May 25, 2018

Amazon’s Demands For New Headquarters

By Seth Lazear
  • Prima Nocta for Jeff Bezos.
  • The homeless population must be used as shoes for the marketing department.
  • The city must have Berry Berry Kix cereal.
  • City residents must speak with a Dickensian accent.
  • The local sports franchise must forgo the National Anthem and replace it with a curated playlist from Amazon Music.
  • City must demolish local music venues for luxury dog parks.
  • Mandatory Crossfit Wednesdays from 5:00 AM - 8:00 AM.
  • Bike lane roadkill removal.
  • 50% of the city residents not to watch.
  • Westworld so not to spoil it for the other 50%.
  • An exclusion from on-site injury work-mans compensation laws.
  • Closure of all gay bars, but the city to provide gay friendly atmosphere.
  • Children strictly forbidden.
  • Ignore what’s going on in building 4.
  • Issue identity cards and a gold star armband for citizens making less than $50,000 yearly.
  • Subsidies for billboards threatening local Mom & Pop shops.
  • An income tax and property tax waiver in effect until 2024 or Armageddon, whichever comes first.