Amazon’s Demands For New Headquarters

By Seth Lazear

• Prima Nocta for Jeff Bezos.

• The homeless population must be used as shoes for the marketing department.

• The city must have Berry Berry Kix cereal.

• City residents must speak with a Dickensian accent.

• The local sports franchise must forgo the National Anthem and replace it with a curated playlist from Amazon Music.

• City must demolish local music venues for luxury dog parks.

• Mandatory Crossfit Wednesdays from 5:00 AM - 8:00 AM.

• Bike lane roadkill removal.

• 50% of the city residents not to watch.

• Westworld so not to spoil it for the other 50%.

• An exclusion from on-site injury work-mans compensation laws.

• Closure of all gay bars, but the city to provide gay friendly atmosphere.

• Children strictly forbidden.

• Ignore what’s going on in building 4.

• Issue identity cards and a gold star armband for citizens making less than $50,000 yearly.

• Subsidies for billboards threatening local Mom & Pop shops.

• An income tax and property tax waiver in effect until 2024 or Armageddon, whichever comes first.

Netflix Shifts Marketing Campaign to Families that Always Fight

Netflix will be marketing to families that fight a lot

LOS GATOS, CALIF - (@The Comedy News) - Movie rental giant Netflix will be changing up their marketing campaign to target their services of streaming movies and mailing DVDs to families that always fight.

"The divorce rate in the United States is currently at 50%.  That's a huge demographic that Netflix can cater to," announced Netflix CEO Reed Hastings.  "Netflix can be that avenue of solace for families that are always fighting."

In the past, Netflix's marketing campaigns have included cliché photographs of healthy, happy, mother-father families with swell children.  Marketing executives for Netflix have realized that those photographs could alienate the potential customers that are used to fighting at home.  

Netflix's old marketing campaign.

As a promotion for the new marketing campaign, Netflix will be offering free rentals of Mrs. Doubtfire, Kramer vs. Kramer, and any Steven Spielberg movie where there is a subplot of father-figure tension to customers who provide proof of divorce or domestic disturbance history. 

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LEAKED: Netflix's Original Draft of Price Change Email

LOS GATOS, CALIF - (@TheComedyNews) -  A day after surprising their members with exorbitant price increases, DVD and movie-streaming giant Netflix has accidentally leaked the first draft of the email notification sent out to its 23.6 million subscribers.
 
[Text of Draft Email Below]



 Dear  Sucker Netflix Member,

It is with great pride and power that We are are separating unlimited DVDs by mail and unlimited streaming into two separate plans to better line our pockets with our customers' hard-earned cash reflect the costs of each. Now all of you couch-potatoes our members have a choice: a streaming only plan, a DVD only plan, locating a Blockbuster Video store or both.

Your current $15.00 $14.99 a month membership for unlimited streaming and unlimited DVDs is pretty awesome.  But alas, your satisfaction is not nearly as paramount as ensuring that the top executives of Netflix have a yacht for each of the four oceans, so your membership will be split into 2 distinct plans:

   Plan 1: Unlimited Streaming (no DVDs) for $8.00 $7.99 a month
   Plan 2: Unlimited DVDs, 2 out at-a-time (no streaming) for $12.00 $11.99 a month

That's right, we are raising the price without adding anything new.  It's called capitalism and greed. 
Your price for getting both of these plans will be $20.00 $19.98 a month ($7.99 + $11.99). You don't need to do anything to continue your memberships for both unlimited streaming and unlimited DVDs.

These prices will start for charges on or after the tenth anniversary of the September 11 attacks September 1, 2011.  God Bless America. 

Unless you're a computer-illiterate moron (and we hope you are), You can easily change or cancel your unlimited streaming plan, unlimited DVD plan, or both, by going to the Plan Change page in Your Account.

We hope you realize that we at Netflix have you by the balls you have many choices for home entertainment, and we thank you for your business. We really don't care about what you think as long you keep paying your monthly membership fee.  As always, if you have questions, please feel free to call us at 1-900-MIX-A-LOT 1-888-357-1516.

–The Netflix Team

P.S.
Mwah hahahahahha.  

Los Angeles Bars Will Run Out of Beer on New Year’s Eve

LOS ANGELES, CA – (The Comedy News) – Due to the expected high turnout of Wisconsinites and Texans for the Rose Bowl this weekend, all the bars in the greater Los Angeles area anticipate completely running out of beer by 7:22 PM (PST) on December 31^st.

“The owners of the more than three-thousand bars, taverns, and clubs throughout Los Angeles are pretty nervous about what will happen on New Year's Eve when all of our beer taps run dry,” said Lyle Gonzales-Moore, spokesman for the Southern California Tavern Association.  

Bankrupt Detroit Relocates to Chicago

--BREAKING NEWS--

CHICAGO, IL - (@The Comedy News) - After over 300 years on the banks of what used to be known as the Detroit River, the entire city of Detroit has completely re-located to Chicago.

The big D, also known as The Motor City, has been staving off bankruptcy for several years now.  City officials, however, see a permanent move of the entire city to Chicago as a lasting economic catalyst.  

 

The Detroit emergency manager described the move.

"Honestly, there wasn't much left to move----some unused Little Caesars pizza boxes, an Eminem CD, a few Stanley Cup Trophies, a dilapidated but still-working Ford factory.  When you have almost nothing, you have nothing to lose, right?"

At the closing ceremony for Detroit's original location, Kid Rock sang a sad and ironic rendition of the song, "God Bless America".  

Currently, the Detroit evacuees are taking refuge at the mostly-vacant trophy room of the Chicago Bears at Soldier Field---until a permanent settlement can be arranged. 

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Underwear Industry Unleashes Negative Ads Against Doing Laundry

WINSTON-SALEM, NC - (DoghouseDaily) - In an effort to boost sales, three undergarment industry giants are continuing their media blitz to encourage potential customers to purchase more underwear, in lieu of washing their existing collection.

Hanesbrands, Victoria's Secret, and Fruit of the Loom, now known as Victoria Hanes Fruit Underwear, have consolidated their businesses in what could lead to enormous losses in revenue for the laundry detergent industry.

The dialogue of the most recent advertisement:

"Need a change of comfort down under, but out of clean undies? 
Why wait up to TWO HOURS to wash, dry, and fold recycled, faded, shrunken underwear? 

Why spend your money on heavy, stinky bottles of highly toxic laundry detergent? 

Do your body a favor, and shop for NEW underwear! 

[Jack Black & Winona Ryder appear in their skivvies, embracing] 

Victoria Hanes Fruit Underwear: It feels so nice, I won't wear it twice."

OxiClean heirs released a statement about their plan to unveil their own line of "self-washing underwear". The slogan is rumored to be 'Buy Just One, & Your Shopping Days are Done".

Representatives from Tide, Cheer, and Downy couldn't be reached for comment, but are reportedly continuing business as usual.

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BP PATENTS PHRASE, "MAKING THIS RIGHT"

LONDON, UK - (The Comedy News) - British Petroleum has patented the phrase they have used to defend their negligent management of their Deepwater Horizon oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. "Making This Right" is now recognized as U.S. Patent 9,268,879, to be used as a primary talking point when laying out the steps to large-scale public relations damage control.

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