November 24, 2011

Local Man Threatens, 'Anyone who says something today about "Cold November Rain" Gets a Beatdown'

ARLINGTON, VA - (@The Comedy News) - A crotchety government clerk announced to his coworkers that he will not be tolerating any puns relating to Guns 'N Roses and the rainy weather today. 

"Anyone who says something today about Cold November Rain gets a beat-down," wrote Bill Jackson in an all-office email.  "I get it.  It's November, it's rainy, it's like 51 degrees outside.  If you make any references to the Guns 'N Roses hit 'November Rain', I will beat you mercilessly."

To aggravate Jackson, coworkers have made Guns 'N Roses lyrics references throughout the day---each time drawing much ire from their coworker:
Press Secretary:  "Man this weather sure is ugly.  Good thing [singing] nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain!"
Bill's co-department colleague: "Hey Bill, I really have no choice on this matter, [singing Civil War] my hands are tied!"
Staff Director:  "Jackson, stop dividing the office, [singing] I don't need no civil war!"

Human Resources Chairwoman:  "Sorry, you'll have to fill out paperwork to take leave-time to enroll in that anger-management clinic, Bill.  [singing] Welcome to the jungle, it's all fun and games!"

Fall Intern:  "I love it when you get all pissy, I want you to mentor me, you big scary animal, Bill.  [singing seductively] You could be mine!  Oh won't you please take me home?"
Jackson, a deputy clerk for intergovernmental affairs at the Department of Homeland Security, has snapped at his coworkers in the past.  

Earlier this year, he put up threatening post-it-notes around the water cooler asking coworkers to respectfully not refer to Guns 'N Roses as "GNR".  Jackson contends that the only things that should be abbreviated should be "awesome things, like the NFL and WWE", and that "a one-album wonder like Guns 'N Roses does not qualify for abbreviation."

November 21, 2011

Occupy Springfield Protest Marred By Police Pepper Spray

Pepper-spraying cop Chief Wiggum breaks up a peaceful protest.

SPRINGFIELD - (@The Comedy News)  - A peaceful protest outside the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant turned ugly today, as Springfield Police Chief Wiggum broke up the demonstration by spraying protesters in the face with pepper spray.

"Nothing seemed to be getting out of hand, and to be honest, me and the guys were getting quite bored," commented Springfield Police Chief Wiggum.   "So I pulled out my can of pepper spray and fired some in the face of the cutest little girl.  She was playing a song on her guitar, I think it was a folk song.  She and the other protesters started moshing with each other after I sprayed them.  Hah ha it was really, really awesome."

The protesters writhed in pain, according to witnesses.  Many accounts say that the protesters had been standing in front of the Nuclear Plant to protest for health and dental care, as well as the plant's ties to Wall Street corruption in recent years. 

About an hour after the protest began, Chief Wiggum showed up at the scene, stepped out of his police cruiser and thought silently for about fifteen minutes.  Every couple of minutes, he would remove his policemen's cap and fidget with it, as if he was working up the courage to do something.  And that's when he shouted, "Ah hah", and began to pepper spray the protesters.

"Why?  Why?  Why would anyone waste so much jalapeno sauce?"  Screamed protester, Homer J. Simpson after being doused with pepper spray in his mouth.  "It's too much, even I don't like this much pepper spray in my mouth."

Simpson's daughter, Lisa, 8, was the first hit by the police officers.

"If you f*#k with a female protester, the protest will just keep multiplying," sneered Lisa Simpson from her hospital bed, face still red and irritated from the pepper spray.  Her acoustic guitar was smashed by Chief Wiggum in the melee. 

Chief Wiggum is currently on voluntary paid leave while the matter is sorted out.  He has also changed his story, saying that his only son Ralph asked him to spray the protesters with pepper spray as a birthday gift.

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November 14, 2011

Minnesota Trades Vikings to Los Angeles for the USC Football program

Vikings and Trojans Trade Locations, Beards

MINNEAPOLIS;  SOUTH LOS ANGELES. - (@The Comedy News) - In an effort to curb their respective issues, the state of Minnesota has entered an agreement with the City of Los Angeles to trade the entire Minnesota Vikings football team for the entire USC Trojans football program. 

In the agreement, the now USC Vikings will leave the NFL and join the Pac-12 athletic conference.  The move will put an end to the team's clamoring for a new stadium as they will play their home games at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum.  

For all of the Vikings players, the move from professional back down to college football will result in a complete loss in salary, prohibition from getting brand endorsements, and a mandatory 12-credit fall semester of classes.  

"Man, this sucks!  College was so gay," lamented USC Vikings defensive-end, Jared Allen.  "Going to a school like USC?   Everyone's gonna find out that I can't read or write."  After the interview, Allen was seen whimpering around Hollywood Boulevard, crying out to tourists, "I miss my purple jersey," between hits of heroin.  

On the otherside of the deal, the now Minnesota Trojans fooball team will be bumped up from college football to the NFL and begin playing in the NFC north conference next week.  The Minnesota Trojans agreed to keep paying Trojans players the same salaries they received from boosters while in college.  

Both teams decided that it was necessary to change their respective logos to fit their new locales.  The USC Vikings will shed their beard for the move to southern California, where beards are an indicator of a need to visit a salon of some sort.  The Minnesota Trojans logo will add a beard to their logo because beards look best while covered in ice and snow.