May 23, 2012

Top 1% Already Scheming To Hog All of the Commercial Spaceflight Tickets

Mitt Romney, Mark Cuban, Koch Brothers, New York Yankees Determined to Hoard Pricy Space Tickets
Virgin Galactic Founder, Richard Branson

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – (@The Comedy News) – An investigative report has revealed that the top 1% of America’s super-rich are already scheming to hog every available ticket aboard upcoming commercial spaceflights.

While cable news outlets laud the historic moment in aviation and space history, corporate billionaire swine are quietly buying up all of the spots on every planned commercial spaceflight.

“How amazing will it be when we have to butter up a client, and we offer them and their mistresses two of the company seats on a flight to space,” Tweeted Mark Cuban, owner of the NBA Champion Dallas Mavericks.

Single tickets for a ride on a commercial spaceflight are estimated to cost anywhere from $250,000 to $1 million each.   

Exxon Mobil and Wal-Mart executives have already bought up the first dozen commercial spaceflight tickets.  Several members of the New York Yankees are planning on doing the same soon as well.  Former Facebook executive Eduardo Savern announced he will buy 20 commercial spaceflight tickets, and vowed not to pay any taxes on them.  

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has also announced that not only will he attempt to become the first Venture Capitalist in Space, but if elected President, he will issue an executive order to forbid gays from riding on a commercial spaceflight---just to be a douchebag.  It is believed that this plan is aimed solely at former N*Sync singer Lance Bass, who is openly gay and attempted to buy his way into the Russian space program ten years ago. 

Romney also said that he plans to downsize Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic commercial spaceflight company into oblivion--- regardless of whether he wins the Presidential election.

“I will definitely be the first Venture Capitalist in space.  But, I will not allow a Frenchman like Sir Richard Branson to run a company that shuttles free-thinking hippie space tourists into orbit,” announced Romney.

Romney continued, “there’s just something wrong with that Branson guy.  I don’t like his long wavy blonde hair, and stubbly beard.  It’s just wrong.  In fact, I have a plan: once I downsize Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic company, me, the Koch Brothers, and Sean Hannity are gonna pin down Richard Branson and shave off his hair.  Now that’s one thing I have a lot of experience in doing.”


May 17, 2012

37 McDonalds Logos Added to American Flag To Honor States Founded After 13 Colonies

American flag with 37 McDonalds logos.
WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - To honor the 37 states that joined the union after the original thirteen colonies, Congress today approved the addition of 37 McDonalds logos to the American Flag.

The movement to honor the 37 states that joined the union after the Thirteen Colonies spurred from resentment of the East Coast by the Plains and Midwest states.  The Pacific states didn't really care either way.

"The design of the flag retains its fifty white starts on a blue background in the upper left, which commemorate every state," announced Dorothy Bruce of the Union of 37 "Other" States.  "However, the thirteen stripes of red and white have been cause for jealousy and controversy---but mostly jealousy.  For this reason, the 37 'Other' states will now be commemorated with the one common factor that unites all 37 of the 'Other' states:  McDonalds."

McDonalds has restaurants in each state of the United States, over 12,000 in all.  Their signature logo, a yellow-arched "M" with black trimming, now appears thirty-five times on red stripes of the American flag.

And to complete the 37 states, two McDonalds logos appear on the white stripes of the American flag, to symbolize "Alaska and Hawaii not really being a part of the United States anyways", according to an anonymous gynecologist-Senator from Oklahoma. 

Citizens from the 37 "Other" states are quite enthused about the upcoming changes to the American flag.  

"When you're in Warshington, New York City, Philthadelphia, Baltimore, Boston, Gettsyburg, Pittsburgh, Goldberg, whatever... ya hear alotta monkey-shine about them Thirteen Colonies," lamented Roger McGuinness, a  puppy mill manager from Casper, Wyoming.  "We want our flag to send a message to them East Coasties from them Thirteen Colonies:  There's thirty-seven other states.  And those states are better."

With the addition of 37 McDonalds logos to the American flag, the United States joins Croatia as the only two countries in the world who's flags consist of the colors red, white, blue, yellow, and black. 

Here is an excerpt of the petition to Congress by the Union of 37 "Other" states:
"Whereas just because a state was one of the first thirteen to be founded, that doesn't make them special."
 "Whereas McDonalds encapsulates the 37 other states of the union with its high fat content and clever low brow advertising."
"Whereas we are sick and tired of being put down by smug East Coasties, who think they are so cool because they have taller buildings, bigger traffic jams, and shorter drives to international airports, the fourteenth through fiftieth states of the United States demand the American flag commemorate the Thirty Seven "Other" states explicitly."

May 3, 2012

David Stern Gives Last Place Charlotte Bobcats Participation Ribbons

After 7-Win Season, Worst Team in NBA History Commended for Trying Their Best

The 2011-12 Charlotte Bobcats sporting their participation ribbons

CHARLOTTE, NC - (@The Comedy News) - After enduring the worst season by a National Basketball League team, the Charlotte Bobcats were each awarded blue participation ribbons.  The Bobcats had a record of only seven wins, and 59 losses. 

"We at NBA headquarters are very concerned about the self-esteem of the Charlotte Bobcats players," announced NBA Commissioner David Stern.  "For Christs sake, they only won seven games this season.  Sad.  And the entire commissioner's office was unsure of how to address this issue."

Stern's wife recommended that the NBA just award each of the Charlotte Bobcats players a  participation ribbon to recognize their ability to at least try their best this past year. 

Each of the players on the Charlotte Bobcats were given a blue ribbon to pin to their game jersey.   On the ribbon, in fake-gold print it reads:


Below the encouraging inscription, there is a drawing of a smiling sun.

The NBA commissioner is also considering doing-away with the Larry O'Brien Championship trophy, which is awarded to the team that wins the NBA Finals.   The replacement for the trophy expected to be a good sportsmanship certificate printed on paper made to resemble the hard-wood of a basketball court. 

The commissioner's office is also working on changing the criteria for the league MVP award.  Although MVP currently stands for "Most Valuable Player", commissioner Stern is looking to recognize recent trends for violent outbursts in players by renaming the current award as the "Most Violent Player" award.   

The first winner of the NBA's Most Violent Player award is likely to be Ron "Metta World Peace" Artest.  The trophy is also expected to be replaced by a championship belt, which the reigning player must wear in every game in the subsequent season.