November 21, 2011

Occupy Springfield Protest Marred By Police Pepper Spray

Pepper-spraying cop Chief Wiggum breaks up a peaceful protest.

SPRINGFIELD - (@The Comedy News)  - A peaceful protest outside the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant turned ugly today, as Springfield Police Chief Wiggum broke up the demonstration by spraying protesters in the face with pepper spray.

"Nothing seemed to be getting out of hand, and to be honest, me and the guys were getting quite bored," commented Springfield Police Chief Wiggum.   "So I pulled out my can of pepper spray and fired some in the face of the cutest little girl.  She was playing a song on her guitar, I think it was a folk song.  She and the other protesters started moshing with each other after I sprayed them.  Hah ha it was really, really awesome."

The protesters writhed in pain, according to witnesses.  Many accounts say that the protesters had been standing in front of the Nuclear Plant to protest for health and dental care, as well as the plant's ties to Wall Street corruption in recent years. 

About an hour after the protest began, Chief Wiggum showed up at the scene, stepped out of his police cruiser and thought silently for about fifteen minutes.  Every couple of minutes, he would remove his policemen's cap and fidget with it, as if he was working up the courage to do something.  And that's when he shouted, "Ah hah", and began to pepper spray the protesters.

"Why?  Why?  Why would anyone waste so much jalapeno sauce?"  Screamed protester, Homer J. Simpson after being doused with pepper spray in his mouth.  "It's too much, even I don't like this much pepper spray in my mouth."

Simpson's daughter, Lisa, 8, was the first hit by the police officers.

"If you f*#k with a female protester, the protest will just keep multiplying," sneered Lisa Simpson from her hospital bed, face still red and irritated from the pepper spray.  Her acoustic guitar was smashed by Chief Wiggum in the melee. 

Chief Wiggum is currently on voluntary paid leave while the matter is sorted out.  He has also changed his story, saying that his only son Ralph asked him to spray the protesters with pepper spray as a birthday gift.

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