January 26, 2013

Were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Jewish?

Sociologists and Rabbis around the world are beginning to question whether the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were Jewish.  The jury is still out, but draw your own conclusions from the evidence below:

Evidence that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Were Jewish
  • They lived in New York.
  • They all wore headwear.
  • They all had weapons, yet none owned a gun.
  • They took wisdom from an elder who told long drawn-out stories and was covered in facial hair.
  • They ordered pizza but never seemed to order pepperoni.
  • They did pro-bono work for the good of their neighbors.
  • They had the hots for a redheaded shicksa from the local news.
  • With names like Donatello, Michelangelo, Raphael, and Leonardo---they were all named after a person from antiquity who lived on the shores of the Mediterranean.
  • They're already showing signs of balding.
  • One of them was vilified throughout the film for making bad jokes.
  • The purple one was into science, the blue one was a born leader, the orange one was a goofy jokester that laughed at his own jokes, and the red one was a nebbish complainer. 

Evidence that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Were NOT Jewish
  • They never talked about their Mom.
  • They always were getting into physical fights---and encouraged to do so by their caretaker.
  • They didn't live in the Upper West Side, rather a low-rent shithole in the sewer.
  • They still ate pizza on passover.
  • Have you ever met a Jew that says "cowabunga"?
  • They were in their teens and never mentioned their Bar Mitzvahs.
  • They're boys and they can dance.
  • None of their names are Dovid, Moshe, Yoni, or Judah.
  • They did most of their work after sundown.
  • None of em ever got laid.
  • They never used profanity.
  • There is indisputable video evidence of them doing Buddhist meditation.
  • No evidence of excessive chest hair.
  • They never ventured into the Bergen County New Jersey suburbs, Long Island, or Brooklyn.
  • They never mentioned summer camp in the Poconos.
  • They're turtles.