July 14, 2011

LEAKED: Netflix's Original Draft of Price Change Email

LOS GATOS, CALIF - (@TheComedyNews) -  A day after surprising their members with exorbitant price increases, DVD and movie-streaming giant Netflix has accidentally leaked the first draft of the email notification sent out to its 23.6 million subscribers.
[Text of Draft Email Below]

 Dear  Sucker Netflix Member,

It is with great pride and power that We are are separating unlimited DVDs by mail and unlimited streaming into two separate plans to better line our pockets with our customers' hard-earned cash reflect the costs of each. Now all of you couch-potatoes our members have a choice: a streaming only plan, a DVD only plan, locating a Blockbuster Video store or both.

Your current $15.00 $14.99 a month membership for unlimited streaming and unlimited DVDs is pretty awesome.  But alas, your satisfaction is not nearly as paramount as ensuring that the top executives of Netflix have a yacht for each of the four oceans, so your membership will be split into 2 distinct plans:

   Plan 1: Unlimited Streaming (no DVDs) for $8.00 $7.99 a month
   Plan 2: Unlimited DVDs, 2 out at-a-time (no streaming) for $12.00 $11.99 a month

That's right, we are raising the price without adding anything new.  It's called capitalism and greed. 
Your price for getting both of these plans will be $20.00 $19.98 a month ($7.99 + $11.99). You don't need to do anything to continue your memberships for both unlimited streaming and unlimited DVDs.

These prices will start for charges on or after the tenth anniversary of the September 11 attacks September 1, 2011.  God Bless America. 

Unless you're a computer-illiterate moron (and we hope you are), You can easily change or cancel your unlimited streaming plan, unlimited DVD plan, or both, by going to the Plan Change page in Your Account.

We hope you realize that we at Netflix have you by the balls you have many choices for home entertainment, and we thank you for your business. We really don't care about what you think as long you keep paying your monthly membership fee.  As always, if you have questions, please feel free to call us at 1-900-MIX-A-LOT 1-888-357-1516.

–The Netflix Team

Mwah hahahahahha.