August 22, 2010

Perverted Man Confesses He Enjoys Being Sober

SEATTLE, WA - (The Comedy News) - After fearing ridicule from drunks for over 25 years, Adam Levanthal has finally come out of the closet out and declared that he hates alcohol consumption and could not be more proud of his sobriety.

"Every time people want to get together and enjoy themselves, they drink alcohol and shamelessly encourage their friends to do so as well. All the while, they have absolutely NO regard for those of us who were born with a natural scorn for intoxication."

The raw statistics about alcohol enthusiasm are as deceiving as the prime-time eye-candy commercials used to market it: approximately 298 million out of the 310 million Americans have not abused alcohol in the past year. The remaining 12 million lushes continue to ruin it for all of the closeted sober ones out there. Levanthal speculates that many of the 298 million are total pushovers and "closeted from being open about their enthusiasm for sobriety".

"The hardest part about this is telling my Dad that I am sober and have been this way my entire life. It's so hard to look him and my community in the eyes and tell that that I can't pretend to be the drunk that he and society expect me to be," Levanthal lamented. "And the drunks always seem to rush defend their soberphobia. The one defense I hate this most is the Ben Franklin quote, 'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy'. Really? That Ivy League long-haired womanizing douche said that? What does he know anyways? Dude would get wasted and fly kites in storms. Sheesh."

Levanthal has plans of moving to South Mercer Island, the up-and-coming sober community in town. He will also be celebrating his upcoming 26th birthday at the same place he had his coming out party--- at Seattle's new sober bar, Nothing On The Rocks.

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