October 14, 2011

University of Wisconsin's Suggestions for Alternative Non-Vulgar Crowd Chants

MADISON, WI - (@TheComedyNews) - Following the University of Wisconsin-Madison athletic department's condemnation of a variety of racy, vulgar chants at sporting events, a committee of politically-correct derelicts has suggested the following replacement chants to make Wisconsin crowds appear friendlier: 

"Eat Shit!  Fuck You!"  will be replaced with "Eat Chips!  Fondue!"

"You fucked up!" will be replaced with "Very nice try".

"Shoot 'em like a horse!" will be replaced with  "We hope he's alright".  

"O Sucks" will be replaced with "O is not our friend." 

"I'm an asshole I'm an asshole I'm an asshole, yes I know.  But I'd rather be an asshole than sit in section O" has been replaced with, "I'm a spectator, I'm a spectator, I'm a spectator, yes I am.  But I'd rather be a spectator than an angry little clam." 

"Bullshit" will be replaced with "I do not agree."

"Pull your sieve" will be replaced with "Your Hockey team sucks."

"The ref beats his wife" will be replaced with "The Ref's personal life is irrelevant to this game."

The raucous songs played over the loudspeakers will also be replaced with more conservative tunes

"Jump Around" will be replaced with "Achy Breaky Heart".
[Jumping will also be replaced with line-dancing]

"Varsity" will be replaced with "Proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free"
[Swaying and promiscuously embracing of arms and shoulders will be STRICTLY forbidden from now on.] 

"Build Me Up Buttercup" will be replaced with "Take Me Out To The Ballgame"

"Tequila" will be replaced by the singing of the little-known second verse of the "Star Spangled Banner"

"You've said it all" will be replaced with, An instrumental of Beethoven's "Für Elise". 

"On Wisconsin" will be replaced with "Hail to the Victors"

"If you wanna be a Badger..." will be replaced with "You can be a Badger, as long as you can pay unsubsidized tuition."