August 20, 2010

Coach Joe Paterno Refuses to Comment About Acting Career

STATE COLLEGE, PA - (@The Comedy News) - On the eve of his 45th season as head coach of the Pennsylvania State University Nittany Lions football team, Coach Joe Paterno is keeping his focus on the gridiron. Much to the dismay of national media outlets, Joe Paterno has refused to comment about his role in Academy Award-nominated film Up.

Up follows the journey of Carl Fredricksen (Paterno), an 80-year-old widower on a balloon-powered journey to a baron dreamland called Paradise Falls.

Paterno scoffed at any attempt to get feedback about production, his absence from the Oscar ceremony, and basically any indication from the 83-year-old college football legend that he was indeed a part of the film.

There have also been reports that National Football League Hall of Famer and Penn State alumnus, Franco Harris, brought his granddaughter Tawney to Beaver Stadium recently to get some comments from his former football coach about his recent film role.

"He yelled at me!" Exclaimed 5-year-old Tawney Harris. "I told him that I loved Up and cried in the beginning. He said, 'I'll tell you something about Up, little girl. How about, SHUT THE #$%& UP! You too, Frank. UP YOURS.'"

Penn State athletic department insiders have speculated that Paterno had red shirt freshman place-kicker Elias Noland use nefarious means to delete Up from Paterno's page on the Internet Movie Database.

"Coach wants us to be completely distraction-free. We're out there competing for the National Championship every day, and there is no distraction too small to expunge from the minds of my football team mates," noted the computer science major from Bedford, Ohio.

Noland has had a history of going to extreme lengths to brown-nose his way into Paterno's favor. Noland's Twitter statuses have included "Washing, washing, washing Coach Paterno's back. La dah dah dah dah, la dah dah dah dah, gonna be a football player today!" Most recently, Noland tweeted publicly about his study habits: "I acn gertt goosd gtra3des. iiii haaacked hte shcholarshiship ocmputers G..P.A, plaay footballWE ARE PENNNNNNstdfjte."

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