let Green Bay appear on our maps, that would set off a domino effect, and before you know it, we would have to add every total joker loony toon city to our maps like Omaha, Springfield, and Seattle."

The town of Green Bay, also known as "Titletown" has become known as a professional football mecca due to the town's ability to draw hundreds of thousands of tourists and football fans per year to celebrate the professional football team with the most NFL Championships---the Packers now have 13.

With a population of only 102,313, Green Bay is the smallest media market in professional sports. Despite these setbacks, the Packers have remained in Green Bay since 1921. Such an anomaly has caught the attention of Rand McNally, and is thus why Green Bay has now found its way onto a map for the first time.

The first Rand McNally map featuring Green Bay Wisconsin will be unveiled at Lambeau Field this Wednesday morning.  About 20,000 enthusiastic Green Bay residents---all claiming to be an owner of the Packers--- have already begun to stake out the best tailgating spots to get drunk and eat brats before the "Green Bay Is On The Map" ceremony.

Packers and Steelers Fans 78% Less Productive During Last Two Weeks

PITTSBURGH, PA - (The Comedy News) - The two weeks between the NFL Conference Championship games and the Super Bowl have led to a 40% decrease in productivity for football fans with desk jobs. For fans of the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers, the two Super Bowl contenders, productivity has decreased by 78%.

“I neglect my work typically for 25% of the day,” says PNC Bank employee Louis Landerski of Pittsburgh. “I work an eight hour day, and two hours of screwing off on the internet is my limit. But for the past two weeks, I’ve been watching Steelers highlights on ESPN.com and writing ‘Packers Stink’ and ‘Clay is for artists, not football players’ on message boards. I don’t really care that I have gotten basically like no work done at all. It’s the Super Bowl, who cares!”

One Packers fan, Donnie D’Amico of Queens, New York claims to have gotten no billable work done at all in the past nine business days. D’Amico, an analyst on Wall-Street, has been obsessed with checking Super Bowl ticket prices on StubHub.

“I keep thinking maybe, just maybe a $100 ticket will show up. I can’t afford the $2,000 that it would cost me to see the game, but I’m hopeful something cheap will pop up as the game gets closer. I’ve been putting an American Airlines flight to Dallas on hold each day in case I find that cheap game ticket,” explained D’Amico, a Packers fan for 28 years.

Both Packers fans and Steelers fans have spent a significant amount of time thinking of clever status messages to post on Facebook and Twitter to express their excitement for the game. Other popular topics have included ridiculing the other team’s city, and links to tearjerker rags-to-riches stories about players on the Packers and Steelers.

Some offices have been encouraging their employees to mix work with their football fandom. One firm in Manhattan will attempt to break up the monotony of suits and dresses by mandating ‘Football Jersey Fridays’---where the employees wear the jersey of their favorite NFL team. An anonymous Operations VP explained, “We can’t just fire everyone that spends all day on the Google and placing Vegas bets on the game. We’ve come to embrace it. As long as no one shows up in a Dallas Cowboys jersey. In that case, they’ll be fired.”

Bears and Packers Fans Figure Out How They Can Help Their Team Win

CHICAGO, IL - (The Comedy News) - Most people know that as a fan, there is not much they can to to affect the outcome of a sporting event from the stands. In most instances, fans have run onto the playing field or scream at the top of their lungs during a key point of the game to make a difference. For the upcoming Bears-Packers NFC Championship game this Sunday, fans of both sides are thinking of ways to ensure a victory for their team.

Bears Fans’ Keys to Victory:

1) Pretend that everything with cheese on it is just a part of another obscure Gino’s East of Chicago Pizza.

2) Putting a Bears hat, mustache, and beer gut on the Michael Jordan statue outside the United Center.

3) Convince Brett Favre to sign a one-game contract with the Bears.

4) Start calling head coach Lovie Smith by his real first name, Lovable, just to fire him up.

5) Sing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” in the stands between the third and fourth quarters.

Packers Fans’ Keys to Victory:

1) Start a donation fund to help Packers team buses pay for the $10,000+ in tolls on the Eisenhower Expressway.

2) Put a Cheesehead, big dirty beard, and beer gut on the Fonzie statue in downtown Milwaukee.

3) Get an estimate from Rod Blagojevich as to how much it would cost in cash and iTunes gift cards to have the Bears throw the game to the Packers.

4) Bring extra bottles of Miller High Llife for the Packers’ sideline, because John Kuhn runs swifter when he’s had a few cold ones.

5) Have Lavergne and Shirley beat the crap out of Balki and Larry in a pregame 2-on-2 ultimate fighting match to fire-up the Packers.

Los Angeles Bars Will Run Out of Beer on New Year’s Eve

LOS ANGELES, CA – (The Comedy News) – Due to the expected high turnout of Wisconsinites and Texans for the Rose Bowl this weekend, all the bars in the greater Los Angeles area anticipate completely running out of beer by 7:22 PM (PST) on December 31^st.

“The owners of the more than three-thousand bars, taverns, and clubs throughout Los Angeles are pretty nervous about what will happen on New Year's Eve when all of our beer taps run dry,” said Lyle Gonzales-Moore, spokesman for the Southern California Tavern Association.  

Packers Coaches Shocked To Learn An Injured Quarterback Can Be Benched

GREEN BAY, WI - (@TheComedyNews) - Following today's morning meeting at Lambeau Field, the Green Bay Packers' coaching staff were astonished to learn that if a starting quarterback is injured, he can be benched for the duration of an entire game.

This revelation began when the team doctor informed the Packers coaches that starting quarterback Aaron Rodgers is not likely to be recovered by this Sunday from his recent concussion.

Upon hearing the injury update on Rodgers, the Packers' coaching staff insisted that starting quarterbacks, no matter how injured, will always play and can never be benched.

When outside linebackers coach Kevin Greene pointed out that coaches can certainly bench an injured quarterback, head coach Mike McCarthy retorted, "no way, nuh uh. The Green Bay Packers do not bench starting quarterbacks under ANY circumstances. You hear me, Greene? Starting quarterbacks must start and play every single game. It's even written into the Green Bay Packers team handbook. Here, here's the bylaw: 'Starting qwarturbakz can dueu anything they want;, --/and they haveta start every single game, even if there enjerd'."

Greene patted McCarthy on the back to calm him down. At that point, Greene pointed out to the head coach that the egregious spelling mistakes and grammatical errors in the bylaw line about quarterbacks indicate that the bylaw was likely inserted into McCarthy's team handbook by none other than Brett Favre circa 2006.

This was likely the reason Brett Favre was able to break the record for consecutive games started by an NFL  quarterback, and keep it going through 2010. 

McCarthy decided at that point that backup quarterback Matt Flynn will be starting the Packers' next game against the Patriots on Sunday night.

 *****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Badger Fans Research Ways To Taunt TCU At Rose Bowl

Texas Christian University Wikipediaed 101,237 Times In Wisconsin

MADISON, WI - (The Comedy News) - Immediately following the official announcement of their invitation to the Rose Bowl game, thousands of Wisconsin Badgers football fans looked to Wikipedia to get information about the Badgers' opponent, the Texas Christian University Horned Frogs.

"I'm going to the Grand Daddy of 'Em All, the Rose Bowl!" Rejoiced Darren Holland, a sophomore at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "Whenever the Badgers football team takes the field, it's my duty as a fan to be the most clever, cunning, condescending jerk to the opposing team. When I found out Bucky and the Badgers were playing TCU, I wondered, 'well, they're Christian, they're from Texas, their frogs have horns on them. That could be enough for a vulgar t-shirt and some acrostic poems for poster signs at the game, but I better do some more research.' So like the rest of Badger nation, I went to the most comprehensive source of info: Wikipedia."

Since Texas Christian University is a member of the mediocre-at-best Mountain West Conference, its prominence in the national spotlight has been limited. Wisconsin has proudly been a meddling member of the Big Ten Conference, a highly-competitive and decorated athletic powerhouse known for its ruthless and oftentimes cannibalizing lampoonery of any challengers.

Top Five Must-Know TCU Facts for Wisconsin Football Fans:

1. TCU Horned Frogs' jerseys are purple. Purple is the color of the Minnesota Vikings.
   
2. TCU is in Fort Worth, Texas. Many Badgers fans will spend an obscene amount of unplanned time in Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport as their connecting flights are purposely delayed en route to Los Angeles.
3. The only prominent alumnus of TCU is billionaire John White, founder of 1-800-FLOWERS. This must be how they snaked their way into the Rose Bowl.
   
4. US News & World Report ranks TCU in their "Top Tier" of National Universities. Pff, "Top Tier" doesn't mean anything these days. AT&T is in the "Top Tier" of phone service providers. And AT&T is lousy at best. Where is AT&T based? In Dallas. Dallas is just down the road from Fort Worth. And Fort Worth is the home of TCU.
5. Wisconsin has already played in twice as many Bowl Championship Series football games as TCU: two.

Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Wisconsin Basketball Team Scores First Touchdown In Indiana Blowout

Football Team Turns to Basketball Players For Backups

MADISON, WI - (DoghouseDaily) - As the Wisconsin Badgers football team led the Indiana Hoosiers 59-13 in the third quarter on Saturday, Coach Bret Bielema put players from the men's basketball team in to play out the rest of the game.

"We had exhausted our entire depth chart on the football squad. The third and fourth team guys were tired from scoring touchdown after touchdown all afternoon, so we had to get a little creative with our players," remarked Wisconsin football Coach Bret Bielema. "[Men's Basketball Coach] Bo Ryan's got some of the most versatile athletes ever on the Badgers' basketball team, they were all in the stadium, so I gave Bo the signal to suit-up the boys in helmets and pads."

Players from the men's basketball team were seen between the third and fourth quarters hustling to get into the football attire, obviously too small or too large for most of them. Senior forward, Jon Leuer took the snaps at quarterback, and looked quite comfortable in setting back to pass. Within only a few minutes, the six-foot ten-inch Leuer completed the first touchdown pass by a basketball player in NCAA history. Leuer's pass was caught by center J.P. Gavinski, who sprinted his six-foot eleven-inch tall body 64 yards for the touchdown as he towered over the crippled Indiana Hoosiers defensive backs.

Men's basketball coach Bo Ryan made his NCAA football coaching debut as offensive coordinator, when Paul Chryst handed him the playbook at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Coach Ryan, known for drawing up intricate last-second plays on the basketball court, was not new to calling plays on the football field---he was quarterback for the Chester High School Clippers football team in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.

"On my basketball team, my players are taught to be prepared for everything, even fifth-string football. I firmly believe that three-pointers and free-throws are not the only points a Wisconsin Badgers basketball player should be focused on. He should know how to throw a perfect spiral, spot the placekicker, and run for quick first downs. The big thing I beat into my players' heads is that in football, if you score, it's worth up to six points at a time. And in this economy, we need all the numbers we can get."

Most fans were oblivious to the personnel changes on the football field since the substitutions took place while the 80,000-plus fans in Camp Randall Stadium were dancing to House of Pain's "Jump Around".

The NCAA declined to lead an investigation into Coach Bielema and Coach Ryan allowing basketball players to play in a regulation football game, citing that the antics in Madison this past weekend were "simply too awesome to punish."